In our first paradise in Eden there was a way to go out but no way to go in again. But as for the heavenly paradise, there is a way to go in, but not way to go out.
Richard Baxter

Judith Collins

Judith Collins

Judith Collins

I write this testimony to the glory of God for His changing power and grace, available to all when we call our sin, SIN. I pray those who claim to be homosexuals, and those who don’t, but actually are, will examine their hearts before the living God as they read this, and turn from their sins.

DECEIVED!

I lusted after women, but one in particular. I idolized this woman, focused my entire life around her, and participated in sexual acts with her. I wanted to ‘marry’ her, to ‘live happily ever after’ with her – I was in love.

All this time I was involved with her, [4 years], we both claimed to be Christians, teaching Bible studies, leading people to the Lord, and abstaining from the ways of the world. We compared our relationship to that of Jonathan and David’s in the book of 1 Samuel, rationalizing our sin through distorting the very Word of God.

Jeremiah 17:9 claims that ‘the heart is deceitful above all things and beyond cure’. My heart was deceived. I thought I’d found true godly love, mutual love, when actually my heart had replaced my first love in Jesus, whom I’d found a few years before my relationship began with this sister in the Lord.I was deceived into thinking my sin wasn’t ‘that bad’. I thought the sexual acts were the only impurities in the relationship, but God reveals the heart. I didn’t see how I was hurting God, and fooling myself, by calling an impure relationship, pure. Isaiah, the prophet, puts it like this: ‘Woe to those who call evil good and good evil, who put darkness for light and light for darkness, who put bitter for sweet and sweet for bitter.’ [5:20] God despised my whole heart as I rationalized and whitewashed my sin and perversion. I didn’t fear God – I only wanted one thing – my relationship with her.

RATIONALIZING SIN

Let me make this clear: I had read God’s Word, I knew about Sodom and Gomorrah, [Genesis 19], and many passages on sexual immorality and impurity. I had knowledge that I was involved in sin – I knew the truth of God’s Word, but it didn’t phase me; I continued to sin. I rationalized my sin, not admitting to homosexuality. I wasn’t in the ‘gay scene’, didn’t go to gay bars, and wasn’t having sexual relations with many women – just one. One way I rationalized my sin was by claiming it was love, love that didn’t stem from selfish motives. But God said to me from His Word

‘If we deliberately keep on sinning after we have received the knowledge of the truth, no sacrifice for sins is left, but only a fearful expectation of judgment and of raging fire that will consume the enemies of God.’ [Hebrews 10:26-27]

POWERLESS

My heart was hardened by my sin. But God, through His love and faithfulness, kept me miserable to lead me to repentance, [Romans 2:4]. I had no desire to let go of my immoral relationship. I had no power to change my heart. I couldn’t imagine living without her. I knew I had no power within my sinful self to stop my physical contact with her. So, what was I to do? Did I choose eternal life, and freedom from sin, or a guilt-ridden life with her on earth and eternity in hell? We all must choose between our sin or God’s ways – we do everyday.

Well, I chose, and I chose God. He didn’t just show me how sinful I was and leave me helpless. Romans 5:6 says, ‘You see, at just the right time, when were were still POWERLESS, Christ died for the ungodly.’ Jesus Christ gets the victory over my sin- He gave His life for it. Jesus says, ‘apart from me you can do nothing’, and oh how true that is. As I said before, I had no power, but Jesus did. No one has any power within themselves to conquer any sin. Only by His Spirit within me could He take me by the hand and lead me out of my perversion into a life of freedom and victory. He took my sin, cleansed me deeply in my heart, {not just outwardly}, and gave me power over lustful thoughts and schemes, sexual desires and idolizing a created individual rather than the Creator, [Romans 1:15]. He was merciful in not letting me continue in sin because I wanted to be freed. The sacrifices of God are a broken spirit, a broken and contrite heart. [Psalm 51:17] He had to first, soften my hard heart. Then He had to give me the faith in Him, that He could accomplish changing my desires. God demands holiness from His children, but only His righteousness and His power can make us holy. He must do it all, for we are weak, helpless, sinful and wicked people. The Lord says, ‘My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.’ [2 Cor.12:9] God’s demands for holiness are clearly put forth in His Word; ‘It is God’s will that you should be holy; that you should AVOID SEXUAL IMMORALITY; that each of you should learn to control his own body in a way that is holy and honorable, not in PASSIOIONATE LUST like the heathen, who do not know God; and that in this matter no one should wrong his brother, [or sister] or take advantage of him. The Lord will punish men for all such sins, as we have already told you and warned you. For God did not call us to be impure, but to live a holy life. Therefore, he who rejects this instruction does not reject man but God, who gives you His Holy Spirit.’ [1 Thessalonians 4:3-8]

WHAT NOW?

You may wonder about continual victory over my homosexual sin-will I be drawn back into it? Very truthfully, during God’s cleansing process and discipline to remove me from my sin, I have been tempted with other women. Jesus also was tempted – in every way, [which by the way includes homosexuality], yet was without sin. He sympathizes with my weaknesses. [Hebrews 4:15]. Jesus also combated temptation with God’s holy scriptures, and I must do the same to overcome. ‘No temptation has seized you except what is common to man. And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so you can stand up under it.’ [1 Cor. 10:13]

CONCLUSION

All I can say is, God’s power is sufficient for me, and only by His grace will I remain pure. God’s truth sums up this entire testimony, and what a firm foundation to stand on: ‘Do not be deceived: Neither the SEXUALLY IMMORAL nor idolaters nor adulterers nor male prostitutes nor HOMOSEXUAL OFFENDERS, nor thieves nor the greedy nor drunkards nor slanderers nor swindlers will inherit the kingdom of God. And that is what some of you were. But you were washed, you were sanctified, you were justified in the name of the Lord Jesus Christ and by the Spirit of our God.’

1 Corinthians 6:9-11. Praise God for His mercy. He is the Great Physician who can heal anything.

A WORD TO THE CHURCH

I speak to the church also. Neither one of us, my companion or I, should have been allowed to remain in the church during the 4 years of our sexual immorality. According to 1 Corinthians 5:11-13, the one in the church claiming to be a brother or sister, but also being sexually immoral is to be expelled from the church, and not even eaten with. Of course, you must be in a body of believers that brings all deeds of darkness into the His marvelous light before this can be lived. I praise the Lord that by His grace He led me to a body of believers who confess sins and walk in the light of Jesus, so my hidden sin was revealed. But how many churches are hiding sin, not challenging it in each others lives? Only God knows how many homosexual relationships are going on between sisters in the Lord, or brothers in the Lord. Oh, how Jesus wants a pure bride to return to–will He find one? Where are the shepherds who watch closely over their sheep? Hebrews 3:13 says, ‘See to it brothers, that none of you has a sinful, unbelieving heart that turns away from the living God. But encourage one another daily, as long as it is called Today, so that none of you may be hardened by sin’s deceitfulness.’ By this passage, I am in no way trying to blame my sin on the church – I allowed my heart to become hard. I mention this passage to challenge and rebuke the church to confront sin as Jesus did, and call sin, SIN. For those shepherds of God’s sheep, if they do not wake up, they will indeed have a very heavy price to pay on judgment day! Let us all Repent!

With Praise for His Powerful Grace, Judith Collins