To whatever we look for any good thing and for refuge in every need, that is what is meant by “god.” To have a god is nothing else than to trust and believe in him from the heart… To whatever you give your heart and entrust your being, that, I say, is really your god.
Martin Luther

In Search Of Mr Right

In Search Of Mr Right

In Search Of “Mr. Right”

What are gay men looking for in a man?

I have asked this question of many gay men in many situations, and the answers have been surprisingly similar.

“What were you looking for when you first entered a homosexual relationship with a man? Their answers?

% Strength, usually emotional
% Security
% Acceptance
% Understanding, sensitivity
% Comfort
% Friendship, companionship
% Identity, sense of completeness

Another surprising thing about their answers was the absence of a particular word — sex. It appears as if most men were attempting to meet relational needs, and sex was incorporated only as a way of meeting other needs.

A Matter Of Needs.

You can see from the list above that gay men enter relationships with other men to try to meet certain basic needs. They could be boiled down to two major human needs — the need for a sense of identity (value, significance, competence, self-worth) and the need for love (security, affection, friendship, companionship).

It is interesting, too, that while all men have both needs, some men work harder on meeting the need for a sense of unconditional love and security, while others strive desperately to establish a sense of identity and selfworth.

Still, it all boils down to need. These are not homosexual needs, per se, but human needs. All humans have these needs, and all people work on getting these needs met, one way or another. God created us with these needs, so there is nothing wrong with having them, or in trying to fulfil them. The questions is, “What will really fulfil these basic human needs?”

The Big Difference.

Although there has been a great dissemination of information on the topic of homosexuality lately, it is surprising how few people recognize the difference between homosexual orientation and homosexual behaviour. Even some gay men squash the two together, thinking that there is no difference between what they are and what they do.

This lack of understanding is reflected in the common thought that many gay men have about God. The thinking goes something like this:

% God hates homosexuality.
% I am a homosexual.
% Therefore, God hates me.

Most men would understand that this is patently false, but this response is usually more emotional than intellectual. Unfortunately, some Christians have given gay men this idea through their rejection of homosexuals. Fortunately, the love of God is not determined by the actions of people. God loves homosexuals, regardless of what some Christians think or do.

There is a difference, though, between orientation and behaviour. A person cannot control his orientation (and resultant desires), since he did not choose to have the orientation. But the man can choose whether or not he will engage in homosexual activities, since that activity is under the direct control of his will.

God Knows What He’s Doing.

God loves us. Most people won’t argue with that. But when people hear how God has commanded us to live, some people have their doubts about God’s goodness. Why has God forbidden us to engage in certain activities? Does He arbitrarily declare some actions good and others evil? Why has God forbidden participation in homosexual behaviour?

If you ask a psychologist or psychiatrist if stealing, lying, murder, and adultery are beneficial activities for a human being, almost every one will tell you that a person harms himself when he does these things. It is simply not healthful for a person to do whatever he pleases.

Because God loves us, He has told us which behaviour will benefit us and which will hurt us. God is not arbitrary in His commands. He only forbids our doing what will damage us. If you look closely at the commandments of God, you will see that God has only instructed us to do those things that are for our well-being, and forbidden those activities that will destroy us.

So, if God has forbidden any kind of sexual activity, it is because He loves us and knows that that behaviour will harm us. We may not understand why it is harmful to us, but the infinite, personal, loving Governor of the universe knows what He is doing, and if He says an activity is harmful, we had best accept His assessment of the situation. God is not being a killjoy. He has only commanded us not to do what will destroy us.

This is why God says “No”.

Is God Playing Favourites.

Some gay men think that God is picking on them and being unfair when He forbids homosexual activity. But God is not being partial in His treatment of gays. What God has forbidden in the areas of fantasy, lust, or fornication, He forbids for all people, heterosexually or homosexually oriented.

If a heterosexually-oriented man commits fornication with a woman, he cannot use his orientation or desires as an excuse for his behaviour. He cannot say, “Well, you see, I just had to jump into bed with her, because I’m heterosexual.” The same would apply to the homosexually-oriented man.

So, what God has forbidden for one, He has forbidden for all. He is not playing favourites. He is not just picking on gays.

What About My Needs?

“If God loves me, but has forbidden involvement in homosexual activity, just how am I supposed to get my needs met? Am I supposed to go without my need for love met for the rest of my life just so I can know and obey God? That doesn’t sound like a very good trade off.”

The answer to this question has two major parts:

  1. The needs for love, identify, self-worth, security, etc. are basic human needs, not just homosexual needs. All people have these needs, and since God created us with these needs, He also provided a way to meet these needs — in a relationship with Him. We were never intended to get our basic needs met in a relationship with a human being, whether man or woman. God wants to meet these needs, and He is well able to do so. The reason most people live with unmet needs is because they do not know God, and they are not allowing Him to meet their needs. God is able to meet our needs, but He will not force Himself on anyone.
  2. Many gay men assume that they could never be happy in a heterosexual relationship. This assumption presupposes either that there is no God, or that God is not able to fulfil the needs of His creatures. Many homosexually-oriented Christian men testify that it is possible to have a fulfilling heterosexual marriage with God’s help. This certainly does not mean that their lives are problem free, but they are at least having their basic needs met within the scope of God’s commandments.

Some homosexually-oriented Christian men opt to remain single, but that is a matter of individual choice. Either way, the point is that God can meet a person’s needs, and it is not necessary to engage in activity that God has forbidden to try to get our needs met.

Getting Started

The first step in getting your basic needs met is to establish a relationship with God.

We have all rebelled against God and deserve to be separated from Him. But God, in His great love for us, became a man in Jesus Christ, died for us as a sacrifice for our sins, rose from the dead, and provided a way to restore the relationship with God we were originally intended to have. You can have this gift of relationship with God (what the Bible calls “eternal life”), if you meet these conditions:

  1. Acknowledge that you have rebelled against God. (“All have sinned and fall short of the glory of God.” Romans 3:23).
  2. Turn away from your lifestyle of selfishness. (“Repent for the forgiveness of your sins.” Acts 2:38).
  3. Commit yourself to living the way God commands you to live — loving God, and loving others as yourself. (“Love the Lord your God, and love your neighbour as yourself.” Mark 12:30,31).
  4. Ask God’s forgiveness for your sins. (“If we confess our sins, He is faithful and just to forgive us our sins.” 1 John 1:9).
  5. Take your hands off your own life and allow Jesus to be your master. (“If you confess with your mouth that Jesus is Lord, and believe in your heart that God raised Him from the dead, you will be saved.” Romans 10:9,10).

What You’ve Been Looking For

After you’ve given your life to God, and become His child, He can meet your basic needs for:

% Strength — He will be your Rock and Strength in time of trouble (Psalm 18:1-3).
% Security — He loves you unconditionally, will never forsake you, and will provide for you (John 3:16; Hebrews 13:5; Matthew 6:25-34). % Acceptance — You will be completely accepted by God (Romans 15:7). % Comfort — God is the “God of all comfort” to His children (II Corinthians 1:3).
% Companionship — Jesus calls His children His friends (John 15:13-15). % Completeness — You will be complete in Him (Colossians 2:10).

Jesus is your “Mr Right” and through Him you can find what you’ve been looking for in life.

For further information about homosexuality or about other areas of sexual brokenness, please contact:

LOVE IN ACTION
G.P.O. Box 1115
ADELAIDE SA 5001
Phone (08) 371-0446

This article is reprinted by permission from:

Michael R. Saia
Pilgrim Tapes
P. O. Box 296
Sunland, California, 91040
U.S.A.