Quote from Forum Archives on December 20, 2006, 6:56 am

Posted by: bigguyhereagain <bigguyhereagain@...>

Where did the year go? Suddenly it is December again.
A big "Thank You" to each and everyone of you for all the
e-mails we received from you.

 

Let Us Always Remember
"The Reason For The Season"
And Celebrate The Birth Of Our Lord
With Joy And Love.

 

We hope you have enjoyed our papers this year.
We will now take a break over the hollidays and
see you in the New Year.

 

Merry Christmas and  Happy New Year
from Our House to Yours

 

Dave and Barbara

 

 

"The Christmas Flight"

 

It was a few days before Christmas. The trip went reasonably well, and he was ready to go back home. The airport on the other end had turned a tacky red and green, and loudspeakers blared annoying elevator renditions of cherished Christmas carols.
      
Being someone who took Christmas very seriously, and being slightly tired, he was not in a particularly good mood. (Almost a scrooge) Going to check in his luggage (which, for some reason, had become one suitcase with entirely new clothes), he saw hanging mistletoe. Not real mistletoe, but very cheap plastic with red paint on some of the rounder parts and green paint on some of the flatter and pointer parts, that could be taken for mistletoe only in a very Picasso sort of way.
      
With a considerable degree of irritation and nowhere else to vent it, he said to the attendant, "Even if we were married, I would not want to kiss you under such a ghastly mockery of mistletoe."
      
"Sir, look more closely at where the mistletoe is."
      
"Ok, I see that it's above the luggage scale which is the place you'd have to step forward for a kiss."
      
"That's not why it's there."
      
"Ok, I give up. Why is it there?"    

 

"It's there so you can kiss your luggage good-bye."

 

"If Companies Ran Christmas"

 

 

If IBM ran Christmas...
They would want one big Santa, dressed in blue, where kids queue up for
their present-processing. Receiving presents would take about 24-36
hours of mainframe processing time.

 

If Microsoft ran Christmas...
Each time you bought an ornament, you would have to buy a tree as well.
You wouldn't have to take the tree, but you still have to pay for it
anyway. Ornament/95 would weigh 1500 pounds (requiring a reinforced
steel counter top tree), draw enough electricity to power a small city,
take up 95% of the space in your living room, would claim to be the
first ornament that uses the colors red/green together. It would
interrogate your other decorations to find out who made them. Most
everyone would hate Microsoft ornaments, but nonetheless would buy them
since most of the other tree types wouldn't work with their hooks.

 

If Apple ran Christmas...
It would do everything the Microsoft ornaments do, but years earlier,
and with a smaller mouse (not stirring of course).

 

If Silicon Graphics ran Christmas...
Ornaments would be priced slightly higher, but would hang on the tree
remarkably quickly. Also the colors of the ornaments would be prettier
than most all the others. Options would be available for 'equalization'
of color combinations on the tree.

 

If Dell ran Christmas...
Wait a minute? Isn't IBM running this Christmas..? ?

 

If Fisher Price ran Christmas...
"Baby's First Ornament" would have a hand-crank that you turn to hang
the thing on the tree.

 

If The Rand Corporation ran Christmas...
The ornaments would be large perfectly smooth and seamless black cubes.
Christmas morning there would be presents for everyone, but no one would
know what they were. Their service department would have an unlisted
phone number, and be located at the North Pole. Blueprints for ornaments
would be highly classified government documents. X-Files would have an
episode about them.

 

If the NSA ran Christmas...
Your ornaments would have a secret trap door that only the NSA could
access in case they needed to monitor your tree for reasons of national
security.

 

If IRS ran Christmas...
We would have no tree.

 

If Hewlett-Packard ran Christmas...
They would market the Reverse Polish Ornament, which is put in your
attic on the weekend after Thanksgiving, and placed out for viewing the
day after the January Bowl Games.

 

If Sony ran Christmas...
Their Personal Xmas-ing Device, which would be barely larger than an
ornament and flat, would allow you to celebrate the season with a device
that allowed you to play a game to shoot down virtual dragon ornaments.

 

If the Franklin Mint ran Christmas...
Every month, you would receive another lovely hand-crafted item from an
authentic Civil War pewter ornament collection. Each ornament would
weight about 7 pounds, and require you to pay shipping and handling
charges.

 

If Cray ran Christmas...
The holiday season would cost $16 million but would be celebrated faster
than any other holiday during the year.

 

If Thinking Machines ran Christmas...
You would be able to hang over 64,000 ornaments on your tree (all
identical) at the same time.

 

If Timex ran Christmas...
The holiday would be cheap, small, quartz-crystal driven, and would let
you take a licking and keep on shopping.

 

If Radio Shack ran Christmas...
The staff would sell you ornaments, but not know anything about them or
what they were for. Or you could buy parts to build your own tree.

 

If K-Tel ran Christmas...
Ornaments would not be sold in stores, but when you purchased some, they
would be accompanied by a free set of Ginsu knives.

 

If Wal-Mart ran Christmas...
They would immediately change the name to Wal-Mas.

 

"TWELVE PAINS OF CHRISTMAS"

 

For the First Pain of Christmas AOL / Yahoo Gave to me:
A Post Brom a Week Ago.

 

For the Second Pain of Christmas AOL-Yahoo Gave to me:
2 Web Crashes,
and a Post From a Week Ago.

 

For the Third Pain of Christmas AOL-Yahoo Gave to me:
3 Error Messages,
2 Web Crashes,
and A Post From a Week Ago.

 

For the Fourth Pain of Christmas AOL-Yahoo Gave to me:
4 Jerks at Tech Help,
3 Error Messages,
2 Web Crashes,
and a Post From a Week Ago.

 

For the Fifth Pain of Christmas AOL-Yahoo Gave to me:
5 Frozen PM's,
4 Jerks at Tech Help,
3 Error Messages,
2 Web Crashes,
and A Post From a Week Ago.

 

For the Sixth Pain of Christmas AOL-Yahoo Gave to me:
6 Disconnection' s,
5 Frozen PM's,
4 Jerks at Tech Help,
3 Error Messages,
2 Web Crashes,
and A Post From a Week Ago.

 

For the Qeventh Pain of Christmas AOL-Yahoo Gave to me:
7 Hours With No Mail,
6 Disconnection' s,
5 Frozen PM's,
4 Jerks at Tech Help,
3 Error Messages,
2 Web Crashes,
and A Post From a Week Ago.

 

For the Eighth Pain of Christmas AOL-Yahoo Gave to me:
8 Channels Not Working,
7 Hours With No Mail,
6 Disconnection' s,
5 Frozen PM's,
4 Jerks at Tech Help,
3 Error Messages,
2 Web Crashes,
and A Post From a Week Ago.

 

For the Ninth Pain of Christmas AOL-Yahoo Gave to me:
9 Viagra Advertisements,
8 Channels Not Working,
7 Hours With No Mail,
6 Disconnection' s,
5 Frozen PM's,
4 Jerks at Tech Help,
3 Error Messages,
2 Web Crashes,
and A Post From a Week Ago.

 

For The Tenth Pain of Christmas AOL-Yahoo Gave to me:
10 Propositions,
9 Viagra Advertisements,
8 Channels Not Working,
7 Hours With No Mail,
6 Disconnection' s,
5 Frozen PM's,
4 Jerks at Tech Help,
3 Error Messages,
2 Web Crashes,
and A Post From a Week Ago

 

For the Eleventh Pain of Christmas AOL-Yahoo Gave to me:
11 Pieces of Spam
10 Propositions,
9 Viagra Advertisements,
8 Channels Not Working,
7 Hours With No Mail,
6 Disconnection' s,
5 Frozen PM's,
4 Jerks at Tech Help,
3 Error Messages,
2 Web Crashes,
and A Post From a Week Ago.

 

For the Twelfth Pain of Christmas AOL_Yahoo Gave to me:
12 Reasons To Un-Subscribe! !!

"Employee Gift"

 

 

A new pastor, eager to make sure the church's employees would like him, called them together shortly before Christmas Day and told them that each of them would receive a turkey.
"In fact," he added, "as long as I'm around, you will always have a turkey."

 

"Desparate Measures"

 

 

Little Johnny went to his mother demanding a new bicycle. His mother decided that he should take a look at himself and the way he acts. She said, "Well Johnny, it isn't Christmas and we don't have the money to just go out and buy you anything you want. So why don't you write a letter to Jesus and pray for one instead." After his temper tantrum his mother sent him to his room. He finally sat down to write a letter to Jesus.
      
Dear Jesus,       
I've been a good boy this year and would appreciate a new bicycle.      
Your Friend,
Little Johnny
      
Now Little Johnny knew that Jesus really knew what kind of boy he was (Brat).
So, he ripped up the letter and decided to give it another try.
      
Dear Jesus,
I've been an OK boy this year and I want a new bicycle.
Yours Truly,
Little Johnny 
      

Well, Little Johnny knew this wasn't totally honest so he tore it up and tried again.
      
Dear Jesus,
I've thought about being a good boy this year and can I have a new bicycle?

 

Signed,
Little Johnny
      
Well, Little Johnny looked deep down in his heart, which by the way was what his mother was really wanting. He crumpled up the letter and threw it in the trash can and went running outside.    
He aimlessly wandered about; depressed because of the way he treated his parents and really considering his actions. He finally found himself in front of a Catholic Church.
Little Johnny went inside and knelt down, looking around not knowing what he should really do. Little Johnny finally got up and began to walk out the door and was looking at all the statues. All of a sudden he grabbed a small one and ran out the door. He went home hid it under his bed and wrote this letter.
      
Jesus,
I've broken most of the Ten Commandments; shot spit wads in school, tore up my sister's Barbie doll and lots more. I'm desperate. I've got your mama. If you ever want to see her again, give me a bike.
Signed,

 

You know who

 

Have a Blessed Christmas

Dave and Barbara

 

 

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