Quote from Forum Archives on April 12, 2005, 12:13 pm

Posted by: bigguyhereagain <bigguyhereagain@...>

"Mother to the Rescue"

 

 

The worried housewife sprang to the telephone when it rang.
The relief in her face was obvious when she heard a kindly
voice in her ear.

 

"It's mother," the voice said. "How are you, darling?
What kind of a day are you having?"

 

"Oh, mother," said the housewife, breaking into bitter tears,
"I've had such a bad day. The baby won't eat and the
washing machine broke down. I haven't had a chance to go
shopping, and besides, I've just sprained my ankle and I
have to hobble around. On top of that, the house is a mess
and I'm supposed to have two couples to dinner tonight."

 

Her mother was very sympathetic. "Oh, darling," she said,
"sit down, relax, and close your eyes. I'll be over in half an
hour. I'll do your shopping, clean up the house, and cook
your dinner for you. I'll feed the baby and I'll call a
repairman I know who'll be at your house to fix the
washing machine promptly. Now stop crying. I'll do everything.
In fact, I'll even call George at the office and tell him
he ought to come home and help out for once."

 

"George?" said the housewife. "Who's George?"

 

"Why, George! Your husband! Wait a minute, is this
555-1374?

 

"No, It's 555-1375."

 

"Oh, I'm sorry. I guess I have the wrong number."

 

There was a short pause, and the housewife said,
"Does this mean you're not coming over?"

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

"A Parent's Prayer"

 

 

Now I lay me down to sleep,
I pray my sanity to keep.

 

For if some peace I do not find,
I'm pretty sure I'll lose my mind.

 

I pray I find a little quiet,
Far from the daily family riot.

 

May I lie back and not have to think
About what they're stuffing down the sink,

 

Or who they're with, or where they're at
And what they're doing to the cat.

 

I pray for time all to myself
(did something just fall off a shelf?)

 

To cuddle in my nice, soft bed
(Oh no, another goldfish--dead!)

 

Some silent moments for goodness sake
(Did I just hear a window break?)

 

And that I need not cook or clean
(well heck, I've got the right to dream)

 

Yes now I lay me down to sleep,
I pray my wits about me keep,

 

But as I look around I know,
I must have lost them long ago!
Author Unknown

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

"Red Skelton's tips for a Happy Marriage"

 

 

Just visualizing Red delivering this humor makes me smile. Humor without profanity... ...WHAT A CONCEPT!

 

1. Two times a week, we go to a nice restaurant, have a little beverage, then comes good food and companionship. She goes on Tuesdays, I go on Fridays.

 

2. We also sleep in separate beds. Her's is in Ontario and mine is
in Miami.

 

3. I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.

 

4. I asked my wife where she wanted to go for our anniversary.
"Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!" she said. So I suggested the kitchen. I then went someplace I hadn't been in a long time:  the ER

 

5. We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.

 

6. She has an electric blender, electric toaster and electric bread maker. Then she said "There are too many gadgets and no place to sit down!" So I bought her an electric chair.

 

7. My wife told me the car wasn't running well because there was water in the carburetor. I asked where the car was, she told me "In the lake."

 

8. She got a mudpack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off.

 

9. She ran after the garbage truck, yelling "Am I too late for the
garbage?" The driver said "No, jump in!"

 

10. Remember. Marriage is the number one cause of divorce.

 

11. I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always.

 

12. I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months. I don't like to interrupt her.

 

13. The last fight was my fault. My wife asked "What's on the TV?" I said "Dust!

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

"A happy heart is like good medicine" (Proverbs 17:22)

 

 

Have a Blessed Day
Dave and Barbara

 

 

 

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