TEN RULES OF HOUSECLEANING: Thursday
Posted by: bigguyhereagain <bigguyhereagain@...>
1. Vacuuming too often weakens the carpet fibers. Say this with a
serious face, and shudder delicately whenever anyone mentions Carpet
Fresh.
2. If disturbed, dust bunnies cannot evolve into dust rhinos. Rename
the area under the couch "The Galapagos Islands," and claim an ecological
exemption.
3. Layers of dirty film on windows and screens provide a helpful filter
against harmful and aging rays from the sun. Call it an SPF factor of
5, and leave it alone.
4. Cobwebs artfully draped over lampshades reduce the glare from the
bulb, thereby creating a romantic atmosphere. If your husband points
out
that the light fixtures need dusting, simply look affronted and
exclaim,
"What? And spoil the mood?"
5. In a pinch, you can always claim that the haphazard tower of unread
magazines and newspapers next to your chair provides the valuable Feng
Shui aspect of a tiger, thereby reducing your vulnerability. Roll your
eyes when you say this.
6. Explain away the mound of pet hair brushed up against the doorways
by claiming you are collecting it there to use for stuffing hand-sewn play
animals for underprivileged children.
7. If unexpected company is coming, pile everything unsightly into one
room and close the door. As you show your guests through your tidy
home, rattle the door knob vigorously, fake a growl and say, "I'd love
you to see our Den, but Fluffy hates to be disturbed, and the shots are
SO expensive."
8. If dusting is REALLY out of control, simply place a showy urn on the
coffee table and insist that "THIS is where Grandma wanted us to
scatter her ashes."
9. Don't bother repainting. Simply scribble lightly over a dirty wall
with an assortment of crayons, and try to muster a glint of tears as
you say, "Junior did this the week before that unspeakable accident. I
haven't had the heart to clean it."
10. Mix one-quarter cup pine-scented household cleaner with four cups
of water in a spray bottle. Mist the air lightly. Leave dampened rags in
conspicuous locations. Develop an exhausted look, throw yourself onto
the couch, and sigh, "I clean and I clean, and I still don't get
anywhere."
"Ten Ways You Know Your Internet Connection is A Little Slow"
1. Text on Web pages displays as Morse Code.
2. Graphics arrive via FedEx.
3. You believe a heavier string might improve your connection.
4. You post a message to your favorite newsgroup and it displays a week later.
5. Your credit card expires while ordering online.
6. ESPN Web site exhibits "Heisman Trophy Winner"...for 1989.
7. You're still in the middle of downloading that popular new game, "PacMan".
8. Everyone you talk to on the 'net phone' sounds like Forrest Gump.
9. You receive e-mails with stamps on them.
10. When you click the "Send" button, a little door opens on the side of your monitor and a pigeon flies out.
Have a Blessed Day
Dave and Barbara
I do not mail clean-hewmor unsolicited. If you are receiving this newsletter from me it's because you have subscribed to this mailing list. If you receive this newsletter and are not a subscriber then someone, other than me, has forwarded it to you.
Clean-Hewmor is only as good as the humor YOU contribute. Please take a few moments to send something funny so we can all get a good laugh! -- To unsubscribe, send ANY message to: clean-hewmor-unsubscribe@welovegod.org To subscribe, send ANY message to: clean-hewmor-subscribe@welovegod.org>