Martha Stewart Gets Nixed For Easter
Posted by: root <root@...>
Martha Stewart will not be dining with us this Easter. I'm
telling you in advance, so don't act surprised. Since Ms. Stewart
won't be coming, I've made a few small changes:
Our sidewalk will not be lined with homemade, paper bag
luminaries. After a trial run, it was decided that no matter how
cleverly done, rows of flaming lunch sacks do not have the
desired welcoming effect.
The dining table will not be covered with expensive linens, fancy
china or crystal goblets. If possible, we will use dishes that
match and everyone will get a fork. Since this IS Easter,
we will refrain from using the plastic Turkey Gobbler plate and the
Santa napkins from last Christmas.
Our centerpiece will not be the tower of fresh fruit and flowers
that I promised. Instead we will be displaying a hedgehog-like
decoration hand-crafted from the finest construction paper. The
artist assures me it is Peter Rabbit.
We will be dining fashionably late. The children will entertain
you while you wait. I'm sure they will be happy to share every
choice comment I have made regarding Easter, egg-hunts and
the lamb hotline. Please remember that most of these comments
were made at 5:00 AM upon discovering that the lamb was still
hard enough to cut diamonds. As accompaniment to the children's
recital, I will play a recording of tribal drumming. If the
children should mention that I don't own a recording of tribal
drumming, or that tribal drumming sounds suspiciously like a
frozen lamb in a clothes dryer, ignore them. They are lying.
We toyed with the idea of ringing a dainty silver bell to
announce the start of our feast. In the end, we chose to keep our
traditional method. We've also decided against a formal seating
arrangement. When the smoke alarm sounds, please gather around
the table and sit where you like. In the spirit of harmony, we
will ask the children to sit at a separate table. In a separate
room. Next door.
Now I know you have all seen pictures of one person carving a
lamb in front of a crowd of appreciative onlookers. This will
not be happening at our dinner. For safety reasons, the lamb
will be carved in a private ceremony. I stress "private" meaning:
Do not, under any circumstances, enter the kitchen to laugh at
me. Do not send small, unsuspecting children to check on my
progress. I have an electric knife. The lamb is unarmed. It
stands to reason that I will eventually win. When I do, we will eat.
Before I forget, there is one last change. Instead of offering a
choice between 12 different scrumptious desserts, we will be
serving the traditional jellybean pie, garnished with whipped cream
and small fingerprints. You will still have a choice: take it or leave
it.
Martha Stewart will not be dining with us this Easter. She
probably won't come next year either.
I am thankful.
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