Quote from Forum Archives on December 9, 2003, 8:26 am

Posted by: bigguyhereagain <bigguyhereagain@...>

 

*** Supervision ***  

 

My grandson, Chris, has worn glasses since the age of
three. When he was in the first grade he came home one day
very distressed. Wanting to find out what was the matter
his mother asked, "Chris, what happened today to upset you
so?"

 

He answered, "It's not fair that I'm not allowed to go to
the library."

 

His mother became very concerned and asked, "Why aren't
you allowed to go to the library?"

 

With a tearful reply he said, "Because, in order to go to
the library you have to have super-vision, and I wear
glasses!"

*** Dogs Rules For Christmas *** 

 

 

 

1. Be especially patient with your humans during this time. They may
appear to be more stressed-out than usual and they will appreciate long
comforting dog leans.

 

2. They may come home with large bags of things they call gifts. Do not
assume that all the gifts are yours.

 

3. Be tolerant if your humans put decorations on you. They seem to get
some special kind of pleasure out of seeing how you look with fake
antlers.

 

4. They may bring a large tree into the house and set it up in a
prominent place and cover it with lights and decorations.
Bizarre as this may seem to you, it is an important ritual for your humans,
so there are some things you need to know:
Don't pee on the tree Don't drink water in the container that holds the
tree
Mind your tail when you are near the tree. If there are packages under
the tree, even ones that smell interesting or that have your name on them,
don't rip them open
Don't chew on the cord that runs from the funny-looking hole in the
wall to the tree

 

5. Your humans may occasionally invite lots of strangers to come visit
during this season.
These parties can be lots of fun, but they also call for some
discretion on your part:
Not all strangers appreciate kisses and leans
Don't eat off the buffet table
Beg for goodies subtly
Be pleasant, even if unknowing strangers sit on your sofa
Don't drink out of glasses that are left within your reach unless you
can get away with it...

 

6. Likewise, your humans may take you visiting. Here your manners will
also be important: Observe all the rules in #4 for trees that may be in other
people's houses.
(4a is particularly important) Respect the territory of other animals
that may live in the house Tolerate children Turn on your charm big time.

 

7. A big man with a white beard and a very loud laugh may emerge from
your fireplace in the middle of the night. DON'T BITE HIM!!!

*** Twelve Days Of Christmas *** 

 

     

 

On the first day of Christmas, my kitten ruined for me...
A batch of my special hand-print cookies. I had turned my back to
grab the cookie sheet sitting on the stove. In that micro-second,
Fluffy climbed onto the table, poked her paw into the delightfully
kneady mixture and, suddenly off-balance, fell into the cookie
dough. Net loss? Six cups of flour, four cups of sugar, three
sticks of butter.... Of course, it would have been cheaper to
remove the feline ingredient, pick out the hairs, and just rename
the recipe Paw Print Cookies.

 

On the second day of Christmas, my kitten accompanied me....
On a trip to the vet clinic. Who knew that skinny curling ribbon
has feline taste appeal? I didn't. Damages: $28 for the office
visit, $36 for anesthesia so the veterinarian could take $55 X-
rays in case Fluffy had taste-tested any other Christmas
decorations, and a heck of a lot of embarrassment when the vet
removed the 3' curly 'tail' in slightly less than two seconds by
tugging at it with a pair of tweezers.

 

On the third day of Christmas, my kitten wrecked for me...
13 ornaments on my Christmas tree. My mistake was forgetting to
chain the decorations to the branches. My other error was leaving
the room to go to the bathroom while Fluffy feigned sleeping under
the tree. How was I to know that she was actually measuring its
climbing potential? Value of broken bulbs? 7.50 plus tax.

 

On the fourth day of Christmas, my kitten broke for me...
A statue in my Lenox Nativity. Would you believe two Wise men plus
a head? Lenox nativity figurines: $55.99

 

On the fifth day of Christmas, my kitten scratched for me...
The kid across the street who collects for charity. It was an
accident. She merely wanted to reach out and touch someone.
Unfortunately, she used a unsheathed claw to do so. I settled out-
of-court for the cost of a jacket to replace the boy's blood
stained one and a hefty donation to the charity of their choice.
Although the amount must remain secret according to our
settlement, let me put it this way. You haven't seen many soldiers
for the Salvation Army this year, have you? Think: Major Windfall!

 

On the sixth day of Christmas, my kitten opened for me...
The presents beneath my Christmas tree. It was only two, really.
While doing some early shopping at a discount store, I purchased a
catnip mouse for Fluffy's stocking. Apparently, anything in the
same bag as catnip takes on its potent aroma for a very long time.
Replacement costs: $3.99 for another roll of Christmas wrapping
paper, $4.50 for two empty boxes, $1 each for the kind of bows
Fluffy can't unravel.

 

On the seventh day of Christmas, my kitten lost for me...
The earrings I bought for my sister Mary. Actually, it was one
earring but since Mary doesn't have a hole in her nose or navel, a
pair of matching earrings does make a more appealing gift. Sale
price: $29.95 plus tax.

 

On the eighth day of Christmas, my kitten helped me...
Replace my E and G guitar strings. Would you believe a kitten
could fit into the itty-bitty hole in the middle of my Yamaha
guitar? Neither could I, but Fluffy thought so. And she succeeded
once she got those rascally strings out of the way. Unfortunately,
her little rear end couldn't get out the way it came in. After
paying through the whiskers for her previous escapades, I would
have been willing to leave her in the guitar for the duration of
the holiday season, except that she chose to get stuck two hours
before I was due at the nursing home for our annual Christmas
carol sing-a-long. Set of steel guitar strings: $12.95; jar of
petroleum jelly: 79 cents.

 

On the ninth day of Christmas, my kitten destroyed for me...
My Christmas card list when she walked across my computer's delete
key. Cost for call to Computer Country's 900/help line: $17.50.
And I still don't know what happened to the listings of B through
H.

 

On the tenth day of Christmas, my kitten hid from me.....
The remote control from my 13-inch TV. This wouldn't be such a
disaster if she hadn't previously stolen the power knob. I missed
a week's worth of Christmas specials, including my all-time
favorite, "It's a Wonderful Life." Rental of "It's a Wonderful
Life": $2; purchase of book, "Good owners, great cats": $24.95.
Unfortunately, it never mentions the psychological profile of
kittens with kleptomania.

 

On the eleventh day of Christmas, my kitten ate for me.....
The drumsticks off my 19-pound turkey. OK,OK, So this one time it
was my fault. I knew I never should have uttered those now
infamous words: "Your first turkey, Fluffy. Want to try just a
little piece?" Cost: Christmas Dinner.

 

On the 12th day of Christmas........
Fluffy rested. And so, thank goodness, did my VISA card.

Have a Blessed Day
Dave and Barbara

 

 

 

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