Quote from Forum Archives on January 8, 2004, 3:04 pm

Posted by: bigguyhereagain <bigguyhereagain@...>

 

 

New Year's Resolutions You Can Keep

 

 

Have you broken your New Year's Resolutions already?
Well, here's a rather crazy list that you can keep.

 

1. Gain weight. At least 30 pounds.

 

2. Stop exercising. Waste of time.

 

3. Read less. Makes you think.

 

4. Watch more TV. You've been missing some good stuff.

 

5. Procrastinate more. Starting tomorrow.

 

6. Stop bringing lunch from home: Eat out more.

 

7. Get in a whole NEW rut!

 

8. Spend your summer vacation in Cyberspace.

 

9. Don't eat cloned meat.

 

10. Create loose ends.

 

11. Get more toys.

 

12. Get further in debt.

 

13. Don't believe politicians.

 

14. Break at least one traffic law.

 

15. Avoid airplanes that spontaneously drop 1000 feet.

 

16. Don't swim with piranhas or sharks.

 

17. Associate with even worse business clients.

 

18. Spread out priorities beyond ability to keep track of them.

 

19. Wait around for opportunity.

 

20. Focus on the faults of others.

 

21. Mope about faults.

 

22. Never make New Year's resolutions again.

Church Football - The Other Sunday Sport 

 

--QUARTERBACK SNEAK:
   Church members quietly leaving during the invitation.

 

--DRAW PLAY:
   What many children do with the bulletin during worship.

 

--HALF-TIME:
   The period between Sunday School and worship when many choose 
   to leave.

 

--BENCH WARMER:
   Those who do not sing, pray, work, or apparently do anything
   but sit.

 

--BACKFIELD IN MOTION:
   Making a trip to the back (rest room or water fountain) during
   the service.

 

--STAYING IN THE POCKET:
   What happens to a lot of money that should be given to the
   Lord's work.

 

--TWO MINUTE WARNING:
   The point at which you realize the sermon is almost over and
   begin to gather up your children and belongings.

 

--INSTANT REPLAY:
   The preacher loses his notes and falls back on last week's
   illustrations.

 

--SUDDEN DEATH:
   What happens to the attention span of the congregation if the
   preacher goes "overtime".

 

--TRAP:
   You're called on to pray and are asleep.

 

--END RUN:

   Getting out of church quick, without speaking to any guest or
   fellow member.

--FLEX DEFENSE:
   The ability to allow absolutely nothing said during the sermon
   to affect your life.

 

--HALFBACK OPTION:
   The decision of 50% of the congregation not to return for the
   evening service.

 

--BLITZ:
   The rush for the restaurants following the closing prayer.

Lost

 

On a picnic with his parents, young Tommy got lost. He wandered
aimlessly through the forest then fell to his knees to pray.

 

"Dear Lord," he implored, "please help me find my way out of here."

 

As he was praying, a bird flew overhead dropped an answer squarely
in the palm of his outstretched hand.

 

"Please, Lord," the boy begged, "don't hand me that stuff. I'm
REALLY lost."

Have a Blesed Day
Dave and Barbara

 

 

 

 

 

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