Top Ten Plans Microsoft Suggested but the DOJ rejected
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Since the announcement of the government's proposal to break Bill Gates's
baby into two separate companies recently, Microsoft has been advancing
remedies that are less draconian than a full breakup. Here is a list of fixes
Microsoft might wish it had proposed.
1. Sticky situation: Place a line of duct tape dividing the
Microsoft campus in two.
2. Half-and-half: Split the company name down the middle, with
a space and a capital S. Micro. Soft.
3. What's in a name? Form two completely independent companies:
one headed by Steve Ballmer, and the other by Steve Ballmer,
Inc.
4. Mano a mano: Microsoft agrees to split up if Larry Ellison
can beat Bill Gates in a game of Microsoft Flight Simulator
2000 running under Windows.
5. Hi, I'm Bill and I'm a monopolist: Microsoft executives
agree to enter a 12-step program called Antitrust Anonymous.
Their heightened self-awareness will lead them to engage in
kinder, gentler business practices.
6. Equitable division: Sure, break into two corporations: one
in charge of that perky animated paper clip, and the other
overseeing operating systems, applications software,
services, and Internet ventures.
7. Moving in: Invite Apple and RedHat to come share the Redmond
campus. Neighbors can be friends.
8. Adopt-a-monopoly: Split up the company, but pair each Baby
Bill with a Baby Bell, to help keep the newly abandoned
child's nose clean.
9. Divest now: Microsoft agrees to sell off rights to 1995's
Microsoft Bob operating system and Windows CE.
10. Couples therapy: The Department of Justice will arrange a
Microsoft meeting at a romantic little caf�, where the
staff will agree to the breakup over dinner but resolve to
stay friends afterward.