Quote from Forum Archives on July 17, 2006, 11:01 am

Posted by: bigguyhereagain <bigguyhereagain@...>

"The Bible According to Kids"

 

       

 

The following statements about the Bible were written by children and have not been retouched or corrected (i.e., bad spelling has been left in.)

 

In the first book of the Bible, Guinesses, God got tired of creating the world, so he took the Sabbath off.

 

Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree.

 

Noah's wife was called Joan of Ark because Noah built the ark, which the animals came to in pears.

 

Lot's wife was a pillar of salt by day, but a ball of fire by night.

 

The Jews were a proud people and throughout history they had trouble with unsympathetic Genitals.

 

Samson was a strong man who let himself be led astray by a Jezebel like Delilah.

 

Samson slew the Philistines with the axe of the Apostles.

 

Moses led the Hebrews to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread, which is bread without any ingredients.

 

The Egyptians were all drowned in the dessert.

 

Afterwards, Moses went up to Mount Cyanide to find the ten commendments.

 

The first commandment was when Eve told Adam to eat the apple.

 

The seventh commandment is "Thou shalt not admit adultery".

 

Moses died before he ever reached Canada.

 

"Classroom Smarts"

 

        

 

Kids are smarter than they used to be. And they do say the dandiest things! Check out the following wisecracks and wisdom and you be the judge!

 

TEACHER: How old were you on your last birthday?
STUDENT: Seven.
TEACHER: How old will you be on your next birthday?
STUDENT: Nine.
TEACHER: That's impossible.
STUDENT: No, it isn't, Teacher. I'm eight today.

 

TEACHER: George, go to the map and find North America.
GEORGE: Here it is!
TEACHER: Correct. Now, class, who discovered America?
CLASS: George!

 

TEACHER: Willy, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago.
WILLY: Me!

 

"DON'T MESS WITH MOM"

            

                  

  The Childs Comments and Thoughts

 

  My son came home from school one day,
  with a smirk upon his face.
  He decided he was smart enough,
  to put me in my place.

 

  "Guess what I learned in Civics Two,
  that's taught by Mr. Wright?
  It's all about the laws today,
  The 'Children's Bill of Rights.'

 

It says I need not clean my room,
  don't have to cut my hair
  No one can tell me what to think,
  or speak, or what to wear.

 

I have freedom from religion,
  and regardless what you say,
  I don't have to bow my head,
  and I sure don't have to pray.

 

  I can wear earrings if I want,
  and pierce my tongue & nose.
  I can read & watch just what I like,
  get tattoos from head to toe.

 

  And if you ever spank me,
  I'll charge you with a crime.
  I'll back up all my charges,
  with the marks on my behind.

 

  Don't you ever touch me,
  my body's only for my use,
  not for your hugs and kisses,
  that's just more child abuse.

 

  Don't preach about your morals,
  like your Mama did to you.
  That's nothing more than mind control,
  And it's illegal too!

 

  Mom, I have these children's rights,
  so you can't influence me,
  or I'll call Children's Services Division,
  better known  as C.S.D."

 

  Mom's Reply and Thoughts

 

  Of course my first instinct was
  to toss him out the door.
  But the chance to teach him a lesson
  made me think a little more.

 

  I mulled it over carefully,
  I couldn't let this go.
  A smile crept upon my face,
  he's messing with a pro.

 

  Next day I took him shopping
  at the local Goodwill Store..
  I told him, "Pick out all you want,
  there's shirts & pants galore.

 

I've called and checked with C.S.D.
  who said they didn't care
  if I bought you K-Mart shoes
  instead of those Nike Airs.

 

  I've canceled that appointment
  to take your driver's test.
  The C.S.D. is unconcerned
  so I'll decide what's best."

 

  I said "No time to stop and eat,
  or pick up stuff to munch.
  And tomorrow you can start to learn
  to make your own sack lunch.

 

Just save the raging appetite,
  and wait till dinner time.
  We're having liver and onions,
  a favorite dish of mine."

 

  He asked "Can I please rent a movie,
  to watch on my VCR?"
  "Sorry, but I sold your TV,
  for new tires on my car.

 

  I also rented out your room,
  you'll take the couch instead.
 
The C.S.D. requires
  just a roof over your head.

 

  Your clothing won't be trendy now,
  I'll choose what we eat
  That allowance that you used to get,
  will buy me something neat.

 

  I'm selling off your jet ski,
  dirt-bike & roller blades.
  Check out the 'Parents Bill of Rights',
  It's in effect today!

 

  Hey hot shot, are you crying,
  Why are you on your knees?
  Are you asking God to help you out,
  instead of C.S.D..?"

 

  Send to all people that have teenagers or have already raised teenagers, or have children who will soon be teenagers or those who will be parents someday OR ANYONE WHO'D JUST GET A LAUGH.

 

I love this One!!!
from a MOM      
(Mean Old MoM.)

 

 

Have a Blessed Day
Dave and Barbara

 

       

 

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