Noah 2001
Posted by: root <root@...>
It is the year 2001 and Noah lives in the United States. The Lord
speaks to Noah and says "In one year I am going to make it rain and
cover the whole earth with water until all is destroyed. But I want you
to save the righteous people and two of every kind of living thing on
the earth.
Therefore, I am commanding you to build an Ark".
In a flash of lightning, God delivered the specifications for an Ark.
Fearful and trembling, Noah took the plans and agreed to build the Ark.
"Remember," said the Lord, "You must complete the Ark and bring
everything aboard in one year."
Exactly one year later, a fierce storm cloud covered the earth and all
the seas of the earth went into a tumult. The Lord saw Noah sitting in
his front yard weeping.
"Noah." He shouted, "Where is the Ark?"
"Lord please forgive me!" cried Noah. "I did my best, but there were
big problems. First, I had to get a permit for construction and your
plans did not comply with the codes. I had to hire an engineering firm
and redraw the plans. Then I got into a fight with OSHA over whether or
not the Ark needed a fire sprinkler system and flotation devices. Then
my neighbor
objected, claiming I was violating zoning ordinances by building the Ark
in my front yard, so I had to get a variance from the city planning
commission.
I had problems getting enough wood for the Ark, because there was a ban
on cutting down trees to protect the Spotted Owl. I finally convinced
the U.S. Forest Service that I needed the wood to save the owls.
However, the Fish and Wildlife Service won't let me catch any owls. So,
no owls.
The carpenters formed a union and went out on strike. I had to
negotiate a settlement with the National Labor Union. Now I have 16
carpenters on the Ark, but still no owls. When I started rounding up
the other animals, I got sued by an animal rights group. They objected
to me only taking two of each kind aboard. Just when I got the suit
dismissed, the EPA notified me that I could not complete the Ark
without filing an environmental impact statement on your proposed flood.
They didn't take very kindly to the idea that they had no jurisdiction
over the conduct of the Creator of the universe.
Then the Army Corps of Engineering demanded a map of the proposed new
flood plain. I sent them a globe. Right now, I am trying to resolve a
complaint filed with the Equal Employment Opportunity Commission that I
am practicing discrimination by not taking godless, unbelieving people
aboard.
The IRS has seized all my assets, claiming that I'm building the Ark in
preparation to flee the country to avoid paying taxes. I just got a
notice from the state that I owe some kind of user tax and failed to
register the Ark as a "recreational water craft."
Finally the ACLU got the courts to issue an injunction against further
construction of the Ark, saying that since God is flooding the earth,
it is a religious event and therefore unconstitutional. I really don't
think I can finish the Ark for another 5 or 6 years!" Noah wailed.
The sky began to clear, the sun began to shine and the seas began to
calm. A rainbow arched across the sky. Noah looked up hopefully. "You
mean you are not going to destroy the earth, Lord?"
"No," said the Lord sadly. "The government already has.
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