Phileo – Leon Britz TestimonyLeon Britz
A testimony, 22 September 1997, London
I remember my dad only on two occasions.Once outside our house and once at the dinner table. I remember how mymum carried me while she paced the house – both of us crying the day mydad died. I asked her where he was and she said that the ambulance menhad taken him away. I was five.
From that day onwards my mum had to playboth dad and mum in our house, raising three boys all on her own. I can’tsay that I really missed my dad, probably because I never knew him andhe was bed-ridden for some time during that five years because of cancer.My mum did well in her role as a parent and I was quite content. I wasthe youngest of three boys and my parents hoped that the third would bea girl. Before my birth they decided that I will get my grandma’s name:Leonie – which was turned into Leon when they saw that I was a boy.
My two brothers bullied me – especiallythe middle one. I can’t remember anyone else having been bullied as muchas me – and I withdrew into self-pity and started to develop a shy personality.Time and time again I was called a sissy by them. My mum called me “herbaby”. I remember how my middle brother turned my own friends against me.I remember how he urinated on me from the top of the house roof.
When I was in my second and third schoolyear, my mum tried her best to get rid of my shyness and my introvert personality.She forced me to play rugby like the other boys, but that didn’t last long,because I simply hated it. I just didn’t like sport and can’t explain why.In stead, I would play school-school in the afternoons with some girl friends.
My brothers were both sent to boardingschool in order to give my mum a break because of the increasing difficultyof raising three teenage boys. It was promised to them that I would goin two years time, when I am as old as them. This never happened. Therewas more bulling. I was “too much of a sissy to go to boarding school.I play with the girls. I go shopping with mum.” It just went on and on.
I went to the theatre with my mum and hergirl friends. I was fascinated with the behind-the-scene work and lightingand decor. Now my afternoons were spent playing theatre-theatre with mymainly female friends, and one or two male friends.
This was pretty much how my childhood developed.I was a happy child, except for the bullying from my brothers and lateralso my peers.
My first attraction to men started justafter puberty. I guess you can’t call it “attraction”, but rather “fascination”.Interest stared with my male teachers and I was intrigued by small detailslike the hairs on their arms and their moustaches.
In my Matric year (A-levels) I lost myvirginity to another girl at school because I wanted to be “in” like theother boys, and I wanted to prove to myself that I was “normal” and thatI liked girls and not men. This big secret of mine (the attraction towardsmen), stayed between me and myself. No-one will ever know. No-one shouldever find out. Later people did ask me whether I was gay and I wouldsimply say “of course not, don’t be stupid” and brush it off. But deepinside the conflicts and mind-ache started: why did they ask that? whatcould they see in me? what signs do I portray? I started to hate myself.I hated the way I talked, I hated my voice, I hated the way I walked andstood, because to me, these were all signs of my “queerness” and thisis why people asked such questions. I even considered asking the doctorfor hormone injections so I can look more like a man, but never got thecourage together.
During my student years, I became a rebel.I so much wanted to be accepted as just “one of the guys” and the onlyway I could find recognition was to be the big party animal. Drink tillyou drop, was the in-thing in those days, and I became the leader of thepack. I was accepted. People came to visit me. It was wonderful. I wasone of the men!
I think I was 20 years old, when I encounteredmy first homosexual experience. I was paralytic drunk and I needed to be,because otherwise my conscience would have been too overwhelming. Needlessto say: the next day I felt as bad as ever, and condemnation set in.
I was never involved in the gay scene andthe two or three encounters I had were just as secretive from my side,as it was from the other guys side. For they were just everyday guys whogo to normal “straight” pubs, like me.
So far life was OK, between the alcoholand occasional joint, I didn’t have too much to worry about, except thatno-one should ever find out of my “other side”. I completed my studiesand went for my one year National Service. Then God showed up!
I gave my heart to Jesus on 2 August 1991.I had been brought up in a religious home and went to a traditional churchuntil I was 17. So I knew what was right and what was wrong, and this explainswhy I needed so much alcohol in my “old life” to drown my conscience.
The craving for affection towards othermen were still there, but at first I didn’t notice it because I was inmy honeymoon period as a new Christian. It was about a year later thatI realised that the feelings are still there. I’ve heard of groups likethe Gay Christian Movement, and felt “how could these people call themselvesChristians? If they are gay, they can’t be Christians. You’re either theone or the other!” I felt disgusted in their self-justification. But whydid I still have these feelings? Why, when I walk down the street, I noticeattractive men rather than women?
Deliverance! That’s what I need! So I wentfor a deliverance session, thinking to myself, as much as the pastor, thatthis is what I needed to get rid of my feelings. I was so desperateto be “normal” that I tried it all. I remember how I cried through thenight asking God why He made me gay and why can’t I just be “normal” likeother men.
I received excellent teaching at the charismaticchurch I attended and grew in my faith. I thought that, maybe if I geta girlfriend, that I will become “normal”. So I tried that. It only lastedtwo months with many days when I didn’t pick up the phone, because I knewit was my girlfriend calling, wanting to see me, and I didn’t feel likeseeing her.
Another town, another church and 4 yearslater. The feelings were still there. I went for another deliverance session.No change. Condemnation, turmoil, secrets, why am I like this, why do Ifeel like this?
I never realised that there was a reasonbehind it all. Because I never had the affection from another man (whichevery boy needs in order to confirm him in his masculinity) I kept on cravingfor it all my life. The need was never met. I had no dad to get it from,nor was there any substitute male figures, like uncles or grandpa’s. Theneed for male affection twisted into sexual attraction when I went throughpuberty. I never knew there was a difference between a Christian practisinghomosexual acts, and a Christian with homosexual feelings. This is whyI also thought that I am the only Christian on planet earth with gay feelings.I felt so alone.
Only now do I realise that I cannot developnormal heterosexual relationships and feelings until my same-sex relationshipsand lack of same-sex affection have been met. This normally happens inearly childhood.
Only now do I see the light at the endof the tunnel and I know that one day I can marry and have a “normal” life.I’m no longer condemning myself. I no longer hate myself. I thank God thatHe showed me what things lacked in my past and that He showed me the wayout. I thank Him for showing me the roots of my problems and how to dealwith it.
It has been 9 months now since I joinedthe Courage group (a member of Exodus International) in London under theleadership of Jeremy Marks. I’ve grown more in the past 9 months as a Christian,than I grew my previous 5 years. I’m happy again and I can face life again.I’m no longer suicidal and depressed. I don’t feel like I’m the only “abnormal”Christian on the planet’s face with homosexual feelings. I can pray withmy other brothers and we can carry each other through this. Most importantly,there are people showing me how to deal with my past, my present and myfeelings through looking at the Word of God and through practising Christianbrotherly love and affection. The same affection David and Jonathan had.The same affection Jesus had for John while he was lying in His lap. (John13:23-24)
Affection and acceptance in stead of condemnationand the umpteenth prayer of deliverance. This spurs us on to grow. Growin Christ, grow in loving ourselves and grow in loving others in a healthyway.
Courage. It takes courage to go throughthis process. If it wasn’t for God’s grace and for the willpower and courageHe gave me to fight this through, I probably would have backslidden tohave a “happy gay lifestyle” like so many out there. How many gays becomeChristians? I pray that it doesn’t take them 5 years to be shown the wayto healing. I pray that this way is shown to them before it’s too late.Before they turn back. Thank You, Daddy, that you love us so much.
UPDATE: 24 November 1997, Cape Town
I’ve established a ministry in Cape Towncalled Phileo Ministries. “Phileo” means friendship love and affection.We need friends to stand by us – friends who won’t judge, but friends who’llunderstand.
Phileo Ministries, PO Box 1478, Sanlamhof,7532, South Africa. Tel/Fax +27 21 910 0393
E-mail: phileo@global.co.za http://home.global.co.za/~britz/phileo
Courage, PO Box 338, Watford, WD1 5HZ,UK. Tel. +44 181 420 1066, Fax +44 181 421 1692
E-mail: courage@btinternet.com http://www.btinternet.com/~exodus.europe/courage