Help-My Son is Gay Help-My Son is Gay!
By Chris MacKenzie
I was devastated to find out about Damon’s sexual involvementwith other men. I began to pray, but I had little hope that he wouldever change.
In 1980 my oldest son, Damon, moved to Florida from our familyhome in Rockford, Ill. His father and I had been divorced a number ofyears, and Damon was going there to help his Dad start a restaurantbusiness. Damon and I had always been close, so it was difficult tosee him go, but I knew he had to live his own life.
He had dated in high school and had been fairly serious with agirl until the threat of pregnancy had turned her family against him.He was forbidden to see her after that incident by the girl’s father.Maybe that’s one of the reasons he left, I thought. He’s trying toforget his “lost love.” Little did I know the real reason.
Damon had been gone a few months when I received a letter. It waslong, about six pages. “I found someone that I care deeply about,” hewrote, “and I’m in a relationship that is completely fulfilling.” AsI read further, my stomach lurched and I could hardly swallow as Iread Damon’s confession that this “relationship” involved anotherman. “I have had these strong feelings of attraction to men for aslong as I can remember,” he said, “and I’ve always tried to hidethem.”
Damon let me know that he didn’t want to hurt me, but he was”coming out of the closet” and was going to live his life as hebelieved God meant him to. He didn’t understand why he was born thatway, but he was tired of fighting it.
“I hope that you can understand and eventually accept my way oflife,” he wrote. He said that he loved me and, if I loved him, Iwould have to find a way to deal with this reality. After all, hereasoned, a person’s sexual orientation didn’t change who they wereinside, right?
I was completely devastated. I screamed, I ranted, I cried-all tomy poor husband, Royal. “How could this have happened?” I cried.”Damon was good-looking and popular. He could have had any girl hewanted! Why on earth would he want a man?” I didn’t have any answers.I felt like I was bleeding deep inside, and there was no way to stopthe gaping wound in my soul.
Did this mean I would never see Damon married with a family? WouldI have to endure holidays and family dinners with some limp-wristedman looking adoringly at Damon? I felt nauseated at the thoughts thatwhirled through my mind.
And what about the rest of the family? I had younger children wholooked up to Damon. Would he influence them to become gay, too?
I also wondered how Darren, Damon’s twin brother, would take thisnews. The thought made me shudder. I knew how opinionated Darren wason this subject. I had heard him often speak out against “queers.”How was I going to handle this wisely?
We had always gone to church, so I knew exactly what their standwas on homosexuality. It was a sin-black and white, no gray areas.Such unnatural practices were wrong.
I needed time to digest this crisis and figure out the best way tocope with it. So, for the time being, I said nothing. Damon’s letterwas a well-kept secret between my husband and myself (Royal didn’tseem that upset by this news; he thought it might be “a phase” thatDamon would eventually outgrow).
As time went on, the family did find out. In a weak moment, oneday when I was terribly depressed, I told my sister and mother. “Nomatter what he’s done,” Mom responded, “we love him and always will.”Darren, on the other hand, reacted with bitterness. For a long time,he refused to even speak to Damon. Damon’s father just said, “Well, Icould have told you that was going to happen. You always did babyhim.” I was furious! I really needed to hear that right now, I fumed.
Finally I came to the conclusion that if I wanted any kind ofnormal relationship with Damon, I was going to have to accept thisnews. Not necessarily condone it, but learn to live with it, and seepast the “gay” label to the real person. It wasn’t easy, but the factthat Damon was living in another state was a mixed blessing. While Imissed him, he wasn’t right under my nose. He continued to call meregularly, sharing details of his life at school and work. He wasmore loving and respectful than ever, which made me realize that hewas still my same sweet son-except for this new knowledge I had abouthis sexual preferences.
My youngest son, Alex, and I went to visit Damon in Dallas, wherehe was living at the time. I was hesitant about taking Alex, but hehad a hero-worship of Damon and begged to go. We would be stayingwith Damon and his current love interest. This was going to be a realtest. I prayed they wouldn’t act “funny,” as Alex had no idea thathis older brother was gay.
This visit was a turning point for me. Both Damon and his friendwere perfect gentlemen and treated us with love and respect. I feltrelief and the old love surged strongly in me. I sensed arestlessness in Damon, as though he was still searching for somethinghe had not yet attained.
Soon after my visit, I became good friends with our new pastor’swife, Sharon, and also became more involved with the church. Istarted teaching Sunday School and began experiencing a deeperrelationship with God. I recommitted my life to Christ and startedtrying to live for Him.
Eventually I confided to Sharon about Damon. She gave me neededsympathy and a good shoulder to cry on. She never condemned Damon,but suggested that we put his name on our ongoing prayer list. I hadprayed for Damon in the past, but not with a deep conviction thathomosexuals could change. I believed the phrase, “Once gay, alwaysgay”; I’d never heard anything to the contrary.
We started to pray for Damon to be healed of his homosexuality. Wealso prayed for God’s healing in my own heart and life. I releasedthe whole situation to the Lord. “It’s too much of a burden for me tocarry around,” I prayed. “God, I need You to do Your work. My ownefforts have been useless.”
By this time, the risk of AIDS was increasing and I worried aboutthis threat to Damon’s health. Damon had assured me that he had beentested and was negative, and that he was careful in hisrelationships. I had to be content with that reassurance.
In 1991, Damon came home. During one of our talks, he confidedthat the fulfillment and happiness that he sought with other men justwasn’t there anymore. He was emotionally drained and seriouslyconsidering getting some help for exiting the gay lifestyle. I wasstunned and overjoyed! He had been in different relationships for 12years. Could he just give it up? Was this an answer to myprayers-finally?
Damon told me about a Christian group called Exodus International,a network of ministries worldwide which are dedicated to helping menand women emerge from homosexuality through the power of JesusChrist. He was going to a conference in Toronto, Canada, in a fewweeks to check it out. I was thrilled, but also scared. Suppose itdidn’t work? By then, I was convinced this had to be an answer toprayer. Not only that, if Damon could be healed, it would be amiracle!
When Damon came back from the Exodus International conference, Icould see an excitement, a new softness and a love for God thatwasn’t there before. He had a hunger of godly things. He hadrecommitted his life to Christ and made a vow of celibacy. I praisedGod for His goodness and mercy.
In 1992, I went with Damon to San Diego, California, for theannual Exodus conference. It was thrilling to see so many broken menand women re-establishing normal lives through God’s grace and love.They were learning restoration through forgiveness. Torn lives werebeing mended, not in an instant, but as a process which occurred oneday at a time.
At the conference, we learned about the residential men’s programat Love In Action. Damon applied and was accepted. This year-longprogram involves men living together under the direction of a houseleader. The men must be accountable while working on such issues asparental relationships, forgiving others who may have harmed orabused them, and relating normally to men and women. Most of all, themen submit themselves completely to Christ and let God do His healingwork in them.
The men learn that homosexuality is not something a person is bornwith. It’s an emotional deficit that begins early in life. Thenatural bonding with one or both parents is lacking, causing a childto grow up seeking same-sex affirmation through sexual acts.
It was difficult for me to face my own contributions to Damon’sproblems. Homosexuality in men often occurs in a family where thereis a strong mother figure and a weak or absent father figure. Ineeded to face some of my own problems, even though I consideredmyself a good mother. I could see some of the damage inflicted,though unintentional. For example, Damon’s father and I had a bitterdivorce. I was a real mess, and relied on Damon to be “the man” ofthe house. Damon got to the point where he hated his Dad and I wasglad because that meant he loved me more. Of course, now I can seehow my behavior inflicted damage on Damon. I have confessed my sinsto God and asked Damon’s forgiveness.
Then came another devastating blow. During the Exodus week, Damonhad enough courage to tell me that he was infected with the HIVvirus. That was probably the hardest thing I’ve ever had to face. Myheart felt torn into a thousand pieces. My son is dying! I thought asI cried on his shoulder. Then came feelings of anger. How could dothis? You knew AIDS was out there. Why didn’t you stop when you hadthat first test and it came back negative?
I was very confused. It was helpful to talk with Anita Worthen,another mother, that week at Exodus and get her perspective on mysituation. What a lifesaver she was!
Since then, I’ve had times when I’ve been on an emotional roller-coaster. Sometimes I want to bring Damon back to Illinois so I can”mother” him, but I realize that’s regressing back to old patterns.
I know that my precious son is in good hands. My great-est joy isknowing that when we both die, we will be to-gether for eternity. Myprayer has been answered that the prodigal son has returned to servehis Father for as long as He wills it.
Homosexuality is a not a hopeless condition. There is restorationand forgiveness and healing through Jesus Christ. Today, Damon iswise beyond his years. I rejoice to see his growth and also his lovefor God. Most of all, I’m grateful to our loving Father, the One wholifted both of us from the depths of despair.
Chris MacKenzie and her family live in Rockford, Ill. Herson, Damon, graduated the 1994 LIA leadership training program.Copyright © 1994 by Chris MacKenzie. Distributed by Love InAction, PO Box 753307 , Memphis, TN 38175-3307.