My Search For Affirmation My Search For Affirmation
By Lynn Hensel
After four years, my relationship with Brenda came crashing down.I was brought to my knees in front of God, who was there all along,patiently waiting.
I grew up in a small town in eastern Pennsylvania. Although ourfamily attended church every week, godly principles were lacking inour home. My parents suffered from low self-esteem and had poorcommunication. My mother seemed especially needy and I gave her moreemotional support than I received. I never felt her love.
On the other hand, my strong and reliable father was easier totalk with. Since my dad was more emotionally whole than my mother, Ithought men were the better sex.
With little affirmation at home, I began seeking it in other ways.I gained popularity with some of the neighborhood boys by exposingmyself to them. This went on for several years. When I was ten, itcame to a horrible end when one of the boys raped me. I didn’t tellanyone for 12 years. Inside, my dislike and fear of men increased.
As a teenager, my friends helped me feel happy and accepted. Butat home the pain and confusion persisted. I had several briefphysical encounters with other girls, but didn’t consider myself tobe gay.
In my sophomore year of high school, I fell in love with Tom. Hewas a senior and our relationship lasted for six years. As time wenton, I knew I didn’t really love him. During my three years at nursingschool, I recognized increasing feelings towards women.
After my graduation, Tom gave me a diamond and proposed. Iaccepted, but felt confused about what I was doing. After some time,I returned the ring to Tom, with my apologies. I knew I couldn’tspend the rest of my life with a man I didn’t love. During the lastsix months of my engagement, I met a nursing student at work namedBrenda. Our friendship progressed into the first homosexualrelationship for either of us. After she graduated, we moved into ourown apartment.
At first, everything was fun and exciting. Eventually, what seemedlike the most wonderful love I had never known turned into a confusedand unfulfilled void.
I started dating a man, and became physically involved with him atthe same time I was living with Brenda. I wanted the best of bothworlds, grabbing at people and relationships to satisfy.
After four years, my relationship with Brenda came crashing downwhen she became involved with another woman. Our breakup was one ofthe most difficult experiences of my life. I began an intense searchfor my true identity and purpose. It brought me to my knees in frontof God, who was there all along, patiently waiting.
I began to read my Bible again. “You shall know the truth, and thetruth shall make you free” (John 8:32). I felt this was a promisefrom the Lord, that one day I would be free from the emotionalturmoil.
I tried to handle the breakup with Brenda by myself, but when Ihad my third anxiety attack, I knew I needed help. I went to aChristian psychologist and learned much in the next two years.However, when I ended therapy I still didn’t know who I was sexually.I couldn’t admit that homosexuality was against God’s will.
I joined a church and was accountable to the pastor with my sexualstruggles, but I was still unsatisfied. He gave me good counsel withhis limited knowledge on homosexuality, but I needed more.
I still felt some attraction to certain women. God graciously gaveme a loving Christian friend who I could share my struggles with. Ialso shared much with my sister, who was very supportive. Thisopenness gave some release from the emotional pressures I was under.
In the midst of my searching, I visited my friend Kay inCalifornia. I thought that it would be nice to get away andexperience life in another part of the country. Our visit was adivine appointment.
When Kay greeted me, I could sense that something was differentabout her. She was so full of life and hope. She had rededicated herlife to the Lord, and shared a lot with me. During my visit, we wentto a Christian rally. I went forward during the altar call andaccepted the Lord anew. At the time, I didn’t know what it meant, butI began to acknowledge more of His grace. I also began to beconvicted more of the sin of homosexuality.
At 29, I understood a lot about homosexuality, but was stilllooking for more answers. I talked with two Christian women who wereinvolved in Dignity, a pro-gay organization. I also wanted to talkwith some Christians who had left homosexuality, but couldn’t findany. I decided if any ministry existed to former homosexuals, itwould probably be around San Francisco. So I moved to California, twomonths before my thirtieth birthday.
About a year later, I read about Love in Action in Charismamagazine. I was thrilled, and contacted the office for help. Beforecoming to LIA, I was a Christian on the fence of indecision. Icouldn’t believe homosexuality was really wrong, or that I could everfeel towards a man what I felt for women. I was so afraid of spendingthe rest of my life alone. I prayed, “Lord, I don’t know how to stopthese feelings for other women, but I’m willing to learn. Please showme. Assure me that you will provide the love I need.”
Life did not change overnight. In fact, the next few weeks weresad and empty. But now I know I was grieving to purge myself ofwhatever kept me running to the wrong places for love and acceptance.
Knowing two things really helped me to leave homosexuality. I cameto a greater awareness of how much God loves me and the mighty powerthat is available through Him. I also knew there was an adversarytrying to prevent God’s love from reaching me. In the past, the besthuman love I’d received was a poor comparison to God’s love. And thedevil seemed about as real as the Wizard of Oz. I had been ignorantabout what God’s love and Satan’s destructive ways were all about.
Since relinquishing my homosexuality to the Lord, one area toundergo a thorough housecleaning is my relationships with both menand women.
I was always afraid to get close to men. In order to remove thisfear, I had to erase the tape that said, “men are insensitive and donot feel the same way women do”. I had never allowed a man closeenough for him to be able to show his feelings in a godly way.
In relating with other women, I had two major fears; developing anattraction and being rejected if the other woman knew my background.
As my mind is renewed, these fears are being healed. I no longerthink of myself as gay, so that I’m not expecting sexual feelings forother women. But if they come, I take them to God and ask Him to showme what is behind the attraction. I have released the second fear bynot expecting everyone to accept everything about me. I am open toreceive whatever love others are capable of giving. I know that Godloves me and wants me to have godly friendships with other women, andHe will provide them.
One of the most crucial factors in developing and maintaininghealthy, godly relationships is for me to be involved in a churchbody, where there is a demonstration of God’s warmth and acceptance.We all need love and acceptance. Leaving past relationships canproduce a tremendous void. Without new activities to fill the void, Itoo easily revert to old ways of thinking and behaving.
I am now going through a total reorganization of my life. The moreI submit to God, the more I am challenged to give up whatever doesnot fit God’s will for me. Not only my sexuality has turned around,but also my career choices, educational goals and relationships.
Changes in sexuality do not come easy. It’s an ongoing process ofsaying, “OK, Lord, I don’t always feel You are at work, but I believeYou are and I trust you completely”. One of the most importantlessons I’ve learned is not to base conclusions on how I feel.Certain situations make me feel vulnerable, but God is aware of this.In knowing that, and turning it over to Him, all the pressure istaken off me.
“No temptation has overtaken you but such as is common to man; andGod is faithful, who will not allow you to be tempted beyond what youare able, but with the temptation will provide the way of escapealso, that you may be able to endure it” (1 Cor. 10:13).
Copyright (C) by Lynn Hensel. Distributed by Love in ActionP.O. Box 753307, Memphis, TN 38175-3307; 901/542-0250.