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The Greatest Enemy The Greatest Enemy

By Becky Johnstone as told to Bob Davies

When Becky’s husband confessed his adulterous affair with anotherman, she was stunned. But an even bigger crisis still lay ahead:unknown to both of them, her husband had been infected with the AIDSvirus.

I’d known something was wrong for weeks. My husband and I wereusually so close. We had shared everything in the six years since ourwedding day. Like any marriage, there had been some hard days, butRob was still my best friend in the world. It was the kind ofmarriage I’d dreamed of as a single woman.

Then Rob seemed to lose all interest in the physical aspect of ourmarriage. Weeks went by with no sex, and I kept asking him what waswrong.

“Oh, nothing,” he’d say. “It’s been real busy at work. I’m justtired.”

I knew there was more to it than that. “Honey,” I begged him onenight in bed, “you’ve got to let me know what’s going on. I knowsomething is wrong. What is it?”

There was a long silence.

“OK,” he finally said. “Becky, I don’t know how to tell you this.Dr. Jackson suggested last month I get tested for the AIDS virus. Theresult came back positive.”

I was stunned. It was like having a pail of ice water thrown in myface. I went numb all over. AIDS! My husband is infected with theAIDS virus. What’s going to become of us? I must have gone intoshock. To this day, I can’t even recall the rest of our conversation.I must have finally dozed off into a fitful sleep.

The next morning, everything seemed fine. I decided to go to mywomen’s Bible study. “After all, this isn’t the end of the world,” Itold myself. “God’s going to take care of us.”

But once I got to church, I totally fell apart. I asked a friendof mine if we could go somewhere and talk. She had a gay son; I knewshe’d understand. We went to the sanctuary and talked for severalhours. After breaking the news, I told her the whole story of mymarriage.

From the moment I laid eyes on Rob, I knew he was someone special.We first met when he came by to pick me up for a singles’ event atchurch. As I looked out my apartment window and saw him coming up thefront walk, the Lord spoke to me: “That’s the man you’re going tomarry.” At the time, I brushed the thought aside. Was I justimagining things?

A month later, I confided in the married couple who led oursingles’ group. “I think the Lord wants me to get married,” I toldthe wife. “Is it someone in our group?” she immediately asked. When Iblushed, she laughed. “It’s Rob, isn’t it?” She had also sensed theLord was going to bring us together.

Our single’s group was very active, so Rob and I saw each otherconstantly. We also dated sporadically.

About a year later, Rob and I went out to dinner at a restaurant.I finally told him what the Lord had shown me. Rob admitted that hehadn’t seriously thought of marrying me, but he wanted to pursue ourrelationship. We dated more after that. About six months later, wegot engaged. We were married on March 7, 1981.

I still had no idea that Rob struggled with homosexuality.Actually, it had flashed through my mind once. While we were dating,a friend of Rob’s visited our church. This man was married withchildren, and Rob told me they’d been roommates. I could tell by theway they looked at each other that they were very close. But gay? No,they were just best friends, like brothers. I didn’t give it anotherthought.

The first year after our wedding was wonderful; it seemed likewe’d been married for years. God had obviously called us together.

Then, during the summer of 1982, my job took me to the East Coastfor two weeks to help establish a branch office. While I was gone, Ifound out I was pregnant.

A few weeks after my return, Rob sat me down. “Beck,” he began, “Ican’t tell you how excited I am about this coming year.” He told mehow much he loved me, and the joy he felt in becoming a father. Thenhe dropped the bombshell.

“I’ve never been able to share this with you before, but there’sbeen a struggle in my life for years,” he explained. “I’ve hadfeelings for other men. Sexual feelings. Remember Dan, the fellow youmet at church? Well, we used to be roommates, but more than that. Wehad a homosexual relationship.”

Rob went on to explain how Dan had rededicated his life to theLord and broken off their immoral relationship. Their separation alsobrought Rob back to the Lord.

Then he went on to confess that, while I’d been away, he hadfallen into a sexual relationship with another man he’d met.

My first thought was, Too bad I’m pregnant. I’d leave right now.But God immediately reminded me that He had called us together. Icouldn’t leave-it just wasn’t an option. I also knew I had toforgive; that was unquestionable.

Rob was already in counseling because of the crisis. His counselorhad urged him to confess everything to me. We ended up going forcounseling together for the next six months, until our first daughterRachel was born. The sessions helped me to express my feelings andwork through some of the questions I had.

Then Rob found out he had syphilis. He had caught it from thesexual encounter while I was away. “When is this ever going to stop?”I asked myself. “I can’t handle any more.” It frightened me that Icould have passed on the disease to my daughter at birth, but we bothtested negative, much to my relief.

Rob had to visit the doctor for regular blood tests. It was acontinual, painful reminder of his sin. But it opened up ourcommunication. Every so often, I’d check in with him. “Is everythingOK? Are you struggling with sexual temptation?” Sometimes he’d say,”yes.” That was hard to hear. When he’d leave for work, I’d worrythat he would fall into another affair.

I started hearing more and more about AIDS. I couldn’t facesomething like that, I thought. It would be more than I could handle.

Then we found out I was pregnant again. A week later, we lost thebaby. It was a very rough time for both of us.

I’d already noticed that Rob was withdrawing from me physically.Finally he confessed to me what was wrong. He’d tested positive forthe AIDS virus. I could relate to Job’s situation in the OldTestament. What I feared the most had come upon me.

The next day, my friend at church insisted I tell our pastor. Iwent to his office and confessed the whole story. He was verysupportive.

“Becky,” he told me, “Your greatest enemy is not AIDS. It’s fear.”During the weeks that followed, I found out how true that was. I hadto fight many fears.

What will I do if something happens to Rob? I thought. He’s only37, too young to die. I’d have to go back to work. Where would welive? What if I’m infected? Who will take care of Rachel? Maybe I’veeven passed on the virus to her at birth. All three of us could die!Some days, the whole situation seemed completely overwhelming.

Rob and I decided to always use condoms, to minimize the chance ofhim passing on the virus to me. When we went to visit Rob’s doctor,he said there was no reason for me to get the AIDS test. I wasrelieved; I really didn’t want to face the trauma of being tested.

My own emotions were fragile; anything could trigger me off. Oneday, I watched a TV show on AIDS. I came away so depressed.

That night, I told Rob what had happened, and he was upset. “Youshouldn’t be watching that kind of program,” he berated me. Afterthat, I leaned on him for information, asking him questions when I’dhear a news report about some breakthrough in treatment. Rob hadaccess to professional journals at work which had the latest findingsabout AIDS. I began to relax a bit about the whole thing.

I thought back to the time of my miscarriage. The Lord had broughtus through that experience with such peace. I can’t be in control, Ireasoned. God will get us through this. I have to let go.

“Lord,” I prayed, “Rob could die tomorrow, if that’s Your will. Iknow it would be terribly difficult for me, but I know You’d sustainme.”

The Lord began comforting both Rob and I through Scriptures likeRomans 8:28. “And we know that in all things God works for the goodof those who love him…” I knew the Lord wanted to use even thissituation for our good. God wasn’t condemning us; He loved us.

Slowly my attitude changed. I started to pray for AIDS patients.One afternoon in my prayer time, the Lord gave me a vision. I saw Roband I entering the AIDS ward of a local hospital. “You’ll beministering to people with AIDS,” the Lord told me. “Because you’vealready faced this, you won’t be afraid.” I had an overwhelming senseof His love for the patients who were dying.

That day was a turning point for me. I became more sensitive to myhusband’s needs instead of only thinking of myself. I began to seehis faith and the strength God was giving him to face the future. Iprayed regularly for his needs and others who were facing the specterof this disease.

“Not my will but Thine be done,” has become my heart’s cry. God’slove is more real to me than ever before. I am beginning to rejoiceagain in the joy of my salvation. Living with AIDS means dailyseeking the Lord for His peace, comfort, hope and joy.

I don’t know what lies ahead, but I do know that God has given mevictory over my greatest enemy. The overwhelming fears I had aregone. My future is in His hands.