Quote from Forum Archives on September 13, 2000, 2:37 pm

Posted by: <@...>

My Dear Bank Manager,

I am writing to thank you for bouncing the cheque with which I
endeavored to pay my plumber last month.By my calculations some three
nano-seconds must have elapsed between his presenting the cheque, and
the arrival in my account of the funds needed to honor it. I refer, of
course, to the automatic monthly deposit of my entire salary, an
arrangement which, I admit, has only been in place for eight years.
You are to be commended for seizing that brief window of opportunity,
and also for debiting my account by way of penalty for the inconvenience
I caused your bank.

My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this incident has
caused me to re-think my errant financial ways. You have set me on the
path of fiscal righteousness. No more will our relationship be blighted
by these unpleasant incidents, for I am restructuring my affairs in
1999, taking as my model the procedures, attitudes and conduct of your
very own bank. I can think of no greater compliment, and I know you will
be excited and proud to hear it. To this end, please be advised about
the following changes.

First, I have noticed that whereas I personally attend to your telephone
calls and letters, when I try to contact you I am confronted by the
impersonal, ever-changing, pre-recorded, faceless entity, which your
bank has become. From now on I, like you, chose only to deal with a
flesh and blood person. My mortgage and loan
repayments will, therefore and hereafter, no longer be automatic, but
will arrive at your bank by personal cheque, addressed personally and
confidentially to an employee of you branch, whom you must nominate. You
will be aware that it is an offence under the Postal Act for any other
person to open such an envelope. Please find attached an Application for
Contact Status, which I require your chosen employee to complete. I am
sorry it runs to eight pages, but in order that I know as much about him
or her as your bank knows about me, there is no alternative. Please note
that all copies of his/her medical history must be countersigned by a
Justice of the Peace, and that the mandatory details of his/her
financial situation (income, debts, assets and liabilities) must be
accompanied by documented proof. In due course I will issue your
employee with a PIN number which he/she must quote in all dealings with
me. I regret that it cannot be shorter than 28 digits but, again, I have
modelled it on the number of button presses required to access my
account balance on your phonebank service. As they say, imitation is the
sincerest form of flattery.

Let me level the playing field even further by introducing you to my new
telephone system, which you will notice, is very much like yours. My
Authorised Contact at your bank, the only person with whom I will have
any dealings, may call me at any time and be answered by an automated
voice. By pressing the buttons on the phone, he/she will be guided
through an extensive set of menus: 1) To make an appointment
to see me, 2) to query a missing repayment, 3) to make a general
complaint or inquiry, and so on. The contact will then be put on hold,
pending the attention of my automated answering service. While this may
on occasion involve a lengthy wait, uplifting music will play for the
duration. This month I have chosen a refrain from The Best of Woody
Guthrie:

Oh the banks are made of marble With a guard at every door And the
vaults are filled with silver That the miners sweated for!

After twenty minutes of that, our mutual contact will probably know it
off by heart. On a more serious note, we come to the matter of cost. As
your bank has often pointed out, the ongoing drive for greater
efficiency comes at a cost - a cost which you have always been quick to
pass on to me. Let me repay your kindness by passing some costs back.

First, there is the matter of advertising material you send me. This I
will read for a fee of $20 per page. Inquiries from your nominated
contact will be billed at $5 per minute of my time spent in response.
Any debits to my account, as, for example, in the matter of the penalty
for the dishonoured cheque, will be passed back to you. My new phone
number service runs at 75 cents per minute (even Woody Guthrie doesn't
come free), so keep your inquiries brief and to the point. Regrettably,
but again following your example, I must also levy an establishment fee
to cover the setting up of this new arrangement.

Your humble client.