Me? A “Real” Woman? Me? A “Real” Woman?
By Jeanette Howard
Growing up, I felt strangely alienated from other girls. But Icouldn’t identify with boys either. I didn’t seem to belong anywhere.Who was I, anyway?
“Jeanette, stand in front of the mirror every morning and thankGod that He’s made you a woman.” This challenge came from a teacherat the Bible school I attended as a young Christian. What aridiculous task! I thought, but reluctantly agreed. The next morningI got up and struggled to look at myself in the mirror. Try as Iwould, I could not acknowledge myself as a female.
Day after day I persevered. For the first week I struggled to holdmy gaze at the mirror, unable to utter a word. After about ten days,I was able to look at myself full face. But when it came to sayinganything, I just cried.
I couldn’t speak, too frightened to acknowledge who I was. Onlyafter several weeks could I stand in front of the mirror and say,”Thank you, Father, for making me a woman”. No sentence has ever beenas hard to say as that one. For years, I’d felt detached from myfemininity.
“You should have been a boy”, my mother told me numerous timeswhen I was little, and I had mentally agreed with her. I’m strongerthan most girls my age. I can play soccer with the best of the boys.And I hate dolls. All good reasons not to be a girl, I concluded.
My father encouraged my masculine pursuits, and I constantlysought his approval. I was never close to my mother. We had so littlein common that I’d sometimes wonder, Am I really her daughter?
When I was ten, I began attending an all-girl’s school. Istruggled academically, but I did excel at sports, and was able toachieve some semblance of self-esteem through that subject. Earlyadolescence wasn’t too bad. All the girls had crushes on each other.We would practise getting married to each other at recess, and pledgeundying friendships for the rest of our lives.
But, one by one, my friends passed onto the next stage: almostovernight, they became obsessed with boys.
I waited for my interests to change, but my same-sex desires onlydeepened. By the age of 13, I knew that I wanted a woman to fill theempty places I felt inside. I didn’t tell anyone of my struggles. Whocould possibly understand?
There’s only one way to stay close to my girlfriends, I reasoned.I’ll look like the men they admire. I had my hair cut like theirfavorite pop star, and wore the clothes they like on the men.
My plan didn’t work. The girls soon ignored me, and I was leftfeeling like a third sex. I didn’t belong-either as one of the boysor one of the girls.
At 18 I entered university and majored in physical education. Mydoubts and fears about being gay were confirmed when I was seduced bya senior female teacher.
That was the beginning of a torrid relationship which lasted fouryears. The fact that my teacher had four children-the eldest beingonly four years younger than I-added to my stress level. To deaden myconfusion, I drank heavily and dabbled in drugs.
After university, I became a teacher and house parent at a girls’boarding school. I dearly loved the children, and teaching providedstability in my life.
But, after several years, I sensed the need for a complete change.Not being good at confrontation and feeling unable to break off mycurrent lesbian relationship, I took a job in Australia. With such agrand gesture, I figured my partner would get the hint!
I moved to New South Wales in January, 1983, and began working inan all-girls’ Christian school. It was a perfect setup for God tobegin working in my life. The majority of the teachers were “bornagain”. The town was small and I was 500 miles from the nearest gaybar.
My coworkers dubbed me the “happy heathen”. When a few of themtried to witness, I’d quickly change the subject. Conversely, I wasattracted to those who never spoke about the Gospel, but who had aquality of life that intrigued me. There was something differentabout their lives, but I wasn’t sure exactly what.
Nine months later I became brave enough to borrow a Christian bookfrom another teacher. “I’ll read it on one condition”, I told her.”Don’t you dare tell anyone else about this!” I even hid the bookfrom my roommate, Sue, and only read at night in bed under thecovers!
Satan was fighting a battle for my soul. Unfortunately, as myinterest in God increased, so did my interest in Sue. We soon becamelovers.
The following weeks were euphoric; my senses were awakened, bothphysically and spiritually. I wanted to be a Christian and remaingay, yet I knew that homosexuality was contrary to God’s plan.
I left Australia soon after Christmas, 1984. In my mind I wasleaving behind the one person I loved: Sue. It also felt like I wasabandoning my search for God.
Landing back in England on New Year’s Eve, I immediately went tothe local gay club. What a shock! Even though there was lots oflaughter, all around me I saw lonely, hurting people. It was astartling contrast to my Christian coworkers of the previous year.
“I’ve found something better”, I told people for the rest of theevening. “I don’t know what it is, but I know that it’s better thanthis!”
I began avoiding the clubs, and spent the next month teaching byday and feverishly reading my Bible at night. I missed Sue enormouslyand ran up a colossal telephone bill telling her so, but our physicalseparation was just what I needed to get my life on track with God.
At 2:30 a.m. on the night of January 23, 1985, I read John 15:16″You did not choose me, but I chose and appointed you to go out andbear fruit…”.
I finally understood. I’m not to choose God, just simply acceptwhat He’s offering me. Instinctively I began attending the localBaptist Church, and soon warmed to the people’s love and acceptance.
But I found it hard to associate with families at church. Up tonow, my life had consisted of single career women. The only men I’dever know were rather weak and ineffective. They seemed totallyirrelevant. All a man could do was father a child and I was in nomood for children!
Another aspect of church was hard to accept: men seemed to berunning the whole show. Fortunately, God healed me quickly in thisarea. He showed me that the male leadership was not “lording” it overthe women, but truly serving the congregation as a whole.
The Lord also showed me the important roles held by many of thewomen, including the role of deaconess. This awareness helped mesubmit to my church leadership very quickly.
Five months after my conversion I felt God calling me intofull-time Christian work. I had no idea of the specifics, but mypastor and the church membership confirmed the call.
I told one couple in the church about my lesbian struggles, andthey began to disciple me in order that I might know more of God’slove.
Then, in January of 1987, my church sent me to a small Bibleschool in North Wales, mainly to seek the Lord for my future. Withinthree days, I felt led to tell the school’s leaders about my past.
“We know”, said David, one of the directors. “God has already toldus about you.”
I was disgusted with God. “Isn’t anything sacred?”, I asked Him.Obviously not, I decided, and soon afterward my lesbian problemsreally surfaced. I became involved in a dependent relationship andfelt increasingly separated from God.
Then another issue came to the surface: unacceptance of myfeminine identity. I never considered myself to be a Christian woman,only a Christian person. A visiting teacher challenged me to thankGod that I was a woman. I struggled for several weeks in front of amirror to say the words.
When God showed me that I was to confess my homosexual strugglesto my home church back in Battle, I panicked. Surely they will rejectme, I thought. But upon my return home, I confessed my homosexualpast and my present struggles at a Sunday morning service.Anticipating complete rejection , I had already prepared myself tomove on to another church. To my astonishment, the whole congregationgave me a standing ovation. They pledged to help me in any way theycould. In January, 1988, with my church’s full financial backing, Imoved to San Rafael to begin Love in Action’s yearlong program forwomen. God began some intense healing.
One of my most traumatic times of the whole year occurred during a”make-over session” organized by the ministry leaders. All womentried on different kinds of makeup, selected to complement our skin,eyes and hair coloring.
I felt like a performing monkey throughout the afternoon, andimmediately removed all traces of makeup soon after the teacher hadleft.
But, with the encouragement of other women in the program, Ipersevered. Wearing makeup proved easier than receiving recognitionfor wearing it. At first, when people noticed and commented on how”pretty” and “feminine” I looked, I would rush straight into thebathroom and wipe it off.
Gradually I learned to say “thank you” and smile. Internally,however, I was still reeling. My outer appearance was not reflectingmy old identity.
Then came a breakthrough during a retreat in February, 1989. “Youhave believed a lie”, God told me, “but I’m going to change yourname”. From now on, He showed me, I was to be called “woman”. Thiswas God’s intention for me from my conception.
In faith I received my new name. Almost immediately I felt aweight fall away from me. In amazement, I looked around at the otherwomen. No longer did I feel distanced from them; we were united by acommon bond in Jesus Christ.
That day, the wall I had erected as a child came tumbling down. Ientered into my rightful role as a woman of Christ. I felt as thoughI belonged-at long last.
As I have entered into my identity as a woman, God is healing myviews on men. Now I see them as having a major role in my life. Wecomplement each other, and I realize now that my life has beenenriched because of them.
Just the other day, in the middle of a conversation, I sensed Godsmiling at me. There I was, sitting with a group of straight, marriedwomen discussing colors, makeup and hairstyles!
The work God is doing isn’t finished yet. But He’s promised tocomplete the good work He’s begun in my life (see Phil 1:6). God hasbeen faithful to me and I can face the future with confidence. I’msecure in His love. After all, He knows me by name.
Jeanette Howard is the author of Out of Egypt: LeavingLesbianism Behind.
Copyright (C) by Jeanette Howard. Distributed by Love inAction, PO Box 753307, Memphis, TN 38175-3307; 901/542-0250