The Christian fight is a good fight - really good, truly good, emphatically good. We see only part of it as yet. We see the struggle, but not the end; we see the campaign, but not the reward; we see the cross, but not the crown. We see a few humble, broken-spirited, penitent, praying people, enduring hardships and despised by the world; but we see not the hand of God over them, the face of God smiling on them, the kingdom of glory prepared for them. These things are yet to be revealed. Let us not judge by appearances. There are more good things about the Christian warfare than we see.
J.C. Ryle

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THE YEAR'S BEST [actual] HEADLINES Tuesday

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#1 · July 18, 2005, 12:15 pm

Posted by: bigguyhereagain <bigguyhereagain@...>

"THE YEAR'S BEST [actual] HEADLINES"
 
    
 
Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says
[no, really]?
 
Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
[now that's taking things a bit far]!
 
Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over
[what a guy]!
 
Miners Refuse to Work after Death
[no-good-for-nothin' lazy so-and-sos]!
 
Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
[see if that works any better than a fair trial]!
 
War Dims Hope for Peace
[I can see where it might have that effect!]
 
If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile
[you think]?
 
Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
[who would have thunk it]!
 
Enfield (London) Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide
[they may be on to something]!
 
Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges
[you mean there's something stronger than duct tape]?
 
Man Struck By Lightning Faces Battery Charge
[he probably IS the battery charge]!
 
New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
[weren't they fat enough]?
 
Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft
[That's what he gets for eating those beans!]
 
Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
[Taste like chicken?]
 
Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half
[Chainsaw Massacre all over again!]
 
Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors
[Boy, are they tall!]
 
And the winner is..
 
Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead
Did I read that sign right?
 
In an office: TOILET OUT OF ORDER...... PLEASE USE FLOOR BELOW
 
In a Laundromat: AUTOMATIC WASHING MACHINES: PLEASE REMOVE ALL YOUR CLOTHES WHEN THE LIGHT GOES OUT
 
In a London department store: BARGAIN BASEMENT UPSTAIRS
 
In an office: WOULD THE PERSON WHO TOOK THE STEP LADDER YESTERDAY PLEASE BRING IT BACK OR FURTHER STEPS WILL BE TAKEN
 
In an office: AFTER TEA BREAK STAFF SHOULD EMPTY THE TEAPOT AND STAND UPSIDE DOWN ON THE DRAINING BOARD
 
Outside a secondhand shop: WE EXCHANGE ANYTHING - BICYCLES, WASHING MACHINES, ETC. WHY NOT BRING YOUR WIFE ALONG AND GET A WONDERFUL BARGAIN?
 
Notice in health food shop window: CLOSED DUE TO ILLNESS
 
Spotted in a safari park: ELEPHANTS PLEASE STAY IN YOUR CAR
 
Seen during a conference: FOR ANYONE WHO HAS CHILDREN AND DOESN'T KNOW IT, THERE IS A DAY CARE ON THE 1ST FLOOR
 
Notice in a farmer's field: THE FARMER ALLOWS WALKERS TO CROSS THE FIELD FOR FREE, BUT THE BULL CHARGES.
 
On a repair shop door: WE CAN REPAIR ANYTHING. (PLEASE KNOCK HARD ON THE DOOR - THE BELL DOESN'T WORK)
 
 
"Wal-Mart and Heaven"
 
 
I consider Wal-Mart to be God's gift to shoppers.
Here are the similarities I have noticed between
the kingdom of Heaven and the Kingdom of
Everyday Low Prices.
 
Heaven: St. Peter greets you at the gates
 
Wal-Mart: Some old geezer named Peter greets
you at the automatic doors
 
Heaven: Eternal
 
Wal-Mart: Open 24 hours
 
Heaven: Where old people go when they expire
 
Wal-Mart: Where old people go when they retire
 
Heaven: Plenty of Room for everyone who loves
God
 
Wal-Mart: Plenty of Parking for Everyone
 
Heaven: Golden-haired angels shouting the glory
of God
 
Wal Mart: Purple-haired obese women shouting
for a price check on diapers
 
Heaven: Salvation and redemption no matter what
your sin
 
Wal-Mart: Full money refund on no matter what
your complaint
 
Heaven: motto - EDLP = Every Do-gooder lives
peacefully
 
Wal-Mart: motto - EDLP = Every day low prices
 
Heaven: Sam Walton -- now a resident!
 
Wal-Mart: Sam's choice cola -- now on sale!
 
 
"Tackle Box"
 
 
On my 15th birthday, I opened a package from my mom and
sister.  Out came a beauty case containing samples of my
very own makeup.  "Oh, neat," my dad said excitedly, "a
tackle box!"
 
My mother and sister explained that it was a beauty
kit, not a tackle box.  As I opened it up and showed
everyone the eye shadow, mascara, and rouge, my father
leaned over to my mother and whispered, "I told
you it was a tackle box. Just look at all those lures."
 

 
 
Have a Blessed Day
Dave and Barbara
 
 
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