Quote from Forum Archives on June 8, 2006, 10:00 pm

Posted by: bigguyhereagain <bigguyhereagain@...>

"Why I Like Retirement"

 

          

 

Question: How many days in a week?
Answer: 6 Saturdays, 1 Sunday

 

Question: When is a retiree's bedtime?
Answer: Three hours after he falls asleep on the couch.

 

Question: How many retirees to change a light bulb?
Answer: Only one, but it might take all day.

 

Question: What's the biggest gripe of retirees?
Answer: There is not enough time to get everything done.

 

Question: Why don't retirees mind being called Seniors?
Answer: The term comes with a 10% percent discount.

 

Question: Among retirees what is considered formal attire?
Answer: Tied shoes.

 

Question: Why do retirees count pennies?
Answer: They are the only ones who have the time.

 

Question: What is the common term for someone who enjoys work and refuses
to retire?
Answer: NUTS !

 

Question: Why are retirees so slow to clean out the basement, attic or
garage?
Answer: They know that as soon as they do, one of their adult kids will
want to store stuff there.

 

Question: What do retirees call a long lunch?
Answer: Normal.

 

Question: What is the best way to describe retirement?
Answers: The never ending Coffee Break.

 

Question: What's the biggest advantage of going back to school as a
retiree?
Answer: If you cut classes, no one calls your parents.

 

Question: Why does a retiree often say he doesn't miss work, but misses the
people he used to work with?
Answer: He is too polite to tell the whole truth.

 

Share this one with all the retirees that you know. I'm sure they can
relate to some of them!
AND, If you have not yet retired, look what you have to look forward
to......

 

 

"A Prayer For Getting Old"

 

           

 

Lord. Thou knowest I am growing older.

 

Keep me from becoming talkative and
possessed from the idea that I must
express myself on every subject.
    
Release me from the craving to straighten
out everyone's affairs.

 

Keep me from the recital of endless detail.
Give me wings to get to the point.

 

Seal my lips when I am inclined
to tell of my aches and pains.

 

They are increasing with the years and
my love to speak of them grows sweeter
as time goes by.

 

Teach me the glorious lesson that
occasionally I may be wrong.

 

Make me thoughtful but not nosey,
helpful but not bossy.

 

With my vast store of wisdom and experience
it does seem a pity not to use it all.

 

But Thou knowest, Lord, that I
want a few friends at the end.
Amen.
Author Unknown

 

 

"Please Be Careful"

 

            

 

This person has found her way into my house and could

 

also get into yours.

 

A very weird thing has happened.

 

 A strange old lady has moved into my

house. I have no idea who she is, where she came from,

or how she got in.   I certainly did not invite her.

 

All I know is that one day she wasn't there,

and the next day she was.

She is a clever old lady and manages to keep out of sight

for the most part, but whenever I pass a mirror I catch a

glimpse of her. And,  whenever I look in the mirror to check my

appearance, there she is hogging the whole thing, completely,

obliterating  my gorgeous face and  body. This is very rude!

 

I have tried screaming at her, but she just screams back.

 

The least she could do is offer to pay part of the rent, but no.

 

Every once in a while, I find a dollar bill stuck in a coat pocket,

or some loose change under a sofa cushion, but it is not nearly enough.

 

I don't want to jump to conclusions, but I think she is stealing money

from me. I go to the ATM and withdraw $100, and a few days later,

it's all gone!

 

I certainly don't spend money THAT fast, so I can only conclude the old

lady is pilfering from me. You'd think she would spent some of that

money to buy wrinkle cream.

 

And money isn't the only thing I think she is stealing. Food seems to

disappear at an alarming rate-especially the good stuff  like ice cream,

cookies and candy. She must have a real sweet tooth, but she'd better

watch it, because she is really packing on the pounds.

 

I suspect she realizes this, and to make herself feel better, she is

tampering with my scale to make me think I am putting on weight too.

 

For an old lady, she is quite childish. She likes to play nasty games,

like going into my closets when I'm not home and

altering my clothes so they don't fit.

 

And she messes with files and papers so I can't find anything.

 

This is particularly annoying since I am extremely

neat and organized.

 

She has found other imaginative ways to annoy me.

She gets into my mail, newspapers and magazines before

 

I do and blurs the print so I can't read it.

 

And she has done something really sinister to the volume controls on my

 

TV, radio and telephone. Now, all I hear are mumbles and whispers.

 

She has done other things - like make my stairs steeper, my vacuum

heavier and all the knobs and faucets harder to turn. She even made my

bed higher so that getting into and out of it is a real challenge.

 

Lately, she has been fooling with my groceries before I put them away,

applying glue to the lids, making it almost impossible for me to open the jars.

 

She has taken the fun out of shopping for clothes. When I try something

on, she stands in front of the dressing room mirror and monopolizes it.

 

She looks totally ridiculous in some of those outfits, plus she keeps me

from seeing how great they look on me.

 

Just when I thought she couldn't get any meaner, she proved me wrong.

 

She came along when I went to get my picture taken for my driver's

license and just as the camera shutter clicked, she jumped in front of

me.

 

 I hope she never finds out where you live.

 I really do!

 

Have a Blessed Weekend

Dave and Barbara

 

        

 

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