Man in the Mirror - We Love God!

Man in the Mirror Man in the Mirror

By Sinclair “Sy” Rogers

Imagine–me married! Only three years before my wedding day, Iwas transsexual. At least that’s what my psychiatrist called it.

I was sexually molested at age three by a “friend” of the family.The molestation left me deeply confused and imprinted with apowerful, perverted knowledge of sexuality.

At only five years old, I’d lost the two most importantingredients in forming a healthy and secure identity, my mother andfather. My mother was killed in an auto accident. I was sent to livewith relatives while my father pieced together a new life forhimself. In my little-boy mind, I perceived that my dad had abandonedme.

My dad remarried when I was 11. My parents and I had a stablerelationship until my adolescence, when my already-damaged sexualitybegan to awaken. I lived a typical double life: active in church,school and Boy Scouts. I even attained the rank of Eagle Scout. Iplayed football and went out for track and the swim team. But allthis failed to make me “man enough.”

During a summer as an exchange student in Brazil, I noticed thatBrazilian people seemed more tolerant of homosexuality thanAmericans…more accepting of me. It was at this time that I embracedmy inner desires. I told myself, “I’m attracted to other guys, andeveryone else seems so certain that I’m gay. So I guess that’s what Ireally am.”

Shortly after my return to the U.S., I joined the military.Stationed in Hawaii, I totally immersed myself in Honolulu’s gayscene. But behind the facade of acceptance and the promise of love, Isaw many unhappy, cynical, and desperate people in the gay lifestyle.Couples who claimed to be in love often wondered, “How long will itlast this time?”

In the spring of 1977, I completed my military obligation. A fewmonths later, I received a letter from a “married” gay couple inHawaii. They told me that they had turned from their homosexuallifestyles. They said that I could find the truth about homosexualityfor myself in the Bible. “What traitors,” I thought.

About this time I began attending a small college, where I becamethe focal point of intense prejudice. Though there were someChristians on campus who tried to reach out to me, they usuallytalked “at me” about sin. The rejection I experienced during thistime was almost more than I could bear. Extremely depressed, I leftcollege after two tortuous semesters.

Following this crisis, I concluded that my only chance at findinglove, acceptance and an end to my inner pain would be to shed myfailed male identity. In January of 1978 I began a psychiatricevaluation process. My therapist officially diagnosed me as atranssexual eligible for sex reassignment surgery.

A second specialist referred me to the John Hopkins Hospital inBaltimore, MD. – a hospital well known at that time for sex-changesurgery. I would have to undergo continued therapy and live as afemale for at least two years before I could undergo surgery. Still,I was considered a good “reassignment candidate.”

There is a way that seems right to a man, but the end leads todeath… (Prov. 14:12)

Staring into the mirror, I saw that I had become the embodiment ofa lie. Outwardly, I had been living as a woman for a year and a half.Achieving much-desired acceptance in my role as a woman, I waspopular in gay circles. Yet in spite of my “success,” I wasincreasingly unhappy. I gradually realized the operation could onlychange my “packaging.” It wouldn’t change me.

One evening, the song “Jesus Loves Me” and other Sunday Schoolsongs unexpectedly flooded my mind. As the words to these simplesongs played in my head, I remembered being taught as a child thatJesus knew me and loved me.

But that was before I was a homosexual. That was before I hadfailed as a man. But could He possibly love me now? Oddly, His lovebegan to matter very much to me. Through tears I earnestly prayed,”God, please show me what to do. I’m so confused. If You don’t wantme to pursue this sex change, then show me. I’ll do what You want.”

You will seek Me and find Me, when you search for Me with all yourheart. (Jer. 29:13)

Three days later, I heard a news report on that would change mylife: John Hopkins announced they would no longer be performing sexreassignment surgery!

But I was still confused. If God didn’t want me to be a woman, Hemust want me to be a man! “But how?” I complained to God. “I don’tknow if I can!” I was afraid of an unknown future as a man. But inspite of my fears, I felt irresistibly drawn to God.

During a move that fall, I came across an old, neglected Bible andbegan “sneak reading” it. Though I was still living as a woman, theHoly Spirit was making inroads into my life.

Knowing that I was approaching a crossroad in my life, I threwaway my female hormones and stopped buying women’s clothes. AsChristmas approached, I began packing away all of my dresses. Then Ipurchased a few items of men’s clothing.

One night I dropped to the floor clutching my chest. I couldn’tbreathe right and was beginning to black out. Terrified, I cried outto God, begging Him to spare me. “Please don’t take me like this!” Ipleaded with Him. “Let me live to know You first.”

The crushing pain in my chest began to subside. Shaken, I saw mydesperate need to get right with God. But how? I turned to the Bible,knowing I’d find the answer there.

“Come now, and let us reason together,” says the Lord. “Thoughyour sins are as scarlet, they will be as white as snow; though theyare red like crimson, they will be like wool. If you consent andobey, you will eat the best of the land; but if you refuse and rebel,you will be devoured by the sword. Truly, the mouth of the Lord hasspoken.” (Isaiah 1:18-20)

As I read this scripture, bitterness, guilt, and shame poured outof me. I admitted my failure and guilt before God as I cried out toHim, “God, I cannot change what I am, but I’m willing to be changed.I know You have the power. Make me the man You want me to be!”

As I placed my life into His hands, there was immediate evidenceof my spiritual regeneration – the power of immorality was broken! Icould (and even wanted to) resist compulsions that had alwaysenslaved me. I wasn’t sure what had happened to me, but I feltconfident that God would help me begin living a decidedly differentlife.

There were some rough times following my conversion. Seeking toestablish myself in fellowship, I found that some people had a hardtime relating to me. Though I dressed in men’s clothing and had shorthair, the residual effeminate mannerisms, high voice, and all theresults of female hormones caused many people to mistake me for agirl. At first I was crushed with humiliation, but I was determinedto live for God.

I also experienced times of sexual temptation that alarmed andfrustrated me. “If I’m still having sexual urges and temptations,” Ireasoned, “then nothing has really changed.” My mistaken andunrealistic expectation was that God would just “zap” me into instantheterosexuality. However, in reading the Bible I learned thattemptation was to be expected as part of life – but my identitywasn’t defined by my struggle.

Perhaps my greatest discovery at this time was that I didn’t haveto “pretend” to be free and straight, and I didn’t have to fight myweaknesses by myself. I could be honest and cry out, “I am weak -help me, Lord!” By His grace I withstood those difficult months oftransition.

During the summer of 1980 I joined a church where I was warmlyaccepted. For the first time, I was accepted, loved and valued as aman. And the miracle was that I was valued by other men apart fromsex.

It was awkward, uncomfortable, (but sometimes exhilarating) torelearn appropriate ways of relating to men. But as I establishedhealthy relationships with men, homosexual yearnings begandissolving. I also noted a marked decrease in temptation. After all,temptation is simply the exploitation of a real need. And my realneeds were finally being met without impurity and within a caring,supportive community that offered me acceptance and accountability.

Growing beyond my fixation on men (and my own needs) enabled me tocomfortably grow toward heterosexuality. I was behind schedule – butnot too late! During this time of working in ministry, I met Karen.We were friends and coworkers, but that was all. Still I was verymuch attracted to her remarkable character, integrity and love forGod.

During a time of praying together, God’s spirit revealed to Karenthat she would become my wife. One year later, I too became aware ofGod’s direction. At first I balked at the idea of marriage as innerfears and deep-rooted feelings of inadequacy surfaced. But as Karenand I developed a transparent friendship, God brought much healing tome.

Our marriage is not proof of my recovery from perversion andcompulsion. Rather it is one of the most beautiful evidences of ahuman life made whole through the transforming love of Christ. Inaddition to being a husband, I also have the joy of being a father -one more blessing that proves nothing is impossible with God.

One evening while I was preparing for bed, the Lord spoke to myheart saying, “Look in the mirror – tell Me what you see.” I lookedfor a moment and said, “I see a new creation!” He said, “Yes, butlook again.”

So I did, and then said, “I see a child of the King – a servant ofJesus – and beauty from the ashes of my old life.” Yet I knew theseweren’t the answers He was looking for. What was the Lord trying toshow me?

I looked at in the mirror again.

“What do you see, My son?”

At last I understood. “I see that the man, the man in the mirror -is me.”