Santa Joins the Union
Posted by: clean-hewmor <clean-hewmor@...>
Santa's New Contract
I regret to inform you that, effective immediately, I will no longer be able to
serve Southern United States on Christmas Eve. Due to the overwhelming current
population of the earth, my contract was re-negotiated by North American Fairies
and Elves Local 209.
I now serve only certain areas of Ohio, Indiana, Illinois, Wisconsin and
Michigan. As part of the new and better contract, I also get longer breaks for
milk and cookies, so keep that in mind. However, I'm certain your children will
be in good hands with your local replacement who happens to be my third cousin,
Bubba Claus. His side of the family is from the South Pole. He shares my goal
of delivering toys to all the good boys and girls; however, there are a few
differences between us.
Differences such as:
1. There is no danger of a Grinch stealing your presents from Bubba Claus. He
has a gun rack on his sleigh and a bumper sticker that reads: "These toys
insured by Smith and Wesson."
2. Instead of milk and cookies, Bubba Claus prefers that children leave an RC
cola and pork rinds [or a moon pie] on the fireplace. And Bubba doesn't
smoke a pipe. He dips a little snuff though, so please have an empty spit
cup handy.
3. Bubba Claus' sleigh is pulled by floppy-eared, flyin' coon dogs instead of
reindeer. I made the mistake of loaning him a couple of my reindeer one
time, and Blitzen's head now overlooks Bubba's fireplace.
4. You won't hear "On Comet, on Cupid, on Donner and Blitzen ..." when Bubba
Claus arrives. Instead, you'll hear, "On Earnhardt, on Wallace, on Martin
and Labonte. On Rudd, on Jarrett, on Elliott and Petty."
5. "Ho, ho, ho!" has been replaced by "Yee Haw!" And you also are likely to
hear Bubba's elves respond, "I her'd dat!"
6. As required by Southern highway laws, Bubba Claus' sleigh does have a
Yosemite Sam safety triangle on the back with the words "Back off." The last
I heard, it also had other decorations on the sleigh back as well. One is a
Ford or Chevy logo with lights that race through the letters.
7. The usual Christmas movie classics such as "Miracle on 34th Street" and "It's
a Wonderful Life" will not be shown in your negotiated viewing area.
Instead, you'll see "Boss Hogg Saves Christmas" and "Smokey and the Bandit
IV," featuring Burt Reynolds as Bubba Claus and dozens of state patrol cars
crashing into each other.
8. Bubba Claus doesn't wear a belt. If I were you, I'd make sure you, the wife,
and the kids turn the other way when he bends over to put presents under the
tree.
9. And finally, lovely Christmas songs have been sung about me like "Rudolph The
Red-nosed Reindeer" and Bing Crosby's "Santa Claus Is Coming to Town." This
year songs about Bubba Claus will be played on all the AM radio stations in
the South. Those song titles will be Mark Chesnutt's "Bubba Claus Shot the
Jukebox" and "Grandma Got Run'd Over by a Reindeer."
Sincerely Yours,
Santa Claus (member of North American Fairies and Elves Local