Talking to Telemarketers
Posted by: clean-hewmor <clean-hewmor@...>
1. If they want to loan you money, tell them you just filed for bankruptcy and
you could sure use some money. Ask them, "Do I have to pay it back, like
with all those other people?"
2. If they start out with, "How are you today?" say, "Why do you want to know?"
Alternately, you can tell them, "I'm so glad you asked, because no one these
days seems to care, and I have all these problems; my arthritis is acting up,
my eyelashes are sore, my dog just died..." When they try to get to the sell,
just keep talking about your problems.
3. If they say they're John Doe from XYZ Company, ask them to spell their name.
Then ask them to spell the company name. Then ask them where it is located.
Continue asking them personal questions or questions about their company for
as long as necessary.
4. Used by Carole Campbell: "If you would like to speak with Mr. or Mrs.
Campbell, you must write a letter to request a scheduled time for a
telephone interview.
5. Cry out in surprise, "Judy! Is that you? Oh my Gosh! Judy, how have you
been?" Hopefully, this will give Judy a few brief moments of terror as
she tries to figure out where the heck she could know you from.
6. Say "No," over and over. Be sure to vary the sound of each one, and keep a
rhythmic tempo, even as they are trying to speak. This is most fun if you can
do it until they hang up.
7. If MCI calls trying to get you to sign up for the Family and Friends Plan,
reply, in as SINISTER a voice as you can, "I don't have any friends...would
you be my friend?"
8. If the company cleans rugs, respond: "Can you get out blood? Can you get out
GOAT blood? How about HUMAN blood?
9. After the telemarketer gives their spiel, ask him/her to marry you. When they
get all flustered, tell them that you could not just give your credit card
number to a complete stranger.
10. Tell the telemarketer that you work for the same company, they often can't
sell to employees.
11. Answer the phone. As soon as you realize it is a telemarketer, set the
receiver down, shout or scream "Oh NO!!!" and then hang up.
12. Tell the telemarketer you are busy at the moment and ask them if they will
give you their HOME phone number so you can call them back. When the
telemarketer explains that they cannot give out their HOME number, you say,
"I guess you don't want anyone bothering you at home, right?" The
telemarketer will agree and you say, "Now you know how I feel!" Hang up.
13. Ask them to repeat everything they say, several times.
14. Tell them it is dinner time, BUT ask if they would please hold. Put them on
your speaker phone while you continue to eat at your leisure. Smack your
food loudly and continue with your dinner conversation.
15. Tell the telemarketer you are on "home incarceration" and ask if they could
bring you some snacks.
16. Ask them to fax the information to you, and make up a number.
17. Tell them to talk VERY SLOWLY, because you want to write EVERY WORD down.
18. Insist that the caller is really your buddy Leon, playing a joke. "Come on
Leon, cut it out! Seriously, Leon, how's your momma?"
19. Tell them you are hard of hearing and that they need to speak up...louder...
louder... louder...