LOADS of Animal humor
Posted by: clean-hewmor <clean-hewmor@...>
ran an ad in the newspaper when the puppies were old enough to be given away.
The ad said, "Free to a good home. Adorable puppies."
After several weeks, only a few of the puppies had been given away. So,
they tried a different tactic. They ran a second ad which said, "Free to a good
home. One very ugly puppy and eight pretty ones."
In two days, they gave away the ugly puppy nine times.
>^,,^^,,^^,,^<
Three animals were having a huge argument over who was the best: The first,
a hawk, claimed that because of his ability to fly, he could attack anything
repeatedly from above, and his prey had nary a chance. The second, a lion, based
his claim on his strength--none in the forest dared to challenge him. The third,
a skunk, insisted he needed neither flight nor strength to frighten off any
creature.
As the trio debated the issue, a grizzly bear came along and swallowed
them all: hawk, lion and stinker!
|| < || ~.:. ~ || < ||
Farmer Jones got out of his car and while heading for his friend's door,
noticed a pig with a wooden leg. His curiosity roused, he ask, "Fred, how'd
that pig get him a wooden leg?"
"Well, Michael, that's a mighty special pig! A while back a wild boar
attacked me while I was walking in the woods. That pig there came a runnin',
went after that boar and chased him away. Saved my life!"
"And the boar tore up his leg?"
"No, he was fine after that. But a bit later we had that fire. Started in
the shed up against the barn. Well, that ole pig started squealin' like he was
stuck, woke us up, and 'fore we got out here, the darn thing had herded the
other animals out of the barn and saved 'em all!"
"So that's when he hurt his leg, huh, Fred?"
"No, Michael. He was a might winded, though. When my tractor hit a rock
and rolled down the hill into the pond I was knocked clean out. When I came
to, that pig had dove into the pond and dragged me out 'fore I drownded. Sure
did save my life."
"And that was when he hurt his leg?"
"Oh no, he was fine. Cleaned him up, too."
"Okay, Fred. So just tell me. How did he get the wooden leg?"
"Well," the farmer tells him, "a pig like that, you don't want to eat
all at once."
> ~ <
John Magadan 4, defeated several dozen grown-ups to win the 1965 LA County
Hog Calling contest. The grown-ups strained with calls like: "Pig, Pig, Pig
WHOOOoooeee, WHOOOoooeee, WHOOOoooeee, Pig, Pig, Pig" or "OOOOooooeeee,
OOOOooooeeee ERGH, ERGH RRrkie, RRoooeee, Pig Pig Pig, Piggy."
Young John cried, "Here piggy piggy," and 6 pigs walked right up to him.
>^,,^^,,^^,,^<
A snail's uncle died and left him a fortune. He was then finally able
to realize his dream of becoming a famous race car driver. He bought a car,
souped it up and painted large red letter S's all over it. When questioned
as to why he did, he replied, "When people see me and my race car go zooming
down the track, I want them all to exclaim, 'Look at that S-car go!' "
|| < || ~.:. ~ || < ||
THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN DOGS AND CATS
A dog thinks: Hey, these people I live with feed me, love me, provide me with a
nice warm, dry house, pet me, and take good care of me ... They must be gods!
A cat thinks: Hey, these people I live with feed me, love me, provide me with a
nice warm, dry house, pet me, and take good care of me ... I must be a god!
.. ~.:. ~.
You know purebred dogs are expensive. They are saying now that the Pitbull
is the dog to get to protect your valuables. Heck, if I buy a Pitbull, it will
be the most expensive thing I own -- then I'd need something to protect it.
|| < || ~.:. ~ || < ||
Returning home from the class field trip, Little Johnny said, "Ma, I got
into trouble at the zoo for feeding the ostrich."
"Why did that get you into trouble?"
"Because," replied Johnny, "I fed it to the tigers."
<
A Wizard working in a factory was very satisfied with everything except
some people were taking advantage of his good nature by stealing his parking
spot. This continued until he put up the following sign: "This parking space
belongs to the Wizard. ... Violators will be toad."
> ~ <
"It's nice being home from the farm," says the cat to the dog.
"I don't get it ..." says the dog, "if HAM come from PIGS and BEEF comes
from COWS, why don't they use HAM in HAMBURGERS?"
"Probably for the same reason they don't use DOG in DOG BISCUITS?"
>^,,^^,,^^,,^<
Very early one morning in New Jersey, two birds are sitting at the side
of a large puddle of oil. They see a worm on the other side. So ... the one
flies over the oil and the other one swims through the oil. Which one gets
to the worm first? The one who swam, of course, because "Da oily boid gets
da woim."
|| < || ~.:. ~ || < ||
Why did Mickey Mouse go to outer space?
To find Pluto, of course!
.. ~.:. ~.
After many years of study, scientists have determined
that dogs bark just for the heck of it.
~ ~ Smithsonian ~ ~
.. ~.:. ~.
You can't act like a skunk
without someone getting wind of it.
~ ~ Doug Larson ~ ~