Noah's Ark 2000
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Product Privilege
It is the year 2000 and Noah lives in the United States. The Lord speaks to
Noah and says, "In one year, I am going to make it rain and cover the whole
earth with water until all is destroyed. But I want you to save the righteous
people and two of every kind of living thing on the earth. Therefore, I am
commanding you to build an Ark."
In a flash of lightning, God delivered the specifications for an Ark. Fearful
and trembling, Noah took the plans and agreed to build the Ark.
"Remember," said the Lord, "You must complete the Ark and bring everything
aboard in one year." Exactly one year later, a fierce storm cloud covered the
earth and all the seas of the earth went into a tumult. The Lord saw Noah
sitting in his front yard weeping.
"Noah," He shouted, "where is the Ark?"
"Lord, please forgive me!" cried Noah. "I did my best, but there were big
problems. First, I had to get a permit for construction and your plans did not
comply with the codes. I had to hire an engineering firm and redraw the plans.
Then I got into a fight with OSHA over whether or not the Ark needed a fire
sprinkler system and floatation devices. Then my neighbor objected, claiming I
was violating zoning ordinances by building the Ark in my front yard, so I had
to get a variance from the city planning commission.
I had problems getting enough wood for the Ark, because there was a ban on
cutting trees to protect the Spotted Owl. I finally convinced the U.S. Forest
Service that I needed the wood to save the owls. However, the Fish and Wildlife
Service won't let me catch any owls. So, no owls.
The carpenters formed a union and went out on strike. I had to negotiate a
settlement with the National Labor Union. Now I have 16 carpenters on the Ark,
but still no owls.
When I started rounding up the other animals, I got sued by an animal rights
group. They objected to me only taking two of each kind aboard. Just when I got
the suit dismissed, the EPA notified me that I could not complete the Ark
without filing an environmental impact statement on your proposed flood. They
didn't take very kindly to the idea that they had no jurisdiction over the
conduct of the Creator of the universe.
Then the Army Corps of Engineers demanded a map of the proposed new flood plan.
I sent them a globe.
Right now, I am trying to resolve a complaint filed with the Equal Employment
Opportunity Commission that I am practicing discrimination by not taking
godless, unbelieving people aboard!
The IRS has seized my assets, claiming that I'm building the Ark in preparation
to flee the country to avoid paying taxes. I just got a notice from the state
that I owe them some kind of user tax and failed to register the Ark as a
"recreational water craft."
Finally, the ACLU got the courts to issue an injunction against further
construction of the Ark, saying that since God is flooding the earth, it is a
religious event and therefore, unconstitutional. I really don't think I can
finish the Ark for another 5 or 6 years!" Noah wailed.
Suddenly, the sky began to clear, the sun began to shine and the seas began to
calm. A rainbow arched across the sky. Noah looked up hopefully, "You mean you
are not going to destroy the earth, Lord?"
"No," said the Lord sadly. "I don't have to. The government already has."