Quote from Forum Archives on February 16, 2007, 9:48 am

Posted by: bigguyhereagain <bigguyhereagain@...>

"Little Billy Says Grace"

 

We were hosting a holiday dinner,
With comp'ny at the home,
Billy was asked to say the grace --
The first time that he had done it.
He said, "Mom, I don't know what to say!
How to make my feelings to God known
Would you please do it one more time?"
He folded hands, and closed his eyes.

 

Mom said, "No, son, it is time that you
Show the world how you're growing.
The best way you can do that
Is with things that you are knowing.
So at least you try to say the grace --
I'll give helps if you need 'em --
We got some hungry folks here --
And it's time for us to feed 'em!"

 

"Oh, Mom, I don't know what to say,
On this fine and very special day.
Can you give me a little starter
To help to get me saying grace?"
His Mom replied, "Now Billy, you know
The things that I said in the past.
This is the first time you say grace
But it will not be your last."

 

Then Mom added, "You ate lunch with us
And you've heard me at dinnertime.
Why don't you repeat what I said?
It will certainly come out fine."
Billy said, "I can't remember, Mom,
But I know what you said later...
If you want, I can repeat that --
But not what at lunch you said."

 

Mom said, "Well, I guess that will do,
If it's the best you can handle
But some day you'll say grace so fine
Not a one could hold a candle!"
He bowed his head and closed his eyes
The guests all did the same,
Expecting to hear a table grace
That's in God's Almighty Name.

 

Billy stuttered, stammered, then began,
"Lord, Mom said it's ok to say..
The things that she said earlier
On this fine holiday.
She was cooking, baking, fixing food
To feed three generations. ..
This is what I heard my Momma say
When she fixed our evenin' rations."

 

"Oh God... why did I invite so many!
To come here to stay for supper.
You know, I don't even like to cook,
But I just can't survive without it.
Don't let my oven burn the cake,
And let food be good today.
I promise if you do, Lord,
I'll never do this again!" Amen!

 

The people started laughing,
Billy's mother's face was red.
She wished she could crawl underground,
She wished that she was dead!
How could a son of seven years
Have done her this-a-way?
She swore again she'd never host
Dinner on a holiday!!

 

"Church Bulletin Bloopers"

 

 

Thank God for church ladies with typewriters. These sentences
actually appeared in church bulletins or were announced in church
services:
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Bertha Belch, a missionary from Africa, will be speaking tonight at
Calvary Methodist. Come hear Bertha Belch all the way from Africa.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of
those things not worth keeping around the house. Don't forget your
husbands.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been canceled due to
a conflict.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community. Smile at
someone who is hard to love. Say "Hell" to someone who doesn't care
much about you.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Miss Charlene Mason sang "I will not pass this way again," giving
obvious pleasure to the congregation.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a
nursery downstairs.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the
help they can get.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Barbara remains in the hospital and needs blood donors for more
transfusions. She is also having trouble sleeping and requests tapes
of Pastor Jack's sermons.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The Rector will preach his farewell message after which the choir
will sing: "Break Forth Into Joy."
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the
church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What Is
Hell?"  Come early and listen to our choir practice.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of
several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be
recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased
person you want remembered.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment
and gracious hostility.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and medication to follow.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They
may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across
from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10 AM. All
ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B. S. is done.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation
would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next
Sunday.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use
the back door.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the
Church basement Friday at 7 PM. The congregation is invited to
attend this tragedy.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church.
Please use large double door at the side entrance.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new tithing campaign
slogan last Sunday: "I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours ."
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Thanks John for sending these to us.

 

 

"The Pillsbury Doughboy Is Dead"

 

        

 

Veteran Pillsbury spokes-model Pop N. Fresh died yesterday of a severe yeast infection. He was 71.
 
Fresh was buried in one of the largest funeral ceremonies in recent years. Dozens of celebrities turned out including:
Mrs. Butterworth, The California Raisins, Betty Crocker, Hungry Jack, Chef Boyardee, and the Hostess Twinkie.

 

The grave site was piled high with flours as longtime friend Aunt Jemima delivered the eulogy, describing Fresh as a man who never knew how much he was kneaded.

 

Fresh rose quickly in show business, but his later life was filled with many turnovers.

 

He was not considered a very smart cookie, wasting much of his dough on half-baked schemes.

 

Still, even as a crusty old man, he was a roll model for millions.

 

The funeral was held at 3:50 for about 20 minutes.

 

 

Have a Blessed Weekend
Dave and Barbara

 

 

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