Quote from Forum Archives on June 24, 2002, 10:10 pm

Posted by: masinick <masinick@...>

Dear friends,

Here we go, into another week of activity. I wonder how many of us
have already become consumed by the day's activities or what lies in
the week ahead? There's nothing wrong with being busy, but it is
always important to develop our personal relationships, and ESPECIALLY
our personal relationship with God. This is an issue that God has
been dealing with me on specifically in recent days and weeks.

Today, I've chosen a message that Tina Rosario sent me from the New
Life Clinics. They call themselves "The Boys". This week's message
has some suggestions on dealing with critical people - beginning with
OURSELVES! Sounds like something I need. I hope you will take the
time to read the message and pray about ways that you may apply the
suggestions in your daily relationships.

May the God who loves us deeply, gave His life for us, and His
Holy Spirit to us, give each of us the strength for today we need
and the wisdom we need to seek Him first in all things. For
those of us who struggle to make the right choices, I pray that
God will illuminate the darkness of our hearts, and that we will
not continually turn out the light that He shines upon us, in
order that each of us may become people who are truly made in the
image of God.

Your Brother in Christ,
Brian

This Week's Free Tips:
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10 Tips for Coping with Critical People
from the book "High-Maintenance Relationships" by Les Parrott III
To buy this book, click here:
my.newlife.com/cgi-bin/cart/item.pl?item=BK352
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It's difficult to stay objective about Critics. Sometimes we feel
they're needles in a balloon factory. But at the same time, some
Critics can also offer helpful suggestions. The trick is learning to
separate the good from the bad. The following principles can help you
manage your high-maintenance relationships with Critics and learn a
little more about yourself in the process.

1. Face the Critic Within. A team of sociologists interviewed every
resident in a mill town in New England. Among other things, they
learned that each person admitted criticizing other men and women in
the community. But each person was scandalized to learn he or she was
in turn criticized by others. This double standard is universal. We
pass quick opinions on what other people do or say, but we are aghast
to learn we are the butt of somebody else's criticism. So let's face
it. We are all a little critical. Who hasn't nagged someone for
something at some time? What spouse has never used criticism as a
means of persuasion? What parent has never criticized a child's
embarrassing behavior? We are all part Critic, and we will begin to
make progress with Critics only when we come to terms with the Critic
within.

2. Don't Close Your Ears. The greatest temptation in relating to
Critics is tuning them out. Most children, for example, have mastered
this strategy. We psychologists call it 'mommy deafness,' a sudden
temporary inability to hear any request a mother makes. Indeed,
children can notice the tinkle of an ice-cream truck a block away, but
they can't hear their mom right in front of them. You and I do the
same thing. But we are missing something when we completely tune out
what our Critics say. Why? Because sometimes they are right! Our
Critics may know something we don't know. In referring to Critics in
his life, E. Stanley Jones said, 'They are the unpaid watchmen of my
soul.' The best way to keep your ears open is to paraphrase the
complaints your Critics make in order to confirm that you understand
what they are saying to you. Say, 'Let me be sure I've understood
you. You are saying...' Repeat the complaint in your own words, then
ask the Critics for confirmation. Be open to hearing what your
Critics have to say. However, when you perceive that complaints come
from blatantly mean-spirited Critics, who question authority by reflex
and howl out of habit, tune them out. Their criticisms say more about
them than about you.

3. Limit the Criticism You'll Accept. Have you ever let one critical
person keep you from recognizing the strength of the hundred who are
in agreement with you? I have. As a professor, for example, I know
that when a student is critical of my teaching, I can end up focusing
all of my emotional energy on that single student. Nothing could be
worse for me and the other students in the classroom.

I have always admired the way Billy Graham has handled his Critics.
They may say what ever they will, but he does not let their criticism
deter him from his goal of preaching the gospel. I know a business
executive who puts up with his share of criticism, and he finally came
to the conclusion that he would accept criticism only from people who
had something to gain from his success. That's a bit limiting for me,
but we can all benefit from the principle. The apostle Paul certainly
did. He wrote to Timothy about one of his Critics, Alexander the
metalworker, who did him 'a great deal of harm.'

Eventually, Paul concluded, 'I was delivered from the lion's mouth.
The Lord will rescue me from every evil attack and will bring me
safely to his heavenly kingdom' (2 Tim. 4:14, 17-18). If you have a
Critic picking away at the minutiae and keeping you from your primary
task, set your boundaries. Consult a friend who can help you sort the
minor criticisms from the major ones.

4. Tame Your Inner Gremlin. We all have 'soft spots,' areas that are
particularly vulnerable and sensitive. When Critics approach these
areas, we go into red alert. Critics activate our critical voice
within. In his book Taming Your Gremlin, family therapist Richard
Carson seeks to identify that inner narrator who puts us down and
tries to convince us that whatever Critics say is true. Carson calls
that voice our 'gremlin.' So to keep your gremlin from raising its
head, guard your soft spots carefully around Critics. Declare your
soft spots off-limits. Say, 'You may evaluate or critique anything I
do, but don't tell me how to correct the relationship with my sister.
For right now, that is my business, not yours.'

5. Institute a 'Complaint Session." If the chronic complaining from
the Critics in your life upsets you and interferes with your ability
to work or simply relax at home, try setting aside a specific time for
them to vent complaints. When Critics start to whine, say something
like, 'I can tell you're upset. Can we talk about your concerns at
lunch (or 10 minutes after the meeting)'? Then follow through by
giving Critics time to vent their frustrations. Help them to limit
their whining to that time period, and agree on it in advance.

Surprisingly, Critics are usually open to such a strategy. It taps
into their problem-solving mentality and provides a guaranteed forum
in which to be heard. It also protects you from feeling that you
could be bombarded by complaining and critiquing at any moment. So if
it feels right, institute a complaint session with your Critics.

6. Put Things in Perspective. One of the hard parts of living or
working with Critics is that we often care about what they say about
us. To gloss over their comments is to be in denial. We want people
to think good things of us. But we can decrease the impact of the
negative commentary if we put it into perspective. The apostle Paul
declared his own freedom from Critics this way: 'I care very little if
I am judged by you or by any human court' (1 Cor. 4:3). He was
telling some meddlesome Corinthian Christians to get off his back, and
we can learn from his example.

Freely translated, it comes to this: 'What you say and what you think
about me matters to me. But after I have wrestled with my own
conscience, after I have consulted my own convictions, and after I
have made my decisions, your judgement will not matter much. It
matters some, but not much. I will not let the appraisal of critical
people tell me how to feel about what I am and what I do. I will not
rest my case with Critics.'

7. Keep Your Dreams Alive. Perhaps the deadliest poison of criticism
comes when it is aimed toward someone's aspirations. Years ago, the
sister of an innovative college professor suffered from a hearing
deficiency. In the midst of building a device to help her hear
better, he invented an unusual contraption. After many years of trial
and error and eventual success, the professor was ready to take the
device into production. He traveled extensively to gain financial
backing for his dream. But everywhere he went, potential supporters
laughed at his idea that the human voice could be carried along a
wire.

The professor could have allowed his Critics to discourage him. He
could have given up, but he didn't. And nobody laughs at Alexander
Graham Bell today. Don't allow your Critics to snuff out your dreams.
Protect yourself from this folly by associating with people who
support and nurture your ideas. Keep your dreams alive.

8. Understand the Critical Gender Difference. It seems that women get
labeled 'nags' far more often than men do. But according to Deborah
Tannen, author of the best-selling book You Just Don't Understand:
Women and Men in Conversation, that may be due to the different ways
men and women have been raised. Women are brought up to please others
and to equate fulfilling requests with showing love.

Men, on the other hand, equate receiving requests with taking orders,
and they react accordingly: 'Stop telling me what to do!'
Consequently, when a woman's husband fails to do what she has asked,
she feels hurt or puzzled. So she asks again. And again. But each
time she reminds him of her request, he feels more resistant. He
often waits before doing what his wife has requested so that he feels
that he is responding out of his own free will - and not because he's
been told to. So if you are married to a Critic, remember this
fundamental gender difference.

9. Beware of the Critic's Triangle. Some Critics express their
complaining in fairly destructive ways. Instead of criticizing you to
your face, they complain about you to other people, creating a
triangle of three people who become involved in the critical process.
Much like Gossips, these Critics review your performance in front of
your colleagues when you are not present. You can usually detect
these Critics by the remarks they make about others when they are with
you. You may let down your guard because these people make you feel
as if you are one of their dearest confidants. The truth is that you,
along with almost everyone else, are a target of their criticism.
When you are with these kinds of Critics, stay low and move fast.

10. Know Your Toughest Critic...and Accept His Grace. Our ultimate and
toughest critic is someone who knows us only too well: God. He knows
everything. The psalmist says: 'You have examined my heart and know
everything about me. ... You know my every thought. ... You know what
I am going to say before I even say it' (Ps. 139:1-2, 4 TLB). God has
our phone tapped. He knows our motives, our plans, our excuses.

Nietzsche wrote a story about a man who in desperation killed God.
When people asked the man why he had killed God, the man replied, 'He
knew too much.' We cannot escape God's watchful eye. Yet because of
God's grace we do not have to live in fear of him. We can get to know
him and be made free. This was Paul's secret; he knew his Divine
Critic in a way that made him free, for he met God at the cross and
saw that our God judged his own Son in our place. On the cross God's
accusing finger, once pointed at us, was changed into an open hand
outstretched to us. Our Judge became our Savior. Our ultimate Critic
became our Best Friend.

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We have many helpful resources that deal with this issue. To browse
our Online Store, click here:
my.newlife.com/cgi-bin/cart/catalog.pl Or, perhaps you're in
crisis and need to find a Christian counselor in your area. We can
help. Call us, toll-free 24 hours a day, 7 days a week at
1-800-NEW-LIFE and we'll help in any way we can. We hope that you
enjoy the free tips each week. Thank you so much for your support of
New Life Live! and New Life Ministries. May God bless you today.

The Boys

=====
--
Brian Masinick, "The Mas", mailto:masinick@yahoo.com
Home page: www.geocities.com/masinick/

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