Noah's Excuses For Not Completing His Ark On Time
Posted by: bigguyhereagain <bigguyhereagain@...>
And the Lord said unto Noah: 'Where is the ark which I have commanded thee to build?'
And Noah said unto the Lord, 'Verily, I have had three carpenters off ill. The gopherwood supplier hath let me down---yea, even though the gopherwood hath been on order for nigh upon 12 months. What can I do O'Lord?'
And God said unto Noah: 'I want that ark finished even after seven days and seven nights.'
And Noah said: 'It will be so.' And it was not so.
And the Lord said unto Noah: 'What seemeth to be the trouble this time?'
And Noah said unto the Lord: 'Mine subcontractor hath gone bankrupt. The pitch which Thous commandest me to put on the outside of the ark hath not arrived. The plumber hath gone on strike. Shem, my son who helpeth me on the ark side of the business, hath formed a pop group with his brothers Ham and Japeth. Lord, I am undone. '
And the Lord grew angry and said: 'And what about the animals, the male and female of every sort that I ordered to come unto thee to keep their seed upon the face of the earth?'
And Noah said: 'They have been delivered unto the wrong address but should arriveth on Friday.
And the Lord said: 'How about the unicorns, and the fowls of the air by seven?'
And Noah wrung his hands and wept, saying: 'Lord, unicorns are a discontinued line, thou canst not get them for love or money. And fowls of the air are sold only in half-dozens. Lord, Lord, Thou knowest how it is.'
And the Lord in his wisdom said: 'Noah, my son, I knowest, Why else dost thou think I have caused a flood to descend upon the earth?'
And the Lord grew angry.
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~~~ Ten Reasons Adam Was The Most Fortunate Man ~~~
1. He is the only man who has never been compared to the man she could have married.
2. He had no in-laws to drop in.
3. There were no Jones for him to keep up with.
4. There were no credit cards OR shopping centers.
5. He never had his dinner interrupted by window salesmen.
6. He got away with wearing a simple wardrobe.
7. He never had to shovel snow!
8. If he had gone bald, who would have known that wasn't normal.
9. There was no "standard weight and height" tables - and the word FAT meant good.
10. When God asked "Adam, where are you?" He replied, "The woman you gave me was reading the map."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
~~~ Before and After Children ~~~
BEFORE Children: I was thankful for the opportunity to
vacation in exotic foreign countries so I could experience
a different way of life in a new culture.
AFTER Children: I am thankful to have time to make it all
the way down the driveway to get the mail.
BEFORE Children: I was thankful for the Moosewood
Vegetarian cookbook.
AFTER Children: I am thankful for the butterball turkey
hotline.
BEFORE Children: I was thankful for a warm, cozy home to share
with my loved ones.
AFTER Children: I am thankful for the lock on the bathroom
door.
BEFORE Children: I was thankful for material objects like
custom furniture, a nice car and trendy clothes.
AFTER Children: I am thankful when the baby spits up and
misses my good shoes.
BEFORE Children: I was thankful for my wonderful family.
AFTER Children: I am thankful for my wonderful family.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
~~~ Birthday Gift ~~~
A husband went to buy a birthday gift for his wife. Some
friends had been invited over that night to celebrate her
fortieth, and he wanted to get something special. At the
store he spotted some cute little music boxes. One blue
one was playing "Happy Birthday." Thinking they were
all the same, he chose a red one and had it gift-wrapped.
Later, at dinner, he gave it to his wife and asked her to
open it. When she lifted the lid, out came the tune to
"The Old Gray Mare, She Ain't What She Used to Be!"
Have a Blessed Day
Dave and Barbara
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