'Saved Alone' was the message that Horatio Spafford received from his wife after the ship sank that was taking her and their four children to England in November, 1873. After reuniting with his grieving wife at sea, the boat came near the area where his children had drowned. It is speculated that at that time he wrote the words (contained in his famous hymn) that vividly described his own grief and faith: “When sorrows like sea billows roll – Whatever my lot Thou hast taught me to say, it is well, it is well with my soul” (Phyllis LaPeau).
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What I’ve Learned as a Mother

What I’ve Learned as a Mother What I’ve Learned as a Mother

By Mary Lebsock

You’re a total failure as a parent, I told myself. Although Iknew it wasn’t true, I felt like the only mother who had ever dealtwith this problem.

There was a time when I could not even talk about the events thathave taken place in our family without dissolving into tears. I wasextremely ashamed of the fact that Kent, our oldest son, had chosento go into the so-called “gay” lifestyle.

It all began with a letter I found which Kent had written. Myhusband and I confronted him, and he admitted that he washomosexually involved.

Although I managed to tell Kent that we loved him no matter what,something died inside me. The image of who I believed my son to bewas changed forever. All hope for my life being worthwhile seemed tovanish because of this overwhelming problem in our family.

You’re a total failure as a parent, I told myself. Society’s viewof homosexuality made me feel like a second-class person. Although Iknew it wasn’t true, I felt like the only mother who had ever dealtwith this problem.

I was greatly concerned about Kent’s future. He was a bright youngman. To me, it seemed he was throwing his whole future away becauseof his homosexual involvement.

In a way, it was not a total shock to hear this news about my son.I had sensed something wrong since he was a child, and lived with asecret fear since his pre-school days. I always hoped he would “growout” of what I now know was a satanically-inspired identityconfusion.

Growing up, Kent was often isolated and lonely. Over the years, weconsulted with his teachers, his pediatrician, our family doctor andour pastors, but none of them seemed to know what could be done. Godshowed me later on the pain that Kent had been going through, due tobeing rejected by his peers. It hurts to know he didn’t even feel hecould share his problem with us, his parents.

When this bombshell of Kent’s homosexual involvement hit ourfamily, I was working full-time outside the home. Our younger son washaving great difficulties during his senior year in high school,using some drugs and generally living in a manner not pleasing to us.So, even though I was deeply saddened by Kent’s news, I simply couldnot deal with it. Emotionally, I wrapped this situation up in a neatpackage and marked it, “To be Dealt with Later.” I already had enoughother problems to handle.

I became a robot, doing each day what I had to do. Putting onefoot in front of the other, I hoped somehow to get through thishorrible time of emotional paralysis. I knew I was still alive, as Iwould intermittently feel the pain of disappointment and grief overall our family problems.

I’d sit at my typewriter at work, hoping no one would see thetears squeezing out the corners of my eyes. I didn’t want anyone elseto know about our son’s situation. I felt if I ever let go and reallywept, I’d never be able to stop.

A few months later, a lot of changes came at once. I quit my jobof thirteen years. We moved from the house we’d lived in for eighteenyears to a remote area, our younger son graduated from high schooland left home, and the dear old family dog died.

The relationship between my husband, Bernie, and I had beendeteriorating over the years. I was very immature and my husband wasoften very non-communicative. All these long-standing problems causedgreat conflict in our home and I’m sure also affected our children.

With these latest developments, I’d reached the end of my rope.Bernie felt we had to accept the news about our son and go on, but Isimply couldn’t do that. I never rejected Kent, but I could notaccept what he was doing as God’s will for his life.

I really didn’t know for sure what the Bible said abouthomosexuality and even looked for a loophole, but never found one.However, my search did get me into God’s Word. Although I didn’t knowit then, that was the beginning of my healing. God found me when Iwas on the bottom of a pit of deep depression. I had nowhere to lookbut up. The Lord had been there all along, but now He finally had myundivided attention.

I had gone through a whole grief process: shock, denial,disbelief. This just can’t be happening to our family, I thought. Ivacillated between panic and mourning; I spent days on end doingnothing but crying. The Bible says God puts our tears in His bottle(Psalm 56:8) and I think He collected some barrels full of mine.

I didn’t want to see anyone. In my depression and isolation, I hadmonumental “pity parties” where no one else came but me. I felt agreat deal of guilt and shame. I also bargained with God, “If Youwill just get my son back on track, I’ll go to Africa or China! I’llnever sin again!” How I ever thought I could fulfill any of thesepromises, I don’t know-I could barely function at the time! Baking abatch of cookies was too monumental a job for me to even think about.This was very uncharacteristic of me, because I had been a verycapable person most of my life.

I totally lost my appetite. If it hadn’t been for Lipton TomatoCup O’ Soup, I think I would have starved to death. I had tremors anddidn’t get a full night’s sleep for over a year. I was almost “dead”from the standpoint of any interest in sex personally, only thinkingabout what our son was doing whenever the issue of my own sexualrelationship with my husband came up.

One day I’d be afraid I was going to die; the next day, I’d praythat I would. I finally had to be hospitalized, but after many teststhe decision was that there was nothing physically wrong with me.

My husband, Bernie, realized he had a basket case on his hands,but he didn’t know what to do. He was trying to deal with his owngrief and he knew he couldn’t fall apart, too. I finally talked himinto going with me to see a psychologist for counseling about all ourfamily problems. I got in touch with the anger and resentment I hadsuppressed over the years. But the psychologist really couldn’t curewhat ailed me.

One day when I was mourning, I saw the “I Found It” campaign ontelevision. I committed my life to Jesus, praying for Him to forgiveall my sins and take charge of my life. I knew He couldn’t do anyworse than I already had. I came to realize that He could bring aboutresurrection life for me. I found out that He even forgives parentswho have goofed.

I later asked Jesus to baptize me in the Holy Spirit. His powerbegan manifesting in my life, healing my broken heart. I learned whoI was in Christ Jesus. As I submitted myself to God and resisted thedevil, he had to flee (James 4:7). I forgave others I had resented,not by my feelings, but by a choice of my will. Over a period oftime, Jesus also healed the feelings.

Best of all, I was able to receive forgiveness for myself from myheavenly Father. I began to realize that Christianity isn’tChurchianity-it isn’t even religion, but relationship with God.

One tool that really helped me was to put meaningful Scriptureverses on tape, leaving space in between for me to repeat them back.This became my spiritual “breakfast” as I was doing my morningchores.

Another tool God used which was a help and blessing for both myhusband and me was a support group at The King’s Ministries [now “HisNew Creations”]. We met young people who had been set free fromhomosexuality by the power of God. They loved us and gave us hope.

My husband accepted Jesus Christ, and our marriage began toimprove with Jesus at the center. Bernie is now my best friend,second only to Jesus. Over a period of time, our relationship withboth our sons also got better. I was able to put them on God’s altar,as He convinced me that He had a much better plan for their livesthan I did. Any changes in them would have to be brought aboutthrough God.

The Bible gave me some very important promises to hang onto, suchas Proverbs 11:21 in the Living Bible: “And you can also be very surethat God will rescue the children of the godly.” Another Scripturewhich gives me hope is Acts 16:31, “Believe in the Lord and you willbe saved-you and your household.” Kent is in the household of myheart and God has given me real hope for our son.

My theology is simple: every single moment of every day, we areeither setting ourselves in agreement with God and His Word, or weare setting ourselves in agreement with the devil. Our younger sonhas committed his life to the Lord and we know that God is also inthe process of rescuing our older son. I’ve fully committed them bothto God and I’m at peace.

Mary was on the Exodus board of directors from 1982-1985.She has taught classes for parents at past Exodus conferences.Distributed by: Love In Action, PO Box 753307, Memphis, TN38175-3307; 901/542-0250

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