Short (:'s
Posted by: clean-hewmor <clean-hewmor@...>
As most young, weak and smart kids are, Ken was picked on constantly by the
bullies in school. They stole his lunch, they beat him up and just downright
made his life miserable. It took him a couple of weeks to find a way to get
back at these bullies and when he found out what would get them back, he went
all out.
He was on the bus, where he normally gets his lunch stolen, when he brought out
a bottle that had what looked like small brown balls in it. He then, making sure
no one was looking, secretly took from his pocket some milk duds and started
popping them in his mouth as obvious to the rest of the kids as possible making
yum yum noises.
The bully without asking snatched the jar from Ken's hand and asked, "What's in
the bottle that you are making such a big deal of?"
"Well, they're smart pills."
"Smart pills?" the bully asked. Then opened the jar and popped a couple of the
foreign brown balls in his mouth.
"Pweeuuweppblahhh!!" he reacted. "What is this stuff? It tastes like rabbit
turds!!"
"See, you're getting smarter already."
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You don't want to do anything?
There was an inmate on death row, and he was scheduled to be put to death by
firing squad the next morning. Throughout the day, the prison guards were being
very nice to him.
But when they asked him if he wanted something specific for his last meal, he
didn't want anything special. When they asked if there was something special he
wanted to do, he said nothing. It went on like this all day.
Finally when he was put before the firing squad, the guard asked if he wanted a
cigarette and a blindfold. "No," the inmate said, "just get it over with."
"Well, is there anything that I can do for you before you go?" said the guard.
"You didn't even want a special last meal!"
The inmate thought. "Actually," he said, "Music is my life.
One thing I would really like would be to sing my favorite song, one whole time
through, with no interruptions." The guard nodded and told him to go ahead.
The inmate started..."One million bottles of beer on the wall......!"
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A concerned husband went to a doctor to talk about his wife. He says to the
doctor, "Doctor, I think my wife is deaf because she never hears me the first
time and I always have to repeat things."
"Well," the doctor replied, "Go home and tonight stand about 15 feet from her
and say something to her. If she doesn't reply move about 5 feet closer and say
it again. Keep doing this so that we'll get an idea about the severity of her
deafness".
Sure enough, the husband goes home and does exactly as instructed. He starts off
about 15 feet from his wife in the kitchen as she is chopping some vegetables
and says, "Honey, what's for dinner?" He hears no response. He moves about 5
feet closer and asks again. No reply. He moves 5 feet closer. Still no reply. He
gets fed up and moves right behind her, about an inch away, and asks again,
"Honey, what's for dinner?"
She replies,exasperated, "For the fourth time, vegetable stew!"
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Here is one of those " an eye for an eye deals".
A farmer felt he had been ripped off several times by the local car dealer. One
day, the car dealer informed the farmer that he was coming over to purchase a
cow. The farmer priced his unit as follows:
Basic cow
499.95
Shipping and handling
35.75
Extra stomach
79.25
Two tone exterior
142.10
Produce storage compartment
126.50
Heavy duty straw chopper
189.60
Four spigot/high output drain system
149.20
Automatic fly swatter
88.50
Genuine cowhide upholstery
179.90
Deluxe dual horns
59.25
Automatic fertilizer attachment
339.40
4 x 4 traction drive assembly
884.16
Pre delivery wash and comb
69.80
FARMERS SUGGESTED LIST PRICE:
2843.36
Additional dealer adjustments:
300.00
TOTAL LIST PRICE
(Including options): $3143.36
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A man calls his lawyer. The lawyer's secretary picks up the phone and explains
that the lawyer is dead. The man hangs up.
The next day, the man calls his lawyer again. Again the secretary explains that
the lawyer is dead. The man hangs up.
The following day, the man calls his lawyer yet again. This time the secretary
gets angry and says, "Look, I've told you twice already. Your lawyer is dead.
Why do you keep calling?"
"I just like to hear it," responded the caller.
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On some air bases the Air Force is on one side of the field and civilian
aircraft use the other side of the field, with the control tower in the middle.
One day on just such a field the tower received a call from an aircraft asking,
"What time is it?"
The tower responded, "Who is calling?"
The aircraft replied, "What difference does it make?"
The tower replied "It makes a lot of difference.
If it is an American Airlines Flight, it is 3 o'clock.
If it is an Air Force, it is 1500 hours.
If it is a Navy aircraft, it is 6 bells.
If it is an Army aircraft, the big hand is on the 12 and the little hand is
on the 3.
If it is a Marine Corps aircraft, it's Thursday afternoon.
If it is National Guard, it's still a couple of hours until quitting time."
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