The Eroding Effect Of Premarita
THE ERODING EFFECT OF PREMARITAL SEX
by Elmer F. Magnussen
A young Christian woman sat in my office and told me a story I have heard all too frequently.
“I don’t know what happened to our relationship, ” she began. “When Tom and I were dating, we felt so good about each other. We had everything going for us, and we seemed to communicate so well. We did go a bit farther physically than we had planned, but it all seemed so right.
“Now we haven’t even reached our first anniversary, and we feel like strangers. We don’t understand each other emotionally — and sexually, there’s nothing there. It’s become a duty that I perform for him, and he doesn’t seem to think that it’s very special either. How on earth could two people change so much so quickly?”
This is a sad and frustrating story that unfortunately is too familiar to pastors and counselors who do marital and premarital counseling. The most frustrating part for me is to realize that many such experiences could have been prevented if the counselors in premarital sessions had better comprehended the problem.
A MISUNDERSTOOD RELATIONSHIP
One of the very important topics I discuss in my first session with young couples preparing for marriage is the issue of their sexual relationship. In a society so permeated with sexual stimuli, this topic is pathetically misunderstood.
Premarital sexual restraint is clearly taught in Scripture. In passages such as 1 Corinthians 10:8-12 and Colossians 3:5-6 the warnings against fornication and promiscuity shout their message. Although the passages do not elaborate on the reasoning behind the commands, it takes some fancy text-twisting (or just plain blindness) to sidestep he admonition of biblical writers. That our society is so receptive to a message different from the Bible’s only adds to the confusion.
There seems to be an assumption among many Christians of all ages that premarital sex should be permitted. Or at least it is not as sinful or damaging as it used to be. Sincere Christian young people, encouraged by the lax standards of the times, ask questions that demand answers:
“Isn’t God more interested in love and relationship than a marriage license? Since we’re committed to each other, why wait for a piece of paper? … Why not ‘practice’ our sexual response to each other just like we ‘practice’ other things before marriage, like communication and decision-making? … Isn’t it rigid and legalistic to adhere to a set of ethics from a totally different culture and context? … We love each other and we will get married. Isn’t that what’s important?”
To young people asking these questions, the response most often given is warnings about venereal disease and unwanted pregnancy. If these answers are the only support for premarital chastity, then young people will conclude Scripture is outdated and has nothing to say about today’s morality crisis.
Every couple coming to me for counseling who have had premarital sexual relations have had post marital sexual adjustment problems. Because of this, whenever I see a couple (whether Christian or non-Christian) for premarital counseling, I require one major commitment from them in order for us to be effective in accomplishing some goals. I ask them to agree to refrain from sexual intercourse until their wedding night.
If they do not consent to my request, I inform them there is no way we can prepare them realistically for marriage.
I’ve never had a couple refuse to make this commitment after hearing my reasons for it.
THREE REASONS FOR MAINTAINING PURITY
The first reason for refraining from sex before marriage is a general one, and may sound simplistic to some. It is impossible to read 1 Corinthians 6:12-20 and 1 Thessalonians 4:1-8 and then contend that God will condone sexual indulgence. Christians need to establish a pattern of obedience to God and His Word.
It is easy for some to say that God is understanding and forgiving, and He will let us bypass His rules on sexual purity. After all, we can learn obedience in other areas of life. Of course, we know that God is understanding and forgiving, but that is not the point here. Why does He warn us so clearly in these passages if there is not a good reason for premarital sexual abstinence?
The second reason for this commitment is that there is a difference between the “artificial intimacy” accompanying sexual intercourse and true interpersonal intimacy.
Presumably, a couple comes for premarital counseling in order to get to know one another more fully, to deepen their intimacy.
In our society we have learned to call sex “intimate, ” but this is a deceptively false notion. True intimacy is familiarity characterizing one’s deepest nature, a close association marked by warm friendship developing through long association.
A couple’s sexual relationship is what I call “artificial intimacy, ” because it feels intimate but is not. To be intimate with a person is to be open, vulnerable, emotionally exposed and trusting. Sexual intercourse can occur without any of that! It is physically possible for a person to have sex with a complete stranger, and to have a mistaken sense of intimacy that is only very remotely related to true, interpersonal intimacy.
Because this is true, sex can be used to replace true intimacy. If there is tension or conflict in the relationship, a couple can often go to bed, feel great about each other, and never resolve the real issue. This pattern will not become evident until resentment has built to a point where sex no longer feels intimate because the emotional barriers are so high.
Then a person’s response is usually one of hopelessness. All the “love” has gone out of the marriage and there is nothing left.
This pattern can also develop after the wedding of course, but by pursuing sexual intercourse before the marriage commitment, a couple set a trap for their relationship by breaking down the process of intimate communication before it has a chance to develop and be tested.
A couple’s relationship can be compared to a steam pipe for which pressure is released by a valve. The pipe has several weak spots which would burst were it not for the safety valve. But the weak spots are invisible, they are not repaired, and they eventually corrode and destroy the pipe.
A couple can have several weak points in their communication pattern (which is the area of real intimacy) but will find release in the safety valve of sexual relations. If a couple is to prepare realistically for marriage, they need to find the weak areas in their communication process without resorting to the safety valve of sex. By not shutting off the valve they set themselves up for potentially serious marital problems later on, and thus thwart the purpose of premarital counseling.
THE FETISH OF SEXUAL AROUSAL
The third reason for premarital sexual abstinence may be the most significant. It happens that the sexual arousal of most of us can be conditioned very quickly (perhaps more readily than any other physiological response) by continual exposure to sexually stimulating pictures, books, movies and other objects. We then make a “fetish” of those objects in that they become necessary for our sexual arousal.
When a couple are sexually involved prior to the marriage commitment, they are conditioning themselves to respond to a fetish. The process is subtle and often devastating to sexual enjoyment after marriage.
Here’s why. There is in nearly everyone, especially those raised in a Judeao Christian culture, an awareness that premarital sex is wrong. It may be deeply buried, repressed, ignored or openly justified, but it’s there. Something deep inside each person engaged in illicit, premarital sex says, “We shouldn’t be doing this.” And that’s what makes it exciting.
There is something definitely stimulating in the wrongness and illicitness of the act.
That illicitness can be translated into other terms: “What if someone finds out? … I’ll show my folks I can do what I want. … See how much we love each other. … No outdated church is going to control me.” Whatever is said, that illicitness is part of the sexual arousal prior to marriage, and the couple is conditioning themselves to respond to it.
“SOMETHING DIED ON OUR WEDDING NIGHT”
I have talked with many married couples who have said, “Before we were married we had a great sex life! Exciting, fulfilling and enjoyable. But on our wedding night, for some reason, it died. It has never been very good since.”
What happened on their wedding night? That illicitness which had become a conditioned sexual stimulation was taken away. After the formal wedding vows, no one would be offended by their living together; they were no longer proving anything to an authority figure. In fact, sex was now mandatory. When the illicitness was taken away, there was only a big, black, gaping hole in their relationship. Intimacy had broken down.
So how does a person recapture that illicitness which makes sex so exciting? One simple method is to have an affair. Bingo! Great sex again! (There is also something in each of us that says extramarital sex is wrong.) This seems to be a common solution today. So the marriage bonds crumble, and the divorce rate climbs.
There are other ways to solve the problem and untangle the confusion, but they aren’t easy, they aren’t fast, and they generally require professional help. The roots of the problem reach back into the premarital relationship pattern. The couple have unintentionally set themselves up for failure by disobeying the warnings of Scripture.
A PRICE TO PAY
“But it feels so right!” We hear that statement so often without thoughtful evaluation that it seems to ring true. But God has said that premarital sex is wrong. There is a price to pay for sin, and often it is very high: unwanted pregnancy, broken relationships, lost trust, distorted intimacy — the list goes on and on.
God does not always explain the reasoning behind His commands. God simply gives His Word that we might have abundant life. Satan loves to confuse and distort those commands, and then justify their violation. God will forgive Christians for their sin, but often eternal forgiveness does not eliminate their natural human consequences.
Those who work with young people need to understand the deception of premarital sex. Young people need to be taught how to communicate in a wholesome way with others, and then how to establish a reasonable, understandable, biblical standard in their sexual expression. In light of the sexual distortions we face every day, this is no small task!
Sexual relationship between man and woman is God’s gift to ultimately express total oneness. But it is God’s plan that sexual intercourse be preceded by intimate emotional commitment and the exchange of lifetime vows. Premarital sexual intercourse begins that subtle process that deteriorates relationships, and all too often this effect is not evident until that commitment is tested under stress. Unfortunately, then it is usually too late.
Rev. Elmer Magnussen is the Pastor of Evangelism and Discipleship at the McLean Bible Church, McLean, VA.