Judith_CollinsI write this testimony to the glory of God for His changing powerand grace, available to all when we call our sin, SIN. I pray thosewho claim to be homosexuals, and those who don’t, but actually are,will examine their hearts before the living God as they read this,and turn from their sins.
DECEIVED!
I lusted after women, but one in particular. I idolized this woman,focused my entire life around her, and participated in sexual acts withher. I wanted to ‘marry’ her, to ‘live happily ever after’ with her- I was in love.
All this time I was involved with her, [4 years], we both claimed tobe Christians, teaching Bible studies, leading people to the Lord, andabstaining from the ways of the world. We compared our relationship tothat of Jonathan and David’s in the book of 1 Samuel, rationalizing oursin through distorting the very Word of God.
Jeremiah 17:9 claims that ‘the heart is deceitful above all thingsand beyond cure’. My heart was deceived. I thought I’d found truegodly love, mutual love, when actually my heart had replaced my firstlove in Jesus, whom I’d found a few years before my relationship beganwith this sister in the Lord.I was deceived into thinking my sinwasn’t ‘that bad’. I thought the sexual acts were the only impuritiesin the relationship, but God reveals the heart. I didn’t see how I washurting God, and fooling myself, by calling an impure relationship,pure. Isaiah, the prophet, puts it like this: ‘Woe to those who callevil good and good evil, who put darkness for light and light fordarkness, who put bitter for sweet and sweet for bitter.’ [5:20] Goddespised my whole heart as I rationalized and whitewashed my sin andperversion. I didn’t fear God – I only wanted one thing – myrelationship with her.
RATIONALIZING SIN
Let me make this clear: I had read God’s Word, I knew about Sodom andGomorrah, [Genesis 19], and many passages on sexual immorality andimpurity. I had knowledge that I was involved in sin – I knew the truthof God’s Word, but it didn’t phase me; I continued to sin. Irationalized my sin, not admitting to homosexuality. I wasn’t in the’gay scene’, didn’t go to gay bars, and wasn’t having sexual relationswith many women – just one. One way I rationalized my sin was byclaiming it was love, love that didn’t stem from selfish motives. ButGod said to me from His Word
‘If we deliberately keep on sinning after we have received theknowledge of the truth, no sacrifice for sins is left, but only afearful expectation of judgment and of raging fire that will consumethe enemies of God.’ [Hebrews 10:26-27]
POWERLESS
My heart was hardened by my sin. But God, through His love andfaithfulness, kept me miserable to lead me to repentance, [Romans 2:4].I had no desire to let go of my immoral relationship. I had no powerto change my heart. I couldn’t imagine living without her. I knew Ihad no power within my sinful self to stop my physical contact with her.So, what was I to do? Did I choose eternal life, and freedom from sin,or a guilt-ridden life with her on earth and eternity in hell? We allmust choose between our sin or God’s ways – we do everyday.
Well, I chose, and I chose God. He didn’t just show me how sinful Iwas and leave me helpless. Romans 5:6 says, ‘You see, at just theright time, when were were still POWERLESS, Christ died for theungodly.’ Jesus Christ gets the victory over my sin- He gave His lifefor it. Jesus says, ‘apart from me you can do nothing’, and oh howtrue that is. As I said before, I had no power, but Jesus did. No onehas any power within themselves to conquer any sin. Only by His Spiritwithin me could He take me by the hand and lead me out of my perversioninto a life of freedom and victory. He took my sin, cleansed me deeplyin my heart, {not just outwardly}, and gave me power over lustfulthoughts and schemes, sexual desires and idolizing a created individualrather than the Creator, [Romans 1:15]. He was merciful in not lettingme continue in sin because I wanted to be freed. The sacrifices of Godare a broken spirit, a broken and contrite heart. [Psalm 51:17] He hadto first, soften my hard heart. Then He had to give me the faith inHim, that He could accomplish changing my desires. God demandsholiness from His children, but only His righteousness and His powercan make us holy. He must do it all, for we are weak, helpless, sinfuland wicked people. The Lord says, ‘My grace is sufficient for you, formy power is made perfect in weakness.’ [2 Cor.12:9] God’s demands forholiness are clearly put forth in His Word; ‘It is God’s will that youshould be holy; that you should AVOID SEXUAL IMMORALITY; that each ofyou should learn to control his own body in a way that is holy andhonorable, not in PASSIOIONATE LUST like the heathen, who do not knowGod; and that in this matter no one should wrong his brother, [orsister] or take advantage of him. The Lord will punish men for allsuch sins, as we have already told you and warned you. For God did notcall us to be impure, but to live a holy life. Therefore, he whorejects this instruction does not reject man but God, who gives youHis Holy Spirit.’ [1 Thessalonians 4:3-8]
WHAT NOW?
You may wonder about continual victory over my homosexual sin-will Ibe drawn back into it? Very truthfully, during God’s cleansing processand discipline to remove me from my sin, I have been tempted with otherwomen. Jesus also was tempted – in every way, [which by the way includeshomosexuality], yet was without sin. He sympathizes with my weaknesses.[Hebrews 4:15]. Jesus also combated temptation with God’s holyscriptures, and I must do the same to overcome. ‘No temptation hasseized you except what is common to man. And God is faithful; he willnot let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you aretempted, he will also provide a way out so you can stand up under it.'[1 Cor. 10:13]
CONCLUSION
All I can say is, God’s power is sufficient for me, and only by Hisgrace will I remain pure. God’s truth sums up this entire testimony,and what a firm foundation to stand on: ‘Do not be deceived: Neither theSEXUALLY IMMORAL nor idolaters nor adulterers nor male prostitutes norHOMOSEXUAL OFFENDERS, nor thieves nor the greedy nor drunkards norslanderers nor swindlers will inherit the kingdom of God. And that iswhat some of you were. But you were washed, you were sanctified, youwere justified in the name of the Lord Jesus Christ and by the Spirit ofour God.’
1 Corinthians 6:9-11. Praise God for His mercy. He is the GreatPhysician who can heal anything.
A WORD TO THE CHURCH
I speak to the church also. Neither one of us, my companion or I,should have been allowed to remain in the church during the 4 years ofour sexual immorality. According to 1 Corinthians 5:11-13, the one inthe church claiming to be a brother or sister, but also being sexuallyimmoral is to be expelled from the church, and not even eaten with. Ofcourse, you must be in a body of believers that brings all deeds ofdarkness into the His marvelous light before this can be lived. I praisethe Lord that by His grace He led me to a body of believers who confesssins and walk in the light of Jesus, so my hidden sin was revealed. Buthow many churches are hiding sin, not challenging it in each otherslives? Only God knows how many homosexual relationships are going onbetween sisters in the Lord, or brothers in the Lord. Oh, how Jesuswants a pure bride to return to–will He find one? Where are theshepherds who watch closely over their sheep? Hebrews 3:13 says, ‘See toit brothers, that none of you has a sinful, unbelieving heart that turnsaway from the living God. But encourage one another daily, as long as itis called Today, so that none of you may be hardened by sin’sdeceitfulness.’ By this passage, I am in no way trying to blame my sin onthe church – I allowed my heart to become hard. I mention this passageto challenge and rebuke the church to confront sin as Jesus did, and callsin, SIN. For those shepherds of God’s sheep, if they do not wake up,they will indeed have a very heavy price to pay on judgment day! Let usall Repent!
With Praise for His Powerful Grace, Judith Collins