See how red your guilt is. Mark the scarlet stain. If you were to wash your soul in the Atlantic Ocean, you might incarnadine every wave that washes all its shores, and yet the crimson spots of your transgression would still remain. But plunge into the “fountain filled with blood, drawn from Immanuel’s veins,” and in an instant you are whiter than snow. Every speck, spot, and stain of sin is gone, and gone forever.
C.H. Spurgeon

Journey Out of Homosexuality

Journey Out of Homosexuality Journey Out of Homosexuality

By John Smid

 

Leaving a gay relationship was just the first step in findingreal freedom from my past.

“John, you don’t have to live this way any longer,” a voice saidto me one night in 1982. Little did I know that such a simplestatement during a church service would have a life-changing effecton me.

I had already come to acknowledge that Jesus was my Savior andthat the Bible was exciting to read, but still my life was completelytied to the homosexual lifestyle. The words I heard that night werenot audible, but they were absolutely clear to me. God had just givenme the hope I needed to face two of the most difficult years of mylife.

Those next two years were filled with relational bankruptcy andlost hope. By this time in my life, I was quite aware of my salvationbut did not really understand what God had to say abouthomosexuality. I thought that a homosexual relationship with anotherChristian would work, but no matter how hard I tried, I still had adeep emptiness in my heart that no man could fill. I was fearing themost dreaded thing of all: being alone.

On Valentine’s week in 1984, I made one of the hardest decisionsof my life. Instead of red roses and romance, I began moving awayfrom a three-year relationship. The true Lover of my soul was askingme to make a choice. I could either choose to go to a Christiansingles’ retreat weekend which was quite threatening to my lover, orcontinue in the patterns of relational and sexual addiction.

A new church that I had found offered something I had never seenbefore. For the first time in my life, I was relating to men whoseemed to be loving, sensitive, physically and emotionally affirming,all in a non- sexual context. The singles’ retreat offered somethingfor me that I had looked for all my life: A social environment withothers my age that was reflective of my Christian faith. I had beenraised in a Catholic home where my father was clearly sold out to Godbut I could not seem to find a place for myself where I felt I reallybelonged. I gave up “religion” when I married my first wife, thinkingI could now make it on my own.

How would I fit in at the retreat? I wondered anxiously. Fear ofall fears, I have to share a hotel room with three other guys. Whatif they knew that I was coming away from a homosexual relationship?During my first night in a double bed with one of them, I felt like amummy wrapped up in a bundle of insecurities. I did not sleep a winkfor fear that I might bump into him in my sleep.

But God was incredibly gracious with me that weekend. I had neverexperienced so much encouragement and excitement without the guilt ofsin in my life. However, after the retreat, things got a little rockyand I felt compelled to call my old lover again. As I had done manytimes in the past, I manipulated him into coming over to my house.Then I fell into my old pattern and we had a sexual encounter thatnight.

What would I do now? I had just violated my new life. How would mynew pastors respond if I told them about my struggles withhomosexuality? I made an appointment with Dennis, the singles’pastor. Sitting in his office I told him the whole truth withoutmincing any words. I was testing him with my story.

Pastor Dennis looked at me with compassion and made one statementthat still stands out to me. “John, you’re right. Homosexuality iswrong.” He read a biblical passage from Romans, then told me he’dstand beside me and work with me to help me see my way clear of thissin. There was no judgment, no fear, just commitment. That was all Ineeded at the time. I wanted so much to be accepted in this strangeand mysterious world of “straight” men. His words felt likelife-giving water to my parched, thirsty soul.

After that conversation with Dennis, I never fell into homosexualacts again. Within a few weeks, I found a small group of churchfriends who loved me and wanted me in their lives. Finally I hadfound the place of belonging I wanted. Clark, Debbie, Dawna, Georgeand others quickly became my life-support system. I told them aboutmy homosexuality and they were stunned at first. But they all stoodwith me just like my pastor. No one rejected me due to my struggles.

God knew I needed a purpose for being in the singles’ group so Heinspired my pastor to ask me to serve the ministry by leading theweekly singles’ meetings. After that I became involved as thecoordinator of the entire Thursday night ministry. God was giving mea purpose. I had value and gifts and others could gain from myexperience.

My friend Clark became a vessel God used to bring about atremendous amount of healing. We would spend one night each week justtalking. Clark was committed to me; he was not afraid of my past orcurrent struggles. He would confide in me about his own past. Clarkcould talk about anything. He was confident in his masculinity so myhomosexual issues did not threaten him.

Hour after hour, God would soak me with relationships. George andI spent time together. George was interested in knowing me. He wouldask questions and dig into my life, causing me to process my feelingsand thoughts that had built up over the years.

Debbie, Dawna, and other women were my sisters in the Lord. Theyliked me and wanted me around. I was not ridiculed or teased like Ihad earlier in my life. This little group of friends became a sourceof healing for me.

All was not perfect. I would still go to church and get angry,feeling that I could not seek prayer at the altar for my homosexualdesires. I would not dare to talk about this subject up front. Idon’t know where that feeling came from, because I had never beenrejected by anyone in our church over this issue. But for somereason, the enemy had a stronghold on my desire to seek prayer overthis issue with people in the church who were unknown to me.

Although I had now attained sexual abstinence, I realized that Idid not look forward to a life of celibacy. I wanted to find aspecial person with whom I could spend my life. I wanted to trymarriage again, this time the right way. God was now in my life toshow me how and what to do to live out my vision of life-longcompanionship. A godly marriage was a hope for my future.

After dating several women, one gal began paying special attentionto me. Vileen would come to my house to watch me mow the lawn. Howromantic! I finally saw her “mating call” and began to get to knewher better. I invited her to spend an evening with me and my twogirls (from my first marriage). It went very well and so did ourfirst months of dating. We were growing very close.

All of a sudden, bam! An emotionally-paralyzing wall droppedbetween us. Oh, boy, not again, I thought. I’m hurting someone allover again. I didn’t expect this as a Christian. I thought my lifewas all right now. I told Vileen that I needed help. I had a barrierthat scared me and was causing me to shut down with her.

Meanwhile, I met another man who confessed his homosexualstruggle. He was not in victory but stumbling often. What would Itell him? I had no answers, other than my own experience. I had nowbeen free from same-sex immorality for almost two years, but did notknow anyone else who had come from this background. I had not heardone testimony of freedom from homosexuality.

I finally found out about ex-gay ministries through the nationalradio show, “Focus on the Family.” I wrote to Love In Action, seekingadvice on what to tell this other man. They responded with aninvitation to come to their ministry and serve in their live-inprogram. I saw this as God’s direct answer to my unspoken desires anddreams. I could find out more about my barriers with Vileen and getsome answers for other men needing help. I was so excited, as I hadbeen praying for a full- time ministry since becoming a Christian.God was so faithful to give me a place in His kingdom where I couldbe of value.

During my season with Love In Action, the road has been nothingbut uphill. I have realized the real roots of my struggle, brokendown many fears and anxieties about life, and gotten married toVileen.

Marriage. What a whole new project with the Lord! Upon gettingmarried in 1988, I found another chapter of healing that I needed toread. Being in such a close relationship with a woman brought up allmy opposite-sex issues. I had pretty much resolved my same-sex issuesbut these other issues were not something I expected.

“Misogyny.” What was that? I found out very quickly that it meant”a fear or hatred of women.” The hurts, rejections, and difficultiesof past relationships with women came to a head with my new wife.Soon I realized that I was feeling a deep anger toward her that Ididn’t understand. My critical heart toward her was unfounded inanything she had done. She was kind, considerate, loving. She reallywas not doing anything wrong to merit my response. Where was all thiscoming from?

At a conference for healing past hurts, I found anger and pain inme stemming from my experiences as a two-year-old child. At that age,I spent one year away from my parents due to some family struggles.As a little child I felt so much hate and pain because I perceivedthat I had been abandoned by my parents. My new home was loving andcaring, but where were my mom and dad? My deep anger began a life ofdisappointments with relationships, especially those involving women.

After so much “spiritual surgery” in the area of same-sex issues,God was finally able to get down to this deeper root. My wife and Irealized where my anger originated.

Healing from the causes of homosexuality takes time. A relationaldifficulty needs a relational solution. The people God has used in mylife are too numerous to count. Success, failure, disappointments areall part of the necessary struggles to find a deeper resolution of myhomosexual struggles.

Where am I today? I have a loving, committed marriage. I have arestored relationship with my parents. I feel of great value to theLord and to His work. I have a sense of belonging, personhood andrelationship with others. I am not totally healed from homosexuality.It is part of my emotional, physical and spiritual history. It willnot be erased as though it did not exist. I still struggle at times,envying a guy who is better looking than I am. I still shut down withmy wife at times. I periodically have sexual thoughts regarding men.

What is victory? In my opinion, victory is being able to partakeof the fruit of the land that God offers in obedience to His Word. Ino longer see homosexuality as an option or desire for my life. Iwant nothing to do with it. I embrace my God-given relationships toomuch to destroy them. I embrace my wife and marriage too much to loseit to some momentary empty pleasure. I have developed a cherishedrelationship with God that I want nothing to destroy.

There is hope, victory, and true love in Christ. *

John Smid has been director of Love In Action since 1990.Copyright © 1994 by John Smid. Distributed by Love In Action, POBox 753307, Memphis, TN 38175-3307

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