MY APPETITE IS MY SHEPHERD Tuesday
Posted by: bigguyhereagain <bigguyhereagain@...>
(POUND 23)
My appetite is my shepherd; I always want.
It maketh me sit down and stuff myself.
It leadeth me to my refrigerator repeatedly.
It leadeth me in the path of Burger King for a
Whopper.
It destroyeth my shape.
Yea, though I knoweth I gaineth, I will not stop
eating
For the food tasteth so good.
The ice cream and the cookies, they comfort me.
When the table is spread before me, it exciteth me
For I knoweth that I sooneth shall dig in.
As I filleth my plate continuously,
My clothes runneth smaller.
Surely bulges and pudgies shall follow me all the days
of my life
And I shall be "pleasingly plump" forever.
~**~**~**~**~**~**~**~**~**~**~**~**~**~
The Middle Wife
By an Anonymous 2nd grade teacher
I've been teaching now for about fifteen years. I have
two kids myself,
but the best birth story I know is the one I saw in my
own second-grade classroom a few years back.
When I was a kid, I loved show-and-tell. So I always
have a
few sessions with my students. It helps them get over
shyness and
usually, show-and-tell is pretty tame. Kids bring in
pet turtles,
model airplanes, pictures of fish they catch, stuff
like that.
And I never, ever place any boundaries or limitations
on them. If they
want to lug it to school and talk about it, they're
welcome.
Well, one day this little girl, Erica, a very bright,
very outgoing kid,
takes her turn and waddles up to the front of the
class with a pillow
stuffed under her sweater. She holds up a snapshot of
an infant. "This
is Luke, my baby brother, and I'm going to tell you
about his birthday.
First, Mom and Dad made him as a symbol of their love,
and then Dad put
a seed in my Mom's stomach, and Luke grew in there. He
ate for nine
months through an umbrella cord."
She's standing there with her hands on the pillow, and
I'm trying not to
laugh and wishing I had my camcorder with me. The kids
are watching her
in amazement. "Then, about two Saturdays ago, my Mom
starts saying
and going, 'Oh, oh, oh!' Erica puts a hand behind her
back and groans.
"She walked around the house for, like an hour, 'Oh,
oh, oh!
Now the kid's doing this hysterical duck walk, holding
her back and
groaning. "My Dad called the middle wife. She delivers
babies, but she
doesn't have a sign on the car like the Domino's man."
"They got my Mom to lie down in bed like this." Then
Erica lies down
with her back against the wall.
"And then, pop! My Mom had this bag of water she kept
in there in case
he got thirsty, and it just blew up and spilled all
over the bed, like
psshhheew!" This kid has her legs spread and with her
little hands are
miming water flowing away. It was too much!
"Then the middle wife starts saying 'push, push, and
breathe, breathe.'"
"They started counting, but never even got past ten."
"Then, all of a
sudden, out comes my brother. He was covered in yucky
stuff, they all
said was from Mom's play-center! , so there must be a
lot
of stuff inside there."
Then Erica stood up, took a big theatrical bow and
returned to her seat.
I'm sure I applauded the loudest. Ever since then, if
it's show-and-tell
day, I bring my camcorder, just in case another Erica
comes along.
~***~***~***~***~***~****~****~****~***~***~****~***~***~***~***~***~
Christmas story for people having a bad day...
When four of Santa's elves got sick, and the trainee
elves did not
produce the toys as fast as the regular ones, Santa
was beginning
to feel the pressure of being behind schedule.
Then Mrs. Clause told Santa that her mom was coming to
visit. This
stressed Santa even more.
When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that
three of them were
about to give birth and two had jumped the fence and
were out, heaven knows where.
More stress.
Then when be began to load the sleigh one of the
boards cracked, and the toy bag
fell to the ground and scattered the toys.
So, frustrated, Santa went into the house for a cup
of apple cider and a shot of rum.
When he went to the cupboard, he discovered that the
elves had hidden the liquor, and there was nothing to
drink.
In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the cider
pot, and it broke into hundreds of little
pieces all over the kitchen floor.
He went to get the broom and found that mice had eaten
the straw end of the broom
Just then the doorbell rang, and irritable Santa
trudged to the door. He opened the door,
and there was a little angel with a great big
Christmas tree.
The angel said, very cheerfully. "Merry Christmas,
Santa. Isn't it a lovely day? I have
a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to
stick it?"
And so began the tradition of the little angel on top
of the Christmas tree.
~***~***~***~***~****~****~*****~***~***~***~****~***~***~***~****~
Have a Blessed Day
Dave and Barbara
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