Strange Lady
Posted by: bigguyhereagain <bigguyhereagain@...>
Even though this lady is residing in MY house, she may at some time appear
in yours. Be alert! A very weird thing has happened. A strange old lady has
moved into my house. I have no idea who she is, where she came from, or how
she got in.
I certainly did not invite her. All I know is that one day she wasn't there,
and the next day she was! She is a clever old lady and manages to keep out
of sight for the most part, but whenever I pass a mirror, I catch a glimpse of
her.
And, whenever I look in the mirror to check my appearance, there she is
hogging the whole thing, completely obliterating my
gorgeous face and body.
This is very rude! I have tried screaming at her, but she just screams back.
The least she could do is offer to pay part of the rent, but no.
Every once in a while, I find a dollar bill stuck in a coat pocket, or some
loose change under a sofa cushion, but it! is not nearly enough.
I don't want to jump to conclusions, but I think she is stealing money from
me. I go to the ATM and withdraw $100, and a few days later, it's all gone!
I certainly don't spend money THAT fast, so I can only conclude the old lady
is pilfering from me. You'd think she would spend some of that money to buy
wrinkle cream.
And money isn't the only thing I think she is stealing. Food seems to
disappear at an alarming rate--especially the good stuff like ice
cream, cookies, and candy. She must have a real sweet tooth, but she'd
better watch it, because she is really packing on the pounds. I suspect she
realizes this, and to make herself feel better, she is tampering with my scale to make me think I am putting on weight, too.
For an old lady, she is quite childish. She likes to play nasty games, like
going into my closets when I'm not home and altering my
clothes so they don't fit. And she messes with my files and papers so I
can't find anything. This is particularly annoying since I am extremely neat
and organized.
She has found other imaginative ways to annoy me. She gets into my mail,
newspapers, and magazines before I do and blurs the print so I can't read
it.
And she has done something really sinister to the volume controls on my TV,
radio, and telephone. Now, all I hear are mumbles and whispers.
She has done other things--like make my stairs stepper, my vacuum cleaner
heavier and all my knobs and faucets harder to turn. She
even made my bed higher so that getting into and out of it is a real
challenge.
Lately, she has been fooling with my groceries before I put them away,
applying glue to the lids, making it almost impossible for me to
open the jars.
She has taken the fun out of shopping for clothes. When I try something on,
she stands in front of the dressing room mirror and monopolizes it. She
looks totally ridiculous in some of those outfits, plus, she keeps me from
seeing how great they look on me.
Just when I thought she couldn't get any meaner, she proved me wrong. She
came along when I went to get my picture taken for my driver's license,
and just as the camera shutter clicked, she jumped in front of me!
I hope she never finds out where YOU live.
Airline Humor
Enjoy!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
All too rarely, airline attendants make an effort to make the
in-flight "safety lecture" and their other announcements a bit more
entertaining. Here are some real examples that have been heard or
reported:
On a Continental Flight with a very "senior" flight attendant crew, the
pilot said, "Ladies and gentlemen, we've reached cruising altitude and
will be turning down the cabin lights. This is for your comfort and to
enhance the appearance of your flight attendants."
*****************************
On landing, the stewardess said, "Please be sure to take all of your
belongings. If you're going to leave anything, please make sure it's
something we'd like to have."
*******************************
There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out
of this airplane"
****! *************************
"Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you enjoyed giving
us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride."
*******************************
As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Ronald Reagan, a lone
voice came over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella. WHOA!"
*********************************
After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a
flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced, "Please take care when
opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that,
sure as hell everything has shifted."
**********************************
From a Southwest Airlines employee: "Welcome aboard Southwest Flight
245 to Tampa. To operate your seat belt, insert the metal tab into the
buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seat belt; and,
if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in
public unsupervised.
***************************
In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, masks will descend from
the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face.
If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before
assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with more than one small
child, pick your favorite.
*****************************
Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but
we'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember,
nobody loves you, or your money, more than Southwest Airlines."
*********************************
"Your seat cushions can be used for flotation; and, in the event of ! an
emergency water landing, please paddle to shore and take them with our
compliments."
************************************
"Should the cabin lose pressure, oxygen masks are in the overhead area.
Please place the bag over your own mouth and nose before assisting
children ... or other adults acting like children."
****************************************
"As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your belongings.
Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight
attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses."
****************************************
And from the pilot during his welcome message: "Delta airlines is
pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry.
Unfortunately, none of them are on this flight!"
********************************************
Heard on Southwest Airlines just after a very hard landing in Salt Lake
City: The flight attendant came on the intercom and said, "That was
quite a bump, and I know what y'all are thinking. I'm here to tell you
it wasn't the airline's fault, it wasn't the pilot's fault, it wasn't the flight
attendant's fault ...it was the asphalt."
*********************************! ************
Overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo, Texas, on a
particularly windy and bumpy day: During the final approach, the
Captain was really having to fight it. After an extremely hard landing,
the Flight Attendant said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo.
Please remain in your seats with your seat belts fastened while the
Captain taxis what's left of our airplane to the gate!"
**************************************************
Another flight attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: "We
ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the
terminal."
***************************************************
An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered
his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which
required the first officer to stand at the door while the Passengers
exited, smile, and give them a "Thanks for flying our airline." He said
that, in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers
in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment. Finally
everyone had gotten off except for a little old lady walking with a cane.
She said, "Sir, do you mind if I ask you a question?" "Why, no, Ma'am,"
said the pilot. "What is it?" The little old lady said, "Did we land, or were
we shot down?"
*******************************************************
After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the Flight Attendant came
on with, "Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Capt.
Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt
against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning
bells are silenced, we'll open the door and you can pick your way through
the wreckage to the terminal."
*************************************************************
Part of a flight attendant's arrival announcement! "We'd like to thank
you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the insane
urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope
you'll think of US Airways."
*************************************************************
A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After it reached a
comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the
intercom, "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome
to Flight N! umber 293, nonstop from New York to Los Angeles. The weather
ahead is good and, therefore, we should have a smooth and uneventful
flight. Now sit back and relax... OH, MY GOD!" Silence followed, and
after a few minutes, the captain came back on the intercom and said,
"Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier. While I was
talking to you, the flight attendant brought me a cup of coffee and spilled
the hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!" A
passenger in Coach yelled, "That's nothing. You should see the back of
mine!"
******************************************************
on a Southwest Airline flight: "Ladies and! gentlemen, if you wish to
smoke, the smoking section on this airplane is on the wing and if you
can light 'em, you can smoke 'em.
Have a Blessed Day
Dave and Barbara
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