In Search of Freedom In Search of Freedom
By Jack Morlan
I left my marriage and plunged into the gay lifestyle. I wasfinally free! …Or was I? It was several months after I’d left mywife that my father confronted me when I went home to visit.
“Son, I want to know what the problem is,”he said. “What happenedwith your marriage?”
“Dad, you had better sit down,” I told him, “because you are notgoing to understand this. I don’t even understand it.” I paused andlooked at him. “Dad, I am a homosexual.”
He turned white and then started to cry. “What did your Mother andI do to bring this about?” he sobbed.
“Dad, it wasn’t anything you did. I don’t know what happened tome.”
We talked a long time. “I know it’s going to take you awhile toaccept this,” I finally told him, “and I also know that you won’twant me to come home again. I accept that and will deal with thismyself.”
Then Mom came home and I left. I watched them at the door, as Dadcried and Mom just held him. She did not yet know what had takenplace. I cried all the way home, knowing I would never see my parentsagain.
My family grew up in the fifties on a farm in southern Iowa. Mylife was tranquil until the age of seven, when a cousin and someneighborhood boys started playing a “secret game” with me. I becamethe victim of sexual abuse.
These activities happened only occasionally at first but, by agenine, they were occurring two or three times a week.
The abuse continued throughout my teen years. I became verylonely, confused and hurt. It seemed that the only way I coulddevelop a relationship with a man was to allow him to sexually useme.
Sadly enough, I felt I could not tell my parents. My cousin andneighbor boys all attended the same school and church as I did.Although my family had heard of Jesus Christ, none of us had apersonal relationship with Him.
I first heard the word “homosexual” at college, and realized thatthe word meant me. Seeking help from counselors didn’t help. “Acceptit,” they told me. “You were born this way, and there is nothing youcan do to change.”
But I didn’t want to accept it. Maybe being married will changethings, I thought, and so I found a nice young woman. Our marriagewas a disaster.
After four years, I realized that I could no longer deny myhomosexuality or continue to ruin another person’s life. We divorcedand I quit school. I literally ran away and no one knew where I was.
Several months passed, and then I received a telephone call. Itwas my dad. He had tracked me down and wanted me to come home. Healso wanted to know what was happening in my life. I finally wenthome on Thanksgiving weekend. All my family was there. Later in theday when Mom and my sisters had gone for a ride, Dad confronted me. Itold him about my homosexuality and then left.
I’ll never see my parents again, I thought. Soon I was deep intothe gay lifestyle. I’m going to develop my life totally for me. Moneyand power became my gods, and I did anything to get them.
I went to cosmetology school, working full time during the day andattending classes at night. I was determined to be someone. Then, tomy surprise, I received a letter from my folks.
“Son, I do not understand what caused this situation with you,” mydad wrote, “but I want you to know that I love you because you are myflesh. You are my flesh and your mother’s and we want to help you.Come talk to us anytime. We love you.”
My father’s words touched me deeply. Today I know that my parent’sunconditional love is what brought me through and kept me from thefinal break with God.
Mom and Dad began to seek a deeper relationship with Jesus Christ.They changed churches and found a dedicated group of believers topray for me. They continued to reach out in love to me and myhomosexual partner, Thom. In spite of my nasty attitude and myconstant manipulation, they continued to show me love.
I did not really want my parents’ help. By now, I was gainingpower in the gay social circles. I had formed a partnership in a hairsalon. I was even a big part of the “normal” people’s society! Ithought I had it made, when actually Satan had me so bound.
I thought power and money were the most important things in theworld, and I manipulated other people any way possible to get them.Once I got what I wanted from someone, I’d dump them like trash.
From my perspective, things were going well. I had a lover, andwas co-partner in a good business. For ten years I lived like this,interlocked in real estate, finances and insurance. Then came somechanges. My roommate grew dissatisfied with our relationship, and Iknew he was ready to move out. One day I flew to Phoenix to drive aclient’s car back to Des Moines, knowing when I got home there wouldbe a confrontation with Thom. I schemed the whole way home,determined not to let him go.
As I drove home, I noticed billboard signs reading, “Jesus Saves”and “Jesus is the Answer.” And, although I planned to stop at severalbars on the way home, I couldn’t find a single place the entire drivehome. Unknown to me, the Lord was beginning to answer my parents’prayers. After I arrived home, Thom announced that he was leaving.”I’m going home to tell my folks the truth about us,” he said. “Theyare going to tell us we need Jesus,”
“Well, maybe we do!” I retorted, then added: “But if I do, I willdo it my way.” Inside, I was desperate. I’ll pray to Jesus, Ithought, if that will keep Thom here with me! I sat down and startedpraying: “Lord, if You are who You say You are, and You are aspowerful as people say You are, then I want you to do something in mylife tonight. I want you to come down here and set me free from allthe bondage that I am in.”
“I do not want You to leave one thing in me,” I added, “because ifYou do, I will fail.” I also remembered from my childhood in churchto ask, “Lord, come into my life and change me now.” Suddenly I feltlike a ton of bricks hit me and knocked me off the chair. As I lay onthe floor, a hot bubbling sensation started at the tip of my toes andworked its way all the way up my body to the top of my head.
In my mind, I could see black chains breaking. God was shatteringthe bondages that Satan had wrapped around me! Afterward, I felt sohappy and so relieved. Finally I turned to my roommate and said thatI was going upstairs to lie down. “I think you need this Jesus also,”I told him. After I had laid down for a while, I heard a horrendousscream from downstairs. “What’s wrong?” I yelled, running downstairs.”I accepted Christ, too,” Thom said, “and I’ve been set free!”
“Thank you, Lord!” I said, grinning. We were both so excited.Already we could feel a new, different love between us, a brotherlylove through Christ.
I telephoned my parents. Dad cried when he heard what hadhappened. “This is the call we have been witing for!” he said. He andMom immediately prayed for us on the telephone.
The next day I went to work at the salon, determined to saynothing. My first client came in and looked at me. “What’s wrong withyou?”
“Nothing,” I replied.
“No, there is something different about you. You are not the sameJack I saw last week. There is a glow around you and a peace on yourface.”
“There is?” I asked, looking into the mirror. I couldn’t seeanything different.
My client continued to badger me until I finally told her that Ihad accepted Jesus Christ into my heart. All day long, the same thinghappened. “There’s something different about you,” clients kepttelling me.
Finally the last customer of the day came in, a lady who had beenwitnessing to me for ten years. “Cathy, I have something to tellyou,” I said as soon as she got in my chair. Then I paused, studyingher face. “But you look so sad. First tell me what’s wrong.”
“No,” she said, “tell me your news first!” So I shared aboutreceiving Jesus, and she started crying.
“Jack, I couldn’t stand coming in here any longer,” she told me.”I was going to tell you that my whole family would no longer becoming here. I felt God didn’t hear my prayers on your behalf. Now Iknow God answers prayer.” What a joyful appointment we had that day!That joy has never left and today, Cathy and her family are closer tome than ever.
My walk with Jesus Christ began in 1980, and God led me one stepat a time. First, He took me out of my business partnership and setme up in my own salon. I knew my income could not cover the expenses,but in the first month, the Lord doubled my earnings. I knew that aslong as I gave Him control of my life, He would keep blessing me.
Then God brought a beautiful Christian woman into my life. Atfirst, I thought she was too strong-willed and aggressive for me. Butthe Lord knew just the partner I would need to break through theemotional barriers I had built up for twenty years. Paula and I weremarried in 1981. During the past eight years of marriage, Paula’sstrength and determination have so many times brought healing to me,giving us a solid foundation on which to build our lives.
We have both struggled with deep things from our past, but God hasalways been there to provide wisdom and strength. Today, our marriageis powerful, packed with godly love and discernment.
God had given us two beautiful sons to raise for His glory. Welook at these two miracle children and praise Him for their freshinnocence, beauty and explosive joy.
Even though I was a small town farm boy, sexually abused anddriven to the homosexual movement, I can now stand up and say thereis a living God who truly sets us free. That’s what He has done forme.
Jack Morlan is founder/director of Freedom Ministries in DesMoines, Iowa. He and his wife, Paula, have two sons, Jason andZachary. Distributed by Love in Action, P.O. Box 753307, Memphis, TN38175-3307; 901/542-0250