Husbands Love Your Wives HUSBANDS LOVE YOUR WIVES by Ken Smith Let me begin by saying that, as a former single, I am very sensitive to
the needs of singles and I try to direct my articles to the entire Body of Christ. Nevertheless, sometimes there are things unique to the marriage relationship that need to be addressed. Therefore, I would encourage those of you who are single to read this article with an eye toward becoming the person God wants you to be if He does bless you with a mate.
Although this article is addressed to Christian husbands, I am quite sure that it will be read with a good deal of interest by their Christian wives. I would encourage those of you in the latter category to let the article speak to your husband with no assistance from you. It’s one thing for your husband to read the article and hear from God. It’s quite another for your husband to read the article and hear from you about what Ken Smith has to say about what God says. Obviously, the better you relationship is, the less circumspect you need to be.
LOVE IS A DECISION, NOT AN EMOTION
And now let’s address the subject at hand. How can we men be the kind of husbands God wants us to be to our wives? First, I believe each of us need to understand that love is a decision, not an emotion. Love is something we must decide to do, not something we should wait to feel like doing. Its most comprehensive definition is found in I Corinthians, chapter 13, where we find that love is patient and kind. It does not envy or boast. It is not proud, rude, self-seeking or easily angered. Love keeps no record of wrongs. It does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. Love always protects, trusts, hopes, and perseveres.
LOVING OUR WIVES IS NOT OPTIONAL
The second thing we need to recognize is that loving our wives is not optional. In Ephesians 5:25 we are commanded to love them. Conscious failure to do so is sin. Although preachers and theologians spend much time and fill many books defining love, each of us husbands has a pretty good idea of whether or not we are loving our wives as Christ loved the church. If you intentionally and consciously have failed to love your wife as you should, you can be sure that many of the other things that are out of balance in your life can be traced to this decision. For sin (conscious disobedience) carries with it many predicable consequences, as well as some that are not so predictable. The answer to sin is acknowledgement of it, confession, repentance, and where appropriate, restitution. If you wish to improve your relationship with God, improve your relationship with your wife and watch things begin to happen.
You may say, “That’s just great for you to say, Ken, but you’re not married to my wife.” My response is: if you wife is not so lovable, what made her that way? When you married her, something motivated you to make that commitment. Whether or not it was love then, it is within your power not to determine that from this point forward you will love her. As you make that decision and begin to act on it, I can assure you that God will bless your obedience. The chances are very good that He will also bless your wife, and as she discovers that you are really serious (which may take a while), she might also turn out to be a person you never suspected existed. You are not responsible for her loving you. You are only responsible for loving her. Conduct yourself in a fashion pleasing to God and see if He doesn’t reward you through your wife.
HUSBANDS MUST LEARN TO BE SUBMITTED
Another important lesson for husbands to learn is submission. Scripture tells us that wives should submit to their husbands. I believe that it’s just as important for husbands to submit to their wives. Rather than making unilateral decisions as the “head of the wife,” husbands must recognize that God’s best involves decision making by consensus between husband and wife. There will be times when you and your wife are not in agreement and a decision needs to be made. That is the point at which the wife needs to accede to the husband’s position as her head. I suspect, however, that the more we engage in decision making by consensus with our wives, the fewer instances there will be of actual disagreement.
How let’s turn to some of the practical aspects of loving our wives. It’s a good idea to begin by ascertaining what kind of a relationship you actually have with your wife. Let me use the example of a couple I counseled about their finances last year. On the surface they gave the impression that they had a pretty good relationship but were simply overburdened by their financial problems. During the course of our counseling session, however, I asked each of them to rate their marriage. On a scale of zero to ten, she gave it a zero. He gave it a two. I suggested that they apply some of the techniques that I am about to suggest to you and that they come back in six weeks. When they returned, I asked them the same question. This time the husband gave their relationship a six, and she was up to a two. Actually, her body language convinced me that their relationship had improved well beyond a two, but she wasn’t sure it wasn’t just another flash in the pan. She was reserving judgment on their relationship until she saw enough progress over a long enough period of time to be willing to relax her defense.
As I’ve shared with some of you in a prior article, I ask Pat that same question years ago, fully expecting at least an eight. She gave me a two. I was underwhelmed, to say the least. After discussing with her those things I could do to raise my two to an eight, I conscientiously applied myself to the task and, within a relatively short time, had earned an eight. I then asked her what if would take to get to ten. That’s where the rubber really met the road. It took real diligence on my part and considerable longer to get my ten. In fact, she began to measure my progress in fractions. But get it I did. (Since then, I have just assumed that I have a ten!)
What are the techniques I suggested to that couple? Absolutely the most important thing you can do to improve your relationship with you wife is be sure that your relationship with God is on sound footing. To do this, you must spend quality time with God on an on-going, regular basis. Begin with at least fifteen minutes per day and set a goal of working toward one hour per day. During this time you can read your Bible, pray and give God an opportunity to be part of your thinking process.
PRAY WITH YOUR WIFE
Another thing that holds great potential for success is praying together with your wife. If she is unwilling to pray in front of you, perhaps she would be willing to join you while you pray aloud. If your relationship is so off-track that she will not even listen to you pray, then I would encourage you to immediately increase your regular daily time with God. Ask Him to move her to that point in her relationship with Him that she will pray with you. Establish a regular time each day to pray together and give that time the highest priority. Take whatever steps are necessary to prevent interruption including, if necessary, taking the phone off the hook and instructing children that you are not to be disturbed. If you have very small ones, you may need to pray together while they are asleep. During this prayer time you will find that you are willing to tell God things about yourself and about your relationship with your wife that you have been unable to tell her directly. As she listens to your conversation with the Lord, she will become much more open to discussing things with Him in front of you. This process can be very reinforcing. In a relatively short period of time, you will find yourselves talking to each other through God in a way you never imagined possible. Just set aside five or ten minutes to begin this process and see where God takes you.
DECIDE HOW YOU CAN PLEASE HER
Next, determine some of the things you need to do to please your wife. then make a list and begin to do them. Better yet, let her make the list. Establish a regular time each day or each week that you will work on her priorities. As she sees your best intentions translating into action, you’ll begin to see a much more lovable mate than you might otherwise ever have imagined.
A forth important technique is to get your finances straight. Sit down with your wife and establish a budget. If you don’t know how to do that, come to one of our seminars in the Washington DC area or contact Christian Financial Concepts in Dahlonega, Georgia (404/864-4570). If the seminar is not enough, come on in for personal counseling. Generally speaking, a wife’s freedom from anxiety is directly proportional to the state of the family’s finances.
Establish predictability in your relationship. Schedule certain things to happen at certain times and be faithful to observe the schedule. At least one family meal should be scheduled daily with all family members in attendance. Each family member should have a regular time to go to bed and a regular time to get up. One of the biggest myths encountered in the husband-wife relationship is that both spouses need to go to bed at the same time. While there’s certainly nothing wrong with that if both are in agreement, you should not insist that your wife go to bed when you do. In fact, you’ll find increasing freedom in your relationship if you will give her the freedom to determine her own bedtime and rising time.
SPEND QUALITY TIME TOGETHER
Spend quality time with your wife and on a regular basis. Ask her how much of your time she wishes to have and give that a priority second only to your time with God. If you think she’s being unreasonable, come to one of our Time Management seminars. I’ll be glad to referee.
It’s extremely important to your wife that she be able to rely on what you have told her. Therefore, be reliable. Commit yourself to following through on what you have promised. When you fail, go to you wife and ask her to forgive you. Unless you are habitually unreliable she will, and asking for forgiveness will do worlds for your relationship.
Be thoughtful. Telephone her once each day just to let her know you’re thinking of her. Flowers are almost universally appreciated by wives, and they don’t have to be expensive.
You and your wife may wish to go on a retreat together. There are a number of Christian retreats and conferences which are designed specifically to strengthen marriages. One that Pat and I have benefited from throughout our marriage is the Family Life Conference headed by Dennis Rainey of Campus Crusade for Christ. Their next conference in the Washington DC area will be 15-17 April at the McLean Hilton Hotel. For this year’s conference schedule in other cities, write. Family Life Ministry, P.O. Box 23840, Little Rock, Arkansas 72221-3840.
WIVES PRAY FOR YOU HUSBANDS
In conclusion, a brief word to the wives: pray for your husband. As you identify areas in his life that need the assistance of the Holy Spirit, don’t make the mistake of doing God’s work for Him. You may need to limit your efforts to prayer and rejoice as God answers them. You may also need to concentrate on the characteristics of love identified earlier in this article, particulary patience. Concentrate on the positive aspects of your relationship with your husband and rejoice as those areas increase. Husbands, see what you can do between now and Valentine’s Day to get it together.
Reprinted from Christian Stewardship Ministries’ newsletter GLAD TITHINGS, Fairfax, VA. FEB 88, Volume 7, No. 2
Christian Stewardship Ministries’, The Mosby, Suite A-100, 10560 Main St., Fairfax, VA 22030 (703/591-5000)
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