Your Tax Forms Explained
Posted by: <@...>
Enclosed is your 1999/2000 United States Internal Revenue service
Tax Form 1040-ES OCR "Estimated Tax For Self-Employed Individuals."
You may use this form to estimate your 1999 fiscal year tax if:
1. You are the head of a household and the sum of your spouse and
dependents, minus the ages of qualifying pets (see Schedule 12G), is
divisible by a whole number. (Use Supplementary Schedule 142C if pets
are deceased but buried on your property)
2. Your Gross Adjusted Income does not exceed your Adjusted Gross
Income (except where applicable) and you did not pay taxable interest
on dividend income prior to 1903
3. You are not claiming a foreign tax credit, except as a "foreign"
tax credit. (Warning: claiming for a foreign tax credit for a
foreign "tax" credit, except where a foreign "tax credit" is involved,
may result in a fine of $125,000 and 25 years imprisonment)
4. You are not one of the following: married and filing jointly;
married and not filing jointly; not married and not filing jointly;
jointed but not filing; other.
INSTRUCTIONS
Type out all answers in ink with a number two lead pencil. Do not
cross anything out. Do not use abbreviations or ditto marks. Do not
mis-spell "miscellaneous". Write your name, address and social
security number, and the name, address and social security number of
your spouse and dependents, in full on each page twice. Do not put a
tick in a box marked "cross" or a cross in a box marked "tick" unless
it is your wish to do the whole thing again. Do not write "Search Me"
in any blank spaces. Do not make anything up.
Complete sections 47 to 52 first then proceed to even-numbered
sections and complete in reverse order. Do not use this form if your
total pensions and annuities disbursements were greater than your
advanced earned income credits or vice versa.
Under "income", list all wages, salaries, net foreign source taxable
income, royalties, tips, gratuities, taxable interest, capital gains,
air miles, and money found down the back of the sofa.
If your earnings are derived wholly, or partially but not primarily,
or wholly and partially but not primarily from countries other than
the United States (if uncertain, see USIA Leaflet 212W, "Countries
That Are Not The United States") or your rotated gross income from
Schedule H was greater than your earned income credit on non-taxable
net disbursements, you must include a Grantor/Transferor Waiver
Voucher. Failure to do so may result in a fine of $1,500,000 and
seizure of a child.
Under Section 890f, list total farm income (if none give details). If
you were born after January 1, 1897, and are not a widow(er), include
excess casualty losses and provide carryover figures for depreciation
on line 27iii. You must list number of turkeys slaughtered for
export. Subtract, but do not deduct, net gross dividends from pro rata
interest payments, multiply by the total number of steps in your home
and enter on line 356d.
On Schedule F1001, line c, list the contents of your garage. Include
all electrical and non-electrical items on Schedule 295D but do not
include any electrical or non-electrical items not listed on
Supplementary Form 243d.
Under "Personal Expenditures", itemize all cash expenditures of more
than one dollar and include verification. If you have had dental work
and you are not claiming a refund on the federal oil spill allowance,
enter your shoe sizes since birth and enclose specimen shoes (Right
foot only) Multiply by 1.5 or 1,319, whichever is larger, and divide
line 3f by 3d. Under Section 912g, enter federal income support
grants for the production of alfalfa, barley (but not sorghum, unless
for home consumption) and okra whether or not you received any.
Failure to do so may result in a fine on $3,750,000 and death by
lethal injection.
If your children are dependent but not living at home, or living at
home but not dependent, or dependent and living at home but hardly
ever there and you are not claiming exemption for losses of maritime
vessels in excess of 12,000 tonnes deadweight (15,000 tonnes if you
are military personnel based in Canada) you must complete and include
a Maritime Vessel Exemption Form. Failure to do so may result in a
fine of $111,000,000 and a nuclear attack on a small, neutral country.
On Pages 924 through 926, Schedule D, enter the names of people you
know personally who are Communist or use drugs (Use extra pages if
necessary).
If you have interest earnings from savings accounts, securities,
bearer bonds, certificates of deposit or other fiduciary instruments,
but do not know your hat size, complete Supplementary Schedules 112d
and 112f and enclose with all relevant tables. (Do not send chairs at
this time.) Include, but do not collate, ongoing losses from mining
investments, commodities transactions and organ transplants, divide by
the number of motel visits you made in 1996, and enter in any
remaining spaces. If you have unreimbursed employee expenses, tough.
To compute your estimated tax, add lines 27 through 964, deduct lines
45a and 699f from Schedule 2F (if greater or less than 2.2% of average
alternative estimated tax for the last five years), multiply by the
number of RPMs your car registers when stuck on ice, and add 2. If
line 997 is smaller than line 998, start again. In the space marked
"Tax Due", write a very large figure.
Make your check payable to "Internal Revenue Service Of The United
States Of America And To The Republic For Which It Stands, One Nation,
Under God With Liberty And Justice For All" and mark for the attention
of Connie. On the back of your check write your social security
number, Taxpayer Identification Number, IRS Tax Code Audit Number(s),
IRS Regional Office Sub-Unit Zone Number (unless you are filing a t/45
Sub-Unit Zone Exclusion Notice), gender and smoking preference and send to:
Internal Revenue Service Of The United States Of America
Tax Reception And Orientation Center
Building D
Annex G78
Suite 900
Subduction Zone 12
Box 132677-02
Drawer 2, About Halfway Back
Federal City
Maryland 10001
If you have any questions about filing, or require assistance with
your return, phone 1-800-BUSY-SIGNAL. Thank you and have a
prosperous 2000. Failure to do so may result in a fine of $125,000
and a long walk to the cooler.