Quote from Forum Archives on October 17, 2006, 3:20 pm

Posted by: bigguyhereagain <bigguyhereagain@...>

"The Toddler Diet"

  

            

          

You folks with toddlers should relate to this one!

 

Americans are always on the lookout for a new diet. The
trouble with most diets is that you don't get enough to
eat (the starvation diet), or you don't get enough
variation (the liquid diet) or you go broke (the all-meat diet).

 

Well, now there's the new Toddler Miracle Diet! Over the
years you may have noticed, as I have, that most two-year-
olds are trim. It came to me one day over a glass of water
and a carrot that perhaps their diet is the reason. After
consultation with pediatricians, X-ray technicians, and
distraught Moms, I was able to formulate this new diet.

 

Good luck!

 

DAY ONE
Breakfast: One scrambled egg, one piece of toast with grape
jelly. Eat 2 bites of egg, using your fingers; dump the
rest on the floor. Take 1 bite of toast, then smear the
jelly over your face and clothes.

 

Lunch: Four crayons (any color), a handful of potato chips,
and a glass of milk (3 sips only, then spill the rest).

 

Dinner: A dry stick, two pennies and a nickel, 4 sips of
flat Pepsi.

 

Bedtime snack: Toast a piece of bread and toss it on the
kitchen floor.

 

DAY TWO
Breakfast: Pick up stale toast from kitchen floor and eat
it. Drink half bottle of vanilla extract or one vial of
vegetable dye.

 

Lunch: Half a tube of "Pulsating Pink" lipstick and a
handful of Purina Dog Chow (any flavor). One ice cube, if
desired.

 

Afternoon Snack: Lick an all-day sucker until sticky, take
outside, drop in dirt. Retrieve and continue slurping until
it is clean again. Then bring inside and drop on the rug.

 

Dinner: A rock or an uncooked bean, which should be thrust
up your left nostril. Pour grape Kool-Aid over mashed
potatoes; eat with a spoon.

 

DAY THREE
Breakfast: Two pancakes with plenty of syrup, eat one with
fingers, rub in hair. Glass of milk; drink half, stuff other
pancake in glass. After breakfast, pick up yesterday's sucker
from rug, lick off fuzz, and put it on the cushion of your
best chair.

 

Lunch: Three matches, peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Spit
several bites onto the floor. Pour glass of milk on table
and slurp up.

 

Dinner: Dish of ice cream, handful of potato chips, some red
punch.

 

FINAL DAY
Breakfast: A quarter-tube of toothpaste (any flavor), bit of
soap, an olive. Pour a glass of milk over bowl of Cornflakes,
add a half cup of sugar. Once cereal is soggy, drink milk
and feed cereal to dog.

 

Lunch: Eat crumbs off kitchen floor and dining room carpet.
Find that sucker and finish eating it.

 

Dinner: A glass of spaghetti and chocolate milk. Leave meat-
ball on plate. Stick of mascara for dessert.

 

 

"WHAT DOES THE BIBLE HAVE TO SAY ABOUT EATING"

 

     

 

Dear Saints,

 

One central doctrine of the Christian faith that almost all believers agree upon concerns the breaking of bread. We love to eat. Food and fellowship! Does life get any better?

 

With that in mind, I am posting a "scriptural guide to dining" to help folks discern, from God's Word, what the Lord says about food and how to eat it. May you be blessed as you consider the wise counsel of our Lord:

 

1. Don't eat at cheap restaurants - Isaiah 28:8 - For all tables are full of vomit and filth; no place is clean.

 

2. Real Christians don't eat calamari - Deuteronomy 14:3 - You shall not eat any detestable thing.

 

3. Real Christians don't eat sushi - Job 6:7 - My soul refuses to touch them; They are as loathsome food to me.

 

4. The best way to eat oysters - Proverbs 1:12 - Let us swallow them alive like Sheol, and whole, like those who go down to the Pit.

 

5. "Pigs in a blanket" are kosher and fine for eating - Ezekiel 3:1 - Moreover He said to me, "Son of man, eat what you find; eat this scroll, and go, speak to the house of Israel."

 

6. Don't drink milk, it will stunt your growth - Hebrews 5:13 - For everyone who partakes only of milk is unskilled in the word of righteousness, for he is a babe.

 

7. Don't drink only water - 1 Timothy 5:23 - No longer drink only water, but use a little wine for your stomach's sake and your frequent infirmities.

 

8. Don't expect everyone to share your taste in food and be careful when exchanging recipes - 2 Kings 18:27 - ..."Has my master sent me to your master and to you to speak these words, and not to the men who sit on the wall, who will eat and drink their own waste with you?"

 

9. Smorgasbords are the best way to serve food and drink (don't forget to keep the food covered from "sneezers") - Revelation 7:16 "They shall neither hunger anymore nor thirst anymore; the sun shall not strike them, nor any heat;"

 

10. Finally, always keep Gas-X and Rolaids on hand - Jeremiah 4:19 - O my soul, my soul! I am pained in my very heart! My heart makes a noise in me; I cannot hold my peace, Because you have heard, O my soul, The sound of the trumpet, The alarm of war.

 

I hope you have found these biblical references helpful in planning your next dining occasion. I also hope that this guide demonstrates the necessity for learning to interpret scripture properly in its context.

 

Getting hungry?

 

"Are You Sure You Want Kids"

 

 

How To Know Whether or Not You Are Ready to Have Children

 

Mess Test:

Smear peanut butter on the sofa and curtains. Place a fish stick behind the couch and leave it there all summer.

 

Toy Test:

Obtain a 55-gallon box of Legos. (If Legos are not available, you maysubstitute roofing tacks) Have a friend spread them all over the house. Put on a blindfold. Try to walk to the bathroom or kitchen. Do not scream. (This could wake a child at night.)

 

Grocery Store Test:

Borrow one or two small animals (goats are best) and take them with you as you shop at the grocery store. Always keep them in sight and pay for anything they eat or damage.

 

Dressing Test:

Obtain one large, unhappy, live octopus. Stuff into a small net bag, making sure that all arms stay inside.

 

Feeding Test:

Obtain a large plastic milk jug. Fill halfway with water. Suspend from the ceiling with a stout cord. Start the jug swinging. Try to insert spoonfuls of soggy cereal (such as Fruit Loops or Cheerios) into the mouth of the jug, while pretending to be an airplane. Now dump the contents of the jug on the floor.

 

Night Test:

Prepare by obtaining a small cloth bag and fill it with 8 - 12 pounds of sand. Soak it thoroughly in water. At 8:00 PM, begin to waltz and hum with the bag until 9:00 PM. Lay down your bag and set your alarm for 10:00PM.Get up, pick up your bag, and sing every song you have ever heard. Make up about a dozen more and sing these too until 4:00 AM. Set alarm for 5:00 AM. Get up and make breakfast. Keep this up for 5 years. Look cheerful.

 

Physical Test (Women):

Obtain a large beanbag chair and attach it to the front of your clothes. Leave it there for 9 months. Now remove 10 of the beans.

 

Physical Test (Men):

Go to the nearest drug store. Set your wallet on the counter. Ask the clerk to help himself. Now proceed to the nearest food store. Go to the head office and arrange for your paycheck to be directly deposited to the store. Purchase a newspaper. Go home and read it quietly for the last time.

 

Final Assignment:

Find a couple who already has a small child. Lecture them on how they can improve their discipline, patience, tolerance, toilet training, and child's table manners. Suggest many ways they can improve. Emphasize to them that they should never allow their children to run riot. Enjoy this experience. It will be the last time you will have all the answers.

 

Have a Blessed Day

Dave and Barbara

 

  

 

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