Quote from Forum Archives on May 3, 2005, 11:36 am

Posted by: bigguyhereagain <bigguyhereagain@...>

"The Best Tools"

 

 

Forget the Snap-On Tools truck; it's never there when you need it.
Besides, there are only ten things in this world you need to fix any
car, any place, any time.

 

 1. Duct Tape: Not just a tool, a veritable Swiss Army knife in stickum
and plastic.  It's safety wire, body material, radiator hose,
upholstery, insulation, tow rope, and more in one easy-to-carry package.
Sure, there's a prejudice surrounding duct tape in concourse
competitions, but in the real world everything from LeMans - winning
Porsches to Atlas rockets - uses it by the yard.  The only thing that
can get you out of more scrapes is a quarter and a phone booth.

 

 2. Vice-Grips: Equally adept as a wrench, hammer, pliers, baling wire
twister, breaker-off of frozen bolts, and wiggle-it-till-it-falls off
tool. The heavy artillery of your toolbox, Vice Grips are the only tool
designed expressly to fix things screwed up beyond repair.

 

 3. Spray Lubricants: A considerably cheaper alternative to new doors,
alternators, and other squeaky items.  Slicker than pig phlegm.
Repeated soakings of WD-40 will allow the main hull bolts of the Andrea
Dora to be removed by hand.  Strangely enough, an integral part of these
sprays is the infamous little red tube that flies out of the nozzle if
you look at it cross-eyed, one of the ten worst tools of all time.

 

 4. Margarine Tubs With Clear Lids: If you spend all your time under the
hood looking for a frendle pin that caromed off the peedle valve when
you knocked both off the air cleaner, it's because you eat butter.  Real
mechanics consume pounds of tasteless vegetable oil replicas, just so
they can use the empty tubs for parts containers afterward.  (Some, of
course, chuck the butter-colored goo altogether or use it to repack
wheel bearings.) Unlike air cleaners and radiator lips, margarine tubs
aren't connected by a time/space wormhole to the Parallel Universe of
Lost Frendle Pins.

 

 5. Big Rock At The Side Of The Road: Block up a tire.  Smack corroded
battery terminals.  Pound out a dent.  Bop nosy know-it-all types on the
noodle.  Scientists have yet to develop a hammer that packs the raw
banging power of granite or limestone.  This is the only tool with which
a "made in India" emblem is not synonymous with the user's maiming.

 

 6. Plastic Zip Ties: After twenty years of lashing down stray hoses and
wired with old bread ties, some genius brought a slightly slicked up
version to the auto parts market.  Fifteen zip ties can transform a
hulking mass of amateur-quality rewiring from a working model of the
Brazilian rain forest into something remotely resembling a wiring
harness.  Of course, it works both ways.  When buying used cars,
subtract $100.00 for each zip tie under the hood.

 

 7. Ridiculously Large Standard Screwdriver With Lifetime Guarantee.
Let's admit it.  There's nothing better for prying, chiseling, lifting,
breaking, splitting, or mutilating than a huge flat-bladed screwdriver,
particularly when wielded with gusto and a big hammer.  This is also the
tool of choice for oil filters so insanely located they can only be
removed by driving a stake in one side and out the other.  If you break
the screwdriver - and you will, just like Dad or your shop teacher said
- who cares? It's guaranteed.

 

8. Bailing Wire: Commonly known as MG muffler brackets, bailing wire
holds anything that's too hot for tape or ties.  Like duct tape, it's
not recommended for concourse contenders since it works so well you'll
never replace it with the right thing again.  Bailing wire is a
sentimental favorite in some circles, particularly with MG, Triumph, and
flathead Ford set.

 

 9. Bonking Stick: This monstrous tuning fork with devilishly pointy
ends is technically known as a tie-rod- end separator, but how often do
you separate tie-ends?  Once every decade, if you're lucky.  Other than
medieval combat, its real use is the all purpose application of undue
force, not unlike that of the huge flat-bladed screwdriver.  Nature
doesn't know the bent metal panel or frozen exhaust pipe that can stand
up to a good bonking stick. (Can also be used to separate tie rod ends
in a pinch, of course, but does a lousy job of it).

 

 10. A Quarter and a Phone Booth:  (See #1 above.)

 

"The Scientist"

 

 

One day a group of scientists got together and decided that man had come
a long way and no longer needed God. They picked one scientist to go and
tell Him that they were done with Him. The scientist walked up to God
and said, "God, we've decided that we no longer need you. We're to the
point that we can clone people and do many miraculous things, so why
don't you just leave us be."

 

God listened patiently to the man and after the scientist was finished
talking, God said, "Very well. How about this? Let's have a man making
contest."

 

The scientist, with great arrogance said, "That would be fine."

 

The Lord added, "Now, we are going to do this just like I did back in
the old days with Adam."

 

The scientist said, "Sure, no problem," then bent down and grabbed a
handful of dirt.

 

God said to the scientist, "No, no, no. You go get your own dirt!"

 

"Dentist"

 

 

 

A man and his wife walked into a dentist's office. The man said to the dentist, "Doctor, I'm in one heck of a big hurry! I have two buddies sitting out in my car waiting for us to go play golf. So forget about the anesthetic and just pull the tooth and be done with it-- I don't have time to wait for the anesthetic to work!
The dentist thought to himself, "My goodness--this sure is a very brave man, asking me to pull his tooth without using anything to kill the pain."
So the dentist asked him, "Which tooth is it, sir?"
The man turned to his wife and said, "Open your mouth, Honey, and show the doctor which one hurts."

 

"A happy heart is like good medicine" (Proverbs 17:22)

 

 

Have a Blessed Day
Dave and Barbara

 

 

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