Quote from Forum Archives on May 21, 2004, 8:17 am

Posted by: bigguyhereagain <bigguyhereagain@...>

This is a holliday weekend in Canada so this will be a special weekend Edition and and we will be back on Tuesday.

Monday is Victoria Day in Canada.

Have a great weekend.

 

*************************

POLICE # 1  

 

 

 While taking a routine vandalism report at an elementary
school, I was interrupted by a little girl about 6 years old.  Looking
up and down at my uniform, she asked, "Are you a cop?"

 

"Yes," I answered and continued writing the report.

 

  "My mother said if I ever neede help I should ask the police. 

 Is that right?"

 

 "Yes, that's right," I told
her. 

 

 "Well, then," she said as she extended her foot toward me, "would
you please tie my shoe?"

 

 

"Dictionary for Women"

 

Airhead (er*hed) n. What a woman intentionally becomes
when pulled over by a policeman.

Arguement (ar*gyou*ment) n. A discussion that occurs
when you're right, but he just hasn't realized it yet.

Balance the checkbook (bal*ens da chek*buk) v. To go
to the cash machine and hit "inquire."

Bar-be-que (bar*bi*q) n. You bought the groceries, washed
the lettuce, chopped the tomatoes, diced the onions,
marinated the meat and cleaned everything up, but he
"made the dinner."

Blond jokes (blond joks) n. Jokes that are short so men
can understand them.

Cantaloupe (kant*e*lope) n. Gotta get married in a church.

Clothes dryer (kloze dri*yer) n. An appliance designed to
eat socks.

Diet soda (dy*it so*da) n. A drink you buy at a convenience
store to go with a half pound bag of M&Ms.

Eternity (e*ter*ni*tee) n. The last two minutes of a football
game.

Exercise (ex*er*siz) v. To walk up and down a mall,
occasionally resting to make a purchase.

Grocery List (grow*ser*ee list) n. What you spend an hour
and a half writing, then forget to take it with you to the store.

Hair Dresser (hare dres*ser) n. Someone who is able to
create a style that you will never be able to duplicate. See
"Magician."

Hardware Store (hard*war stor) n. Similar to a black hole in
space-if he goes in, he isn't coming out anytime soon.

Childbirth (child*brth) n. You get to go through 30 hours of
contractions; he gets to hold your hand and say, "Focus...
breathe...push..."

Lipstick (lip*stik) n. On your lips: color to enhance the beauty
of your mouth.  On his collar: coloring only a tramp would wear.

Park (park) v/n. Before children, a verb meaning "to go
somewhere and neck." After children, a noun meaning a place
with a swing set and a slide.

Patience (pa*shens)n. The most important ingredient for dating,
marriage, and children.  See also "tranquilizers."

Valentine's Day (val*en*tinz dae) n. A day when you have dreams
of a candlelight dinner, diamonds and romance, but consider
yourself lucky to get a card.

Waterproof Mascara (Wah*tr*pruf mas*kar*ah) n. Comes off if
you cry, shower or swim, but will not come off if you try to remove it.

Zillion (zil*yen) n. The number of times you ask someone to take
out the trash, then end up doing it yourself anyway.

 

 

The Argument

 

A husband and wife were involved in a petty argument,
both of them unwilling to admit they might be in error.
"I'll admit I'm wrong," the wife told her husband in a
conciliatory attempt, "if you'll admit I'm right."
He agreed and, like a gentleman, insisted she go first.
"I'm wrong," she said.
With a twinkle in his eye, he responded, "You're right!"

 

 

Corporate Structure

 

Is your company like this?

CORPORATE STRUCTURE
DEFINED AND ANALYZED

CHAIRMAN OF THE BOARD:
Leaps tall building in a single bound
Is more powerful than a locomotive
Is faster than a speeding bullet
Walks on water
Discusses policy with God

PRESIDENT:
Leaps short buildings in a single bound
Is more powerful than a switch engine
Is just as fast as a speeding bullet
Walks on water if the sea is calm
Talks with God

EXECUTIVE VICE PRESIDENT:
Leaps short buildings with a running start and favorable winds.
Is almost as powerful as a switch engine
Is faster than a speeding BB.
Walks on water in an indoor swimming pool
Talks with God if special request is approved

VICE PRESIDENT:
Barely clears a Quonset hut
Loses tug-of-war with a locomotive
Can fire a speeding bullet
Swims well
Is occasionally addressed by God

GENERAL MANAGER:
Makes high marks on the wall when trying to leap buildings
Is run over by locomotive
Can sometimes handle a gun without inflicting self-injury
Dog paddles
Talks to animals

MANAGER:
Runs into buildings
Recognizes locomotive two out of three times
Is not issued ammunition
Can't stay afloat with a life preserver
Talks to walls

TRAINEE:
Falls over doorsteps when trying to enter building
Says "look at the choo-choo"
Wets him/herself with a water pistol
Plays in mud puddles
Mumbles to him/herself

SECRETARY:
Lifts buildings and walks under them
Kicks locomotives off the tracks
Catches speeding bullets in his/her teeth
Freezes water with a single glance
Is God

 

 

Have a Blessed Day

Dave and Barbara

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