Quote from Forum Archives on June 17, 2004, 3:05 pm

Posted by: Bigguyhereagain <Bigguyhereagain@...>

We are dedicating this paper to Father's Day. We want to wish each Father, Grandfather and Step-Father a Happy Father's Day.
Dave and Barbara

 

When God Created Fathers

by Erma Bombeck

 

 

When the good Lord was creating fathers He started with a tall frame.
And a female angel nearby said, "What kind of father is that? If You're
going
to make children so close to the ground, why have You put fathers up so
high? He won't be able to shoot marbles without kneeling, tuck a child
in bed without bending, or even kiss a child without a lot of
stooping."

 

And God smiled and said, "Yes, but if I make him child-size, whom would
children have to look up to?"

 

And when God made a father's hands, they were large and sinewy. And the
angel shook her head sadly and said, "Do You know what You're doing?"
Large hands are clumsy. They can't manage diaper pins, small buttons,
rubber bands on ponytails or even remove splinters caused by baseball
bats."

 

And God smiled and said, "I know, but they're large enough to hold
everything a small boy empties from his pockets at the end of a day ...
yet small enough to cup a child's face in his hands."

 

And then God molded long slim legs and broad shoulders. And the angel
nearby had a heart attack. "Boy, this is the end of the week, all
right," she clucked, " Do You realize You just made a father without a
lap? How is he going to pull a child close to him without the kid
falling between his legs?"

 

And God smiled and said, "A mother needs a lap. A father needs strong
shoulders to pull a sled, balance a boy on a bicycle, or hold a sleepy
head on the way home from the circus."

 

God was in the middle of creating two of the largest feet anyone had
ever seen when the angel could contain herself no longer. "That's not
fair. Do You honestly think those large boats are going to dig out of
bed early in the morning when the baby cries? Or walk through a small
birthday party without crushing at least three of the guests?"

 

And God smiled and said. "They'll work. You'll see. They'll support a
small child who wants to 'ride a horse to Banbury Cross,' or scare off
mice at
the summer cabin, or display shoes that will be a challenge to fill."

 

God worked throughout the night, giving the father few words, but a
firm, authoritative voice; eyes that saw everything, but remained calm
and tolerant.

 

Finally, almost as an afterthought, He added tears.  Then He turned to
the Angel and said, "Now are you satisfied that he can love as much as
a
mother?"

 

The angel shuteth up.

 

 

YOU KNOW YOUR A FATHER WHEN

 

1. You know your a Father when, your famous lasts words are, "Ask your Mother,"
2. It use to be wine, women and song! Now it's kool-aid, Mom and Barney!

 

3. You use to walk to school in three feet of snow, uphill both directions!

 

4. You know what "Honey Do's" are.

 

5. You Favorite Football Team is in the Little Leagues!

 

6. Everything starts with, "Well, when I was a kid,"

 

7. You start sounding like your Father!

 

8. You can't understand how your six year old, turned sixteen over night!

 

9. You can recite the entire McDonald's Menu by heart!

 

10. You look at your childrens sleeping little faces, and tears come to your eyes!

 

 

Fathers then & now

 

Fathers of 1900 didn't have it nearly as good as fathers of today; but they did have a few advantages:

 

In 1900, fathers prayed their children would learn English.
Today, fathers pray their children will speak English.

 

In 1900, a father's horsepower meant his horses.
Today, it's the size of his minivan.

 

In 1900, if a father put a roof over his family's head, he was a success.
Today, it takes a roof, deck, pool, and 4-car garage. And that's just the vacation home.

 

In 1900, a father waited for the doctor to tell him when the baby arrived.
Today, a father must wear a smock, know how to breathe, and make sure film is in the video camera.

 

In 1900, fathers passed on clothing to their sons.
Today, kids wouldn't touch Dad's clothes if they were sliding naked down an icicle.

 

In 1900, fathers could count on children to join the family business.
Today, fathers pray their kids will soon come home from college long enough to teach them how to work the computer and set the VCR.

 

In 1900, fathers pined for old country Romania, Italy, or Russia.
Today, fathers pine for old country Hank Williams.

 

In 1900, a father smoked a pipe.
If he tries that today, he gets sent outside after a lecture on lip cancer.

 

In 1900, fathers shook their children gently and whispered, "Wake up, it's time for school."
Today, kids shake their fathers violently at 4 a.m., shouting: "Wake up, it's time for hockey practice."

 

In 1900, a father came home from work to find his wife and children at the supper table.
Today, a father comes home to a note: "Jimmy's at baseball, Cindy's at gymnastics, I'm at adult-Ed, Pizza in fridge."

 

In 1900, fathers and sons would have heart-to-heart conversations while fishing in a stream.
Today, fathers pluck the headphones off their sons' ears and shout, "WHEN YOU HAVE A MINUTE.."

 

In 1900, a father gave a pencil box for Christmas, and the kid was all smiles.
Today, a father spends $800 at Toys 'R' Us, and the kid screams: "I wanted Sega!"

 

In 1900, if a father had breakfast in bed, it was eggs and bacon and ham and potatoes.
Today, it's Special K, soy milk, dry toast and a lecture on cholesterol.

 

In 1900, a Father's Day gift would be a hand tool.
Today, he'll get a digital organizer.

 

In 1900, fathers said, "A man's home is his castle."
Today, they say, "Welcome to the money pit."

 

In 1900, "a good day at the market" meant Father brought home feed for the horses.
Today, "a good day at the market" means Dad got in early on an IPO.

 

In 1900, a happy meal was when Father shared funny stories around the table.
Today, a happy meal is what Dad buys at McDonald's.

 

In 1900, a father was involved if he spanked the kid now and then.
Today, a father's involved only if he coaches Little League and organizes Boy Scouts and car pools.

 

In 1900, when fathers entered the room, children often rose to attention.
Today, kids glance up and grunt, "Dad, you're invading my space."

 

In 1900, fathers threatened their daughters suiters with shotguns if the girl came home late.
Today, fathers break the ice by saying, "So...how long have you had that earring?"

 

In 1900, fathers pined for the old school, which meant a one-room, red-brick building.
Today, fathers pine for the old school, which means Dr J and Mickey Mantle.

 

In 1900, fathers were never truly appreciated.
In 2004, fathers are never truly appreciated.

 

"Fathers are the geniuses of the house because only a person as intelligent as we could fake such stupidity. Think about your father:  He doesn't know where anything is. You ask him to do something, he messes it up and your mother sends you:  "Go down and see what your father's doing before he blows up the house." He's a genius at work because he doesn't want to do it, and he knows someone will be coming soon to stop him." 

 

 

Happy Father's Day

Dave and Barbara

 

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