Hope for the Future Hope for the Future

By Bernard Coleman as told to Robert Pajer

As I faced my 36th birthday, I dreaded the future. My currenthomosexual relationship was crumbling, and even the drink in my handcouldn’t numb the ache inside.

I will never forget the night of January 20, 1983. Lights in thebar were dim, like the faces surrounding me. I loathed looking intothose faces because they mirrored my own. Those sad, lonely faceswith sighing eyes searched the bar that night just as I did, longingfor someone to fill their emptiness.

I turned from their dismal stares and sipped my vodka. The nextday, Saturday, marked my 36th birthday, yet I felt no joy-only deepdepression. I wanted the alcohol to wash away the pain of ahomosexual relationship now decaying into emotional trauma.

As the vodka began its numbing effect, I remembered an incidentthree years earlier that took place while I stood in a bank linewaiting to make a deposit. A friend I met there said, “Bernard, yourhomosexual lifestyle is sin in God’s eyes.” Her statement staggeredme, and I quickly defended myself. “Why? I’m not hurting anyone.”

“You’re hurting yourself,” she promptly answered. “Read Romans1:27. God says your sin will destroy your body.” Her voice echoedthroughout the lobby, and many eyes turned to us. My face flushed.

“Janice,” I said quietly, “if I ever read that in the Bible, I’llconsider accepting Jesus Christ.” I aimed my response to appease her.But the quotation of Romans 1:27 seared itself into my mind.

The tinkling of glasses interrupted my recollection. I realized onthat night before my birthday that homosexuality had caused the dark,smothering depression and loneliness in my life. Janice was right; Iwas hurting myself.

I pondered the past, hoping an answer would surface. Why had Ibecome a homosexual? Was it the lack of a father image, as somepsychologists suggested? My mother, strapped financially, struggledto care for five children without the help of my father who one dayleft, never to return. Only my grandmother’s generosity relievedmother’s burden. Grandma offered to have me come and live with her.So, at the age of three, I left the family.

Grandma, a staunch Baptist, took me to the Lord’s house everySunday. In Sunday School I first learned about Jesus; many of thoseearly lessons were never forgotten. As a teenager I drifted away fromthe church’s influence and decided to follow a desire beginning tostir within me-a sexual desire for men.

I could establish friendships with women, but I never developed anormal attraction to them. At 19 I experienced my first sexualencounter with a man. Even in my distorted identity, I longed for arelationship. Although this was normal, my choice of gender wasn’t.

Throughout the next 16 years, I floundered in attempts to find theideal relationship. Until that night in the bar, I failed to realizethat the floundering resulted from being outside God’s will. Iremembered twirling my drink that night and thinking my life twirledmuch the same-spinning without purpose.

I stood up and threw some change onto the bar. Then taking onelast look around the smoke-filled room, I walked out into the coldnight air. It was the last time I ever patronized a gay bar.

Later that night, in my tiny studio apartment in Yonkers, NewYork, thoughts from my sinful past continued to torture me. I triedto sleep, but the thoughts were relentless. I tossed, turned, thenfinally arose. I poured myself a drink, hoping to anesthetize myanxiety with gin. Soon I fell into a fitful sleep.

The next morning I awoke with a pounding head and an aching heart.It was my birthday, but I expected no presents, no cake with candles,and no joy; only more of last night’s depression. Suddenly an urge totake the Bible off the bookshelf overwhelmed me. It had been yearssince I’d last read it. But on that morning I wanted to read Romans1:27. Thumbing through the New Testament, I found the text. Thepromise I’d made to Janice reverberated through my mind. I began toweep uncontrollably.

I cried for more than an hour, pouring my sorrow out to God.”Jesus,” I said, “I have sinned against You. I’m tired of thislife…please forgive me…help me to live for You.” A sweeping waveof gentle peace settled over me. The deep depression of the pastmonths lifted. It was as though I’d emerged from a dark tunnel intothe brilliant light of day as Jesus Christ became real to me.

I arose from the floor and saw a pack of cigarettes and the bottleof gin I’d drunk from the previous night. Grabbing them both from thenight table, I rushed into the bathroom and dumped them down thetoilet. The transforming power of Christ was so potent that I havenever drunk or smoked since that day.

Moments later, I felt an urgent need to tell someone what hadhappened, so I called a friend who had recently accepted Christ asher Savior. She rejoiced with me.

I didn’t realize it at the time, but the Holy Spirit had meconfess with my mouth what I’d already believed in my heart. As theBible says, “If you confess with your mouth, ‘Jesus is Lord,’ andbelieve in your heart that God raised him from the dead, you will besaved. For it is with your heart that you believe and are justified,and it is with your mouth that you confess and are saved.” (Romans10:9-10)

A few weeks later I began attending Yonkers Christian Assembly,and the second greatest miracle in my life took place. One Sundayafter service, I was invited to dinner at the home of James Credle,evangelism director at Yonkers Christian Assembly. While there I metanother guest, Iris Wright, from Sierra Leone, Africa. For the firsttime I felt a stirring attraction for a female.

Over the following months God drew Iris and myself together. Soonwe fell in love. But as the days passed and our love deepened, Ibecame troubled. Should I tell her of my past? I didn’t want someoneelse to tell her.

One night, anxious and trembling, I called Iris, determined totell her everything. When the moment came I spoke with trepidation,”Iris, I have something important to tell you. God has delivered mefrom homosexuality.”

Once the words were out, I felt relieved-for a moment. Then Iwaited for her response. She remained silent for what seemed like aneternity, then she finally replied, “Bernard, I love you as you arenow”. My tension dissolved and I shouted, “Hallelujah!”

On June 15, 1985, Iris and I were married at Yonkers ChristianAssembly by Pastor Harold Richardson. Soon afterward God brought us ajoy I never thought possible for me-the birth of a son. Akin gaveadded fulfillment to our marriage, once again testifying to thelife-changing power of Jesus Christ. Two years later we were blessedwith a daughter, Berniris.

Does being a husband and father mean that all my problems with thepast are over? No, during these past ten years that I’ve been saved,there have been numerous battles with temptation. Just asheterosexuals struggle with lust, so does a former homosexual.

Initially I battled with a feeling of not actually being savedbecause there was still affection for my last lover. My pastor helpedme to understand that feeling had nothing to do with salvation. Onedoesn’t always feel saved, but I had to learn to accept what the Wordsays about salvation. “Believe in the Lord Jesus, and you will besaved,” God’s Word says simply (Acts 16:31).

Over the years, my church has been my main support in staying freeof homosexuality. I’m part of one of their small groups, which hasbeen a great help. Soon after I was saved, for example, our groupdiscussed the verse, “Confess your sins to one another, and pray forone another, so that you may be healed” (James 5:16). I confessed thestrong feelings I still had for my former lover. The group prayedwith me, and members of the group continued to encourage me in thefollowing weeks. “Bernard”, they would tell me, “these feelings willpass. Persevere in your Christian walk!”. They were right. Afterseveral months with God’s help the feelings went away.

Through being part of a small group, I saw that all Christianshave battles of some sort. When I realized this, it helped move thefocus away from myself and actually helped in my healing process.Knowing about the deep struggles of other Christians helped diminishthe tendency to think my battle was the most difficult.

My church has a multi-racial membership. When I started there,everyone accepted me quite readily, except for one black brother. “Idon’t believe you’re really saved,” he told me after one service.”I’ve never met a homosexual who was saved and I can’t accept you.” Iwas shaken by that encounter, but I prayed about it and left thewhole matter in the Lord’s hands.

A year later, the same man came up to me after a service, pulledme aside, and said quietly, “I want to ask your forgiveness. The Lordhas been dealing with me about my attitude toward you. I’ve seen yourwalk for the last year and I’ve changed my mind. I accept yourtestimony.”

My heart warmed with the understanding that God has been workingon him for the past year. since that time, this brother has become astaunch supporter of God’s work among homosexuals.

Naturally, my wife, Iris, didn’t fully understand homosexualityalthough she has become compassionate toward homosexuals. She nolonger sees me as a former homosexual, but as Bernard-her husband.

I’ve also found help in my struggles by going deeper into God’sWord. I’m taking a course on Christian maturity that week by weekencourages me as I grow in the knowledge of Christ. Gaining strengthas a believer has been the key to my growth. My homosexualtemptations haven’t entirely disappeared, but it becomes easier tocrush them when you’ve been diligently studying God’s Word.

I have come to a better understanding of myself through the studyof the Bible. I can sum up this understanding of myself with theScripture in 2 Corinthians 12:10, “For when I am weak, then am Istrong.” Rather than my own willpower it is God’s power working in mewhich keeps me strong and pressing forward in victory.

Since my conversion I have witnessed with our evangelism team onthe streets of Yonkers, telling of Jesus’ mercy. I want otherhomosexuals and lesbians to know there is a way out of their despair.Like me, they can have hope for the future. My peace is found throughknowing and obeying Jesus Christ.

Distributed by Love in Action P.O. Box 753307, Memphis, TN38175-3307; 901/542-0250.