School's Answering Machine
Posted by: bigguyhereagain <bigguyhereagain@...>
Hello! You have reached the automated answering service of your school.
In order to assist you in connecting to the right staff member, please listen to all options before making a selection:
To lie about why your child is absent - Press 1
To make excuses for why your child did not do his work - Press 2
To complain about what we do - Press 3
To cuss out staff members - Press 4
To ask why you didn't get needed information that was already enclosed in your newsletter and several bulletins mailed to you - Press 5
If you want us to raise your child - Press 6
If you want to reach out and touch, slap or hit someone - Press 7
To request another teacher for the third time this year - Press 8
To complain about bus transportation - Press 9
To complain about school lunches - Press 0
If you realize this is the real world and your child must be accountable/responsible for his/her own behavior, class work, homework, and that it's NOT the teacher's fault for your child(ren)'s lack of effort - HANG UP and HAVE A NICE DAY!
********************************************************************
I was trying to mow the lawn before my husband got home from
work, but our electric lawn mower refused to cooperate. It
would run fine for a few seconds, then cut off, run again, cut
off. Finally, I gave up and waited for my husband.
Before you take off, the stewardess tells you to fasten your Velcro.
The Captain asks all the passengers to chip in a little for gas.
When they pull the steps away, the plane starts rocking.
The Captain yells at the ground crew to get the cows off the runway.
No movie. Don't need one. Your life keeps flashing before your eyes.
All the planes have both a bathroom and a chapel.
*** The Rottweiler, The Leopard & The Monkey ***
So, wandering about, he notices a leopard heading rapidly in his direction with the obvious intention of having lunch. The rotti thinks, "OK, I'm in deep trouble now! Then he noticed some bones on the ground close by, and immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat.
Just as the leopard is about to leap, the rotti exclaims loudly, "Boy, that was one delicious leopard. I wonder if there are any more around here?"
Hearing this, the leopard halts his attack in mid-stride, as a look of terror comes over him, and slinks away into the trees. "Whew," says the leopard. "That was close. That rottweiler nearly had me."
Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard. So, off he goes. But the rottweiler saw him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figured that something must be up.
The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard. The leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine."
Now the rottweiler sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back, and thinks, "What am I going to do now?" But instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet . and just when they get close enough to hear the rotti says............"Where is that monkey? I sent him off half an hour ago to bring me another leopard.
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