Experience is a dangerous ground upon which to test ultimate truth, because our experiences may vary, and our interpretation of an experience, however genuine, may be wrong. Scripture clearly says to “test the spirits, whether they are of God” (1 John 4:1). No human can test spiritual realities without the Word of God.
John Napier

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Top Ten Signs You Are In For A Long Sermon

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#1 · September 21, 2003, 1:12 am

Posted by: bigguyhereagain <bigguyhereagain@...>

 
*** Top Ten Signs You Are In For A Long Sermon ***
 
10. There's a case of bottled water beside the pulpit in a cooler.
 
9. The pews have camper hookups.
 
8. You overhear the pastor telling the sound man to have a few (dozen!) extra tapes on hand to record today's sermon.
 
7. The preacher has brought a snack to the pulpit.
 
6. The preacher breaks for an intermission.
 
5. The bulletins have pizza delivery menus.
 
4. When the preacher asks the deacon to bring in his notes, he rolls in a filing cabinet.
 
3. The choir loft is furnished with La-Z-Boys.
 
2. Instead of taking off his watch and laying it on the pulpit, the preacher turns up a four-foot hour-glass.
 
1. The minister says, "You'll be out in time to watch the Super Bowl" but it's only September!
 
*** Be Careful What You Pray For ***  
 
A man was complaining: Oh Lord, please have mercy on me,
I work so hard, meantime my wife stays at home.
I would give anything if you would grant me one wish,
"switch me into my wife."
She's got it easy at home.
I want to teach her a lesson of how tough a man's life is.
 
As God was listening he felt sorry for this soul and granted his wish.
 
Next morning the "new woman" wakes up at dawn,
makes lunch boxes, prepares breakfast,
wakes up the kids for school,
puts a load of clothes in the washer,
takes the meat out of the freezer,
drives the kids to school,
on his way back stops at the gas station,
cashes a check, pays the electricity and phone bills,
picks up some clothes from the cleaners,
and then quickly goes to the market.
It was 1:00 o'clock already, he made the beds,
took the clothes out of the washer and put another load in.
He vacuumed the house, made some rice,
went to pick up the kids from school,
and had an argument with the kids.
As soon as he got home he fed the kids, washed the dirty dishes,he hung the damp clothes he had washed on the chairs because it was raining outside,
he helped the kids with their homework,
watched some TV while he ironed some clothes,
prepared dinner,he gave the kids a bath and put them to sleep.
At 9:00 o'clock he was so tired and he went to bed.
Of course there was some more duties,
like the mattress mambo,
and somehow he managed to get that done
and finally fell a sleep.
 
The next morning over coffee, he prays to God once again:
"Oh Lord, what was I thinking when I asked you to grant my wish?"
I can't take it anymore.
I beg you please switch me back to myself,
please oh please."
 
Then he heard God's voice speaking to him, saying:
"Dear son, of course I'll switch you back to yourself but
there's one minor detail,
You will have to wait 9 months because last night you got pregnant.
 
*** Reel Fishing Terms ***  
 
CATCH AND RELEASE - A conservation motion that happens
most often right before the local Fish and Game officer pulls over
a boat that has caught over it's limit.
HOOK - (1) A curved piece of metal used to catch fish.
(2) A clever advertisement to entice a fisherman to spend
his live savings on a new rod and reel.
 
(3) The punch administered by said fisherman's wife after
he spends their life savings.
 
LINE - Something you give your co-workers when they ask
on Monday how your fishing went the past weekend.
 
LURE - An object that is semi-enticing to fish, but will drive
an angler into such a frenzy that he will charge his credit card
to the limit before exiting the tackle shop.
 
REEL - A weighted object that causes a rod to sink quickly when
dropped overboard.
 
ROD - An attractively painted length of fiberglass that keeps
an angler from ever getting too close to a fish.
 
SCHOOL - A grouping in which fish are taught to avoid your
$29.99 lures and hold out for spam instead.
 
TACKLE - What your last catch did to you as you reeled him in,
but just before he wrestled free and jumped back overboard.
 
TACKLE BOX - A box shaped alarmingly like your comprehensive
First Aid kit. Only a tackle box contains many sharp objects,
so that when you reach in the wrong box blindly to get
a Band-Aid, you soon find that you need more than one.
 
TEST- (1) The amount of strength a fishing line affords an
angler when fighting fish in a specific weight range.
 
(2) A measure of your creativity in blaming
"that darn line" for once again losing the fish.
 
 
Have a Blessed Day
Dave and Barbara
 
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