When A Husband Is Unfaithful
WHEN A HUSBAND IS UNFAITHFUL
The New Testament picture of the Bride and the Bridegroom representing the Church and Jesus Christ (John 3:29) should tip us off to the importance God places on the “oneness” between a man and a woman in marriage (Matthew 19:4-6). It isn’t just a verbal agreement or a bodily joining. It’s a union of body, soul, and mind. When sexual infidelity arises in the marriage, damage is done to both parties at all three levels. It doesn’t matter if it was only once. (I Corinthians 6:15-17, Hebrews 13:4).
Let’s look at some of the things that are going to help restore health (or establish it for the first time!) in a relationship that has been broken by unfaithfulness by the husband due to homosexual behaviour.
Confession of Sin
Secrets hurt a marriage. Many wives already know something is wrong even if they haven’t put their finger on it. Many assume heterosexual problems and wonder about “the other woman.” Her tension and anger should be dealt with, allowed to be talked about, “before the sun goes down,” (Ephesians 4:26-27), before she is incapable of dealing with her hurt in a Christ-like way and it becomes impacted and turns to bitterness.
Of course it’s risky. Husbands often say they are concerned that their wives will leave them if they know the truth. The fact is, very few conservative Christian women are just going to up and walk away. They love their husbands and take their marriage vows very seriously.
A woman should have the ability to choose whether she stays or goes. If she doesn’t know about the infidelity, the husband is keeping her on false pretences. It will be a test of the marriage commitment for her, but in the long run it will benefit the husband to know that she has willingly stayed to help him face his issues.
Silence compounds the break in the relationship. Covering up or denying sexual sin is lying. (Ephesians 4:25). Saving the bad news for a more opportune time, or when she is in a “good” mood, really only spares the husband’s feelings. It doesn’t spare hers in the long run. Admittance to sin probably will be easier on her if it doesn’t occur on a holiday or anniversary however.
Men who are homosexually active, even if only involved in mutual masturbation, are capable of bringing home to the wife a variety of sexually-transmitted diseases, many of which can go undetected in a woman and cause immense bodily harm, even death. This includes syphilis, gonorrhea, herpes and AIDS, not to mention the humiliation of pubic lice and scabies. Kids are at risk, too.
A woman needs to know if she is in danger so that she can go to an STD clinic for an exam to protect her health. At the clinic all she needs to say is that her husband is homosexually-active. She need not list the specific behaviours he engages in, so he doesn’t have to tell her specifically what he does. Most clinicians will take cultures from the throat, vagina, and anus. It’s important that the wife understand that many general practitioners aren’t educated to detect a variety of STD’s, so she must insist on cultures from all parts of her body.
How To Confess
Many unfaithful husbands ask for forgiveness at the same time as admitting or confessing to sin. Theologically this may be correct, but all to often, the shocked woman is incapable of registering and expressing all her reactions. She may offer “forgiveness” somewhat automatically, but it’s not a true forgiveness because she has not had the time to assimilate the new information.
This is not a one-time-only discussion, and then it’s forgotten. This will have to be an on-going discussion for some days or weeks. It may take a third party, a professional counsellor for instance, to really make sure both parties are “coming clean” with all of their feelings. True forgiveness can only be extended when hurt has been brought to the surface and disappointment, grief, and anger dealt with appropriately according to Ephesians chapter 4 principles.
Saying “I’m sorry” unfortunately can be just a surface reaction in hopes of avoiding conflict. Accepting such an apology can be done for the same reason.
The husband need not share the identity of those he is involved with sexually. The conversation should be a serious one, not rushed in the last minutes before going off to work. The wife shouldn’t be the only person confessed to either. She cannot bear the spiritual responsibility of bringing objective correction and counsel. He needs to make moves toward sharing his problems with a friend, a counsellor, or a pastor, bearing in mind the fact that repentance must move him in the direction of getting real help. Many friends are not capable of giving directions where homosexuality is concerned.
Hearing the Confession
Grief, beginning with shock, denial, and disbelief, is a pretty common reaction to hearing that the man she’s loved and lived with is homosexually-active. It will often cause a woman to question her husband’s intentions when he married her (to cover his activities, for instance) and it will attack who she is as a woman (why wasn’t I enough for him?). This is why she needs plenty of time to talk about her feelings. If things are too quickly swept under the carpet, these strong emotions will poison her spirit and mind, and ultimately kill her love and commitment.
Repeated sexual sin will be greeted by numbness on her part. What can she say that she hasn’t said, cried, screamed already? The marriage may remain intact, but she is gone from it — a course that happens all too often for conservative Christian women for whom separation or divorce is no option.
To remain in the marriage, the woman must come to understand that she is not the cause of her man’s homosexuality. His problems pre-date their wedding, and go back to childhood issues which are now coupled with reinforcement gained from adult decisions to pursue sin. To escape his own issues, a husband may relapse into accusations that if she were less of a nag, a better housekeeper, slimmer, etc, things would be fine. It’s all a subterfuge, however, designed to throw her into a panic and begin taking responsibility again for his sin.
The wife should be under no obligation to engage in sexual relations until the husband has been given a clean bill of health from an STD clinic. It might feel like punishment, but in the long run, it’s only good sense. Making a point of going each time he falls will help the man reckon with the consequences of his behaviour and be a factor in his decision to abstain.
Making Amends
Communication breakdown typifies what goes on in a relationship broken by infidelity. The woman who has been unaware of sexual unfaithfulness will be less impressed by a husband’s abstinence than a revitalization in his communication with her. That can be very frustrating to a man, who has “turned his face like flint” to sexual sin, but is not getting much in the way of acknowledgement from the woman on his successes.
He has to realise that she puts a premium on intimacy in conversation, good stewardship of finances, time spent with the family, and a commitment to growth in Christ. When sexual abstinence is attained, but there is no change in these other areas which are nearly always in trouble where there’s sexual infidelity, then she’s going to conclude, and rightfully, that things aren’t changing much.
If a believer doesn’t experience transformation from the inside out, and only brings outward behaviour under control, then that person is only becoming a non-practicing sinner (or a non-practicing homosexual, as the gay community would say). God doesn’t think that’s change either. (Colossians 3:1-17).
It’s entirely possible that a woman might choose to leave her man just when it seems like he’s making real headway in gaining freedom from homosexuality because he has become impossible to live with: withdrawn, self-centred, only talking about his problems, being with “ex-gay” friends rather than family and church friends, or even possibly acting out in other ways, like excessive spending, to compensate for lack of self-esteem in sexual activity.
How Long?
Homosexuality is a long time in the forming and it won’t be dealt with in a few counseling sessions or a prayer session or two. The wife needs to pass through normal stages like trying to “rescue” her husband herself, but, finally settling down to 2 to 3 years of personal discovery and growth in Jesus. In the same time, it’s possible that her husband, with diligent surrender in all emotional/sexual areas of his life, will find himself truly becoming a new creation in Christ. Patience, love, and forgiveness, on both sides will facilitate that growth.
- Robbi Kenney
For further information about homosexuality or about other areas of sexual brokenness, please contact:
LOVE IN ACTION
G.P.O. Box 1115
ADELAIDE SA 5001
Phone (08) 371 0446
This article is reprinted by permission from
Metanoia Ministries
P O Box 33039
Seattle WA 98133-0039
U.S.A.