Quote from Forum Archives on November 16, 2000, 9:51 am

Posted by: masinick <masinick@...>

Dear friends,

This message is the third part in a series of messages from my
friend Larry Davies about divorce. Interestingly enough, it was
the tragic separation and divorce each of US had to face that
brought us together (and definitely the wonderful grace of God).

My friends, there is no way that divorce is the good path to
take. I can tell you that from personal experience. It hurts,
and it hurts bad. What else can I say? My own personal
weaknesses, and that of my former spouse, were what led to the
tragedies. Was it right? No way! Can we recover? Yes, most
definitely, by returning to the Source of all things.

Like Larry, instead of having people jumping all over me,
criticizing me for my errors in judgement, I was fortunate enough
to have dear friends, who, instead of judging me, encouraged me.
Hey, I KNEW ALL of the things I did wrong! I did not need anyone
to continually remind me of THAT! Satan takes care of that all
to well. He STILL tries to remind me from time to time. There
is no excusing my sin, but there IS God's mercy, His pardon,
recognizing the material I am made of, and offering HIS OWN
provision for me.

That, my friends, is why I love my God more than ever. No, not
as a free license to continue doing wrong... far from it. I
don't EVER want to repeat some of the things that I have done.
Unfortunately, I HAVE repeated many mistakes. It is only by the
grace of God that I EVER escape that kind of tyranny, but the
Good News is that His grace IS available, and I know exactly what
that means, personally.

If you are hurting personally, take hope in this: God is in
control, He loves you, and wants to heal your life, as He did to
Larry and me, and millions of others.

If you know someone who is hurting, please do not ignore them.
Do not pound into them all the things that they have done wrong.
In the overwhelming number of cases, they already know in
excruciating detail every possible thing that they've failed at.
Such people just need someone who cares. That kind of care and
concern is a true healing balm. I know, I've been healed too.

Brother Brian

From: "Sowing Seeds Ministry" <sowseeds@nesbeonline.com>
Subject: "Divorce: When it Strikes Your Pastor - Part 3 -
Answers" Sowing Seeds Devotions

These have been the most difficult devotions, I've ever
attempted. I try my best to be upbeat but some issues must be
faced head on. Did I provide all the answers you need? Sorry,
No! Space is too limited but I tried hard to give reasonable and
Biblical guidelines and how the application of those guidelines
helped me recover from my own divorce. I hope and pray you found
them helpful. I encourage you to write me and let me know what
you think. Thank you for all of your past encouragement. I
could not have written this without you. God bless. Larry

Part 1: Divorce: When it Strikes Your Pastor -
www.sowingseedsoffaith.com/clergy_divorce.ht

Part 2: Divorce: When it Strikes Your Pastor - Letters
www.sowingseedsoffaith.com/clergy_divorce_2.htm

Sowing Seeds of Faith?

Divorce: When it Strikes Your Pastor ? Part 3 - Answers
Larry Davies

For the last two weeks, I?ve described the heartbreak of clergy
divorce. In addition to the excruciating personal pain of a
marital break-up there is also the public humiliation of having
your leadership skills and even your spirituality challenged
before the church and community. Recent statistics show the
divorce rate for clergy has risen to match that of the general
population. It?s a serious problem. What should we do? Nothing?
Ask the pastor to resign? What about the spouse? the children?

The Bible explicitly describes how pastors should treat their
families: ?You must manage your own family well, with children
who respect and obey you. For if you cannot manage your own
household, how can you take care of God?s church?? (1 Timothy
3:4-5) Good question? What should we do?

Offer Love ? Not Silence: Within a few hours after my wife of
fifteen years walked out, I was surrounded by friends, church
members, other pastors and relatives. No one knew what to say
but it didn?t matter. They quietly brought food and offered
reassurance that I was loved. Their gestures touched me in ways
I still cherish. A neighbor came over late one night and sat
quietly while I talked and cried and rambled and even cursed. He
lovingly allowed me the opportunity to be angry? to say stupid
things? to be human? to release years of pent-up frustration? to
grieve. Thank you my friend!

This sounds so simple but hundreds of divorced people said the
only response they received from friends and even from their
church was? silence: no phone calls, no food, no compassionate
listening ear? just numbing cold silence. Why? There is a fear
of what to say: A fear of taking sides between two fighting
friends. But for those experiencing divorce the silence is
interpreted as rejection. It hurts!

Investigate Quickly and Respond Openly: Within days, I met with
three ministerial supervisors to investigate the circumstances
involved in my potential divorce. For two hours they questioned
and prodded and offered possible options for saving my marriage.
They concluded I was doing all that could be done and even if it
ended in divorce I should learn from my experience and continue
my role as minister of the church. A committee at church soon
agreed: A needed boost to my self-esteem.

A quick and responsible investigation is vital for the pastor as
well as the church. For a minister it could mean the difference
between growing stronger or leaving the ministry in disgrace.
For the church it could mean the difference between being in
compassionate ministry to a fallen leader or becoming involved in
a disastrous church split. An investigation clears the air and
squelches gossip.

What if the pastor is guilty of adultery, abuse or forcing the
divorce? This also needs to be handled quickly and openly.
Without revealing details, church officials can help the pastor
face the consequences of his or her wrongdoing. An attitude of
love and forgiveness from the congregation is important but a
minister should resign or at least take a leave of absence for
the sake of the church.

Because most ministers live in church owned housing: What happens
to the spouse and the children? In the midst of the dilemma
surrounding the pastor, their physical and emotional needs are
often ignored. It is so important that authorities and church
members remember and reach out to them.

Look for Signs of Growth: Over the next few months, I was
encouraged to seek out others facing similar difficulties.
Eventually we formed a divorce support group and began meeting
twice a month. We all needed a chance to talk freely in the
company of those who understood the unique problems of separation
and divorce. One session would be about anger, then a Bible
study on divorce or possibly a discussion on how to raise
children as single parents. I soon began writing about those
experiences.

As I became involved in helping the divorced renew their
relationship with God, my faith strengthened. ?God comforts us in
all our troubles so that we can comfort others.? (2 Cor. 1:4) The
love, patience and gentle guidance given by a church family
enabled my recovery and helped me discover a new ministry. Does
this mean I make it easier for other couples to get a divorce?
Absolutely not! Divorce is a horrible tragedy and a sin to the
sacredness of marriage. Yet it was in the midst of my sin that I
discovered God?s truly amazing grace. As a renewed Christian and
pastor, I am ever thankful.

<www.sowingseedsoffaith.com> More Than 3,400 Subscribers
& Growing

=====
--
Brian Masinick, "The Mas", mailto:masinick@yahoo.com
Home page: www.geocities.com/masinick/
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