Pain Needn’t Be Forever

Pain Needn’t Be Forever Pain Needn’t Be Forever

I’m Patricia Baker and this is my story.

Everyone has a story, and each of us has someone or somecircumstances that we credit with having influenced our lives. Theinfluence and circumstances in my life were not very positive andleft me with no sense of self-worth or self- respect. That’snot a lot different than a number of other people. However, there isalways a result from negative input. The result for me was afierce pride that said I can do anything you can do and do it better.I also developed an independent streak, that said I don’t need help,I can do it by myself. I also had an overwhelming fear offailure that said I had to be the best, I had to exceed allexpectations.

But, there was an emptiness in the very heart of mysoul. It’s the kind of emptiness that makes you ask why?What is life all about? What is the purpose?. And knowing you can’tfind one. It seems life is just a matter of being used, or of findinga way to be so strong no one will be be able to take advantage ofyou. It just made no sense to me. There was nothing, or no one, thatcould fill that empty space. I kept looking for someone, orsomething, that would help. Someone to give me a sense of meaning, ofbeing accepted just as I was, with no demands and no criticism — tolet me live by my rules of honesty, ethics, and morality. Likemany people, I thought that while I may not perfect, I was probablybetter than most. But compared to God’s standard, like allpeople, I fell very short of the mark.

The pain and the emptiness were always there. There was norelief and there seemed no way of escape from it..

Since nothing else helped, I looked for satisfaction in mywork. Like a lot of other workaholics, striving to succeed, I waschased by my own personal devil, that fear of failure. I constantlyfelt I had to exceed expectations and goals. It hurts to keep tryingand trying but never feeling you have reached an acceptable level ofexcellence. It hurts to want to cry on someone’s shoulder, but beingso afraid of showing any vulnerability, you just can’t. Needing help,but being unable to ask for it, or to accept it, is like trying towalk on water. Sooner or later you know you will sink.

Sometimes, when my life was so derailed it didn’t seem possible toget back on track, I turned to God — broken, shedding tears that noone else ever saw, or would have believed were there. Just like a lotof other people, I took it for granted God would be there.After all wasn’t God supposed to be available on demand? It neveroccurred to me God wanted me or expected anything of me. Those whoreached out to me were rejected because I questioned their motives.The rest only made me strive harder for acceptance. Funny, but Ialways wanted approval where it wasn’t given, and I seemed to rejectwhat was there for me.

I had acceptance among my peers and my employer, but that onlyintensified the pressure to perform. At work, it seemed I had it alltogether. But my personal life was a wreck. The devil always knowswhat buttons to push.

The pain never left me. It was like so much baggage I strapped onmyself each day. I had a distrust of others, and a will to never letanyone use me. I had a drive to never fail, and an inability to laughat myself. I had a pain that I believed there was no release from,that I could not escape. There seemed to be no way out.

But I was wrong, there was a solution. There was a way out.

One day a young man who had worked for me called and said that hewould like to speak to me. He had just returned from the military andI supposed he wanted to ask me for a job. So my response was, “Sure,anytime.” I prided myself on knowing what was going on with myemployees and our customers, on never forgetting anything.

When he came to speak to me, he indicated that he only wanted toshare with me something wonderful that had happened to him while hewas away in the service. I knew him pretty well, and knew he had beenpretty wild. He began to tell me about having found Jesus Christ, andhow his life had changed. Well, this was not exactly what I had beenexpecting. Like most people, I listened politely to him…and thoughthe had gone over the edge. But there was something different abouthim. He had changed. He had a peace thatwas so evident on his face and in his actions. He invited me tochurch with himself and his wife. I went, but I wondered if I knewwhat I was doing, since I was of a different religious belief thanthis church, and not in the habit of attending regularly. After allGod was supposed to be available on demand when I could no longercope. Otherwise, I didn’t want any “shalt nots” in my life. But whatI saw in him and his wife, and what I heard them say, was differentthan anything I had heard before. No one had ever beforelooked at me and asked if I died today, did I know if I would go toheaven? But he did. Like most people, I answered, “I surehope so.” Never flinching and looking me right in the eye again,he said, “Would you like to know so?” Much to his surprise, aswell as my own, I listened to what he had to say.

So, in 1983, I professed a belief in Jesus Christ and Hisresurrection from the dead, and my life began to change. Theemptiness was gone. It had been replaced with hope. But,I had never faced the enormity of my sin.

In 1987 I was transferred to Allentown, Pennsylvania. Iimmediately found the Lehigh Valley Baptist Church and beganattending regularly. My life was still changing. I was growing inknowledge.

In the summer of 1990, I was miserable, the Pastor was preachingand teaching, and exhorting us to be all that God wanted us to be. Heasked if we had truly, with all our hearts, repented of our sins, allwrong-doing, all behavior so unacceptable to a Holy God.

One Sunday in July of 1990, I was overwhelmed with the enormity ofmy past behavior — of living by my own rules, and by my own sense ofhonesty and morality. On that day in 1990, I asked God to pleaseforgive me, and to wipe my past from before His face. I know now thatHe has done that.

There is a hymn called, Love Lifted Me,.. and love haslifted me, the love of that young man for his Savior and for me,the love and mercy of God, the Father, and His Son, Jesus Christ, theSavior.

I’m not saying that I’m now perfect. I’m not. Sometimes I still dothings that are wrong. But, I feel it when I do, and I’m truly sorry.God is chipping off the rough spots and rounding out the corners. My life has changed in ways I could not have done by myself.And, it is still changing, by the power of God. The pain isgone, the emptiness is gone, I trust people now, and I no longer feellife has no meaning. Life is precious, and each of us is precious toGod,the Father, even me.

Well, that is my story. What’s yours? Are youliving in hell and longing for heaven? Is there an emptiness in yoursoul? There really is a cure for it all. Just ask, you too can behelped.

If you would like to know more about the Savior that changed PatBaker’s life, you are welcome to attend the

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