Free At Last Free At Last
By Michael Babb
I was married yet deeply in love with another man. Guilt and fearraged inside. What if my wife discovered this secret?
It was the spring of 1984. I stood at my office window, gazing outat the bleak, sunless morning. A familiar cloud of depressiondescended upon me; the same feeling I’d had hundreds of times inrecent months. I had no choice but to endure its overpoweringpresence until it slowly lifted, leaving me with a sick, frightenedfeeling deep inside. I’ve wanted so long to be free, I thought, myeyes filling with tears. But I’m as empty as ever. Is death the onlyway out? I thought back on my childhood. My parents separated when Iwas four, due to Dad’s excessive drinking. Their divorce came aboutfour years later. As a result, I felt inferior around my peers. Theyall had two parents and “normal” families, while I lived with mymother and two older sisters.
With no father, I lacked a role model for my masculinedevelopment. I began feeling very inadequate in relating to otherboys. In fact, I became so emotionally dependent upon my mother thatI’d sometimes panic unless she was near. Homosexuality entered mylife at any early age. From about age five, I remember beinginterested in the male body, especially at the local swimming pool.As I reached puberty, these attractions increased. Other boys seemedso confident, but I felt so insecure and afraid.
During high school and college, I suppressed my homosexualfeelings. I didn’t know anyone else with these struggles, and I neveracted on my same-sex desires. I would have killed myself if anyonehad even suspected this hidden side of my life.
I felt some attraction to women, and fell in love with a classmatewhom I married. After nine months, my wife was killed in anautomobile accident. She died without ever knowing about my battlewith homosexuality. Two other close relatives died over the nextthree years. I started wishing that I could die, too. Maybe I’ll benext. Then I won’t have to live with this horrible struggle anymore,I told myself. Even death seemed better than enduring the continualtorment of homosexuality.
I began escaping into the pleasures of the world. After spendingsome time in Hawaii, I got caught with drugs and had to return to themainland. Pornography fed my homosexual fantasies, although I nevergot sexually involved with another man. I was too afraid that otherpeople would discover my secret.
The happiest time of my life occurred after I accepted Jesus as mySavior in 1974. Growing up in a legalistic denomination, I hadthought that if you lived right, you were automatically a Christian.Then several of my friends joined the Jesus People movement, andstarted talking about Jesus Christ all the time. Finally, one nightalone in my apartment, I prayed a simple prayer. “Lord, if I don’tknow you yet, I really want to . I want a better life. I want help.”
My life started changing after that prayer. I quit swearing andsmoking marijuana. The Bible became alive to me. As I read it, Iexperienced a deep joy. For the first time in my life, I knew Godreally loved me.
My homosexual struggles subsided, and I finally felt some of thefreedom which I desperately wanted. The more I sought God, the morerelease I felt inside. This healing process continued for severalyears.
During this time, I started attending evening classes at a nearbyBible college. One night another student named Beth shared hertestimony, and I heard the Lord speak to my heart: “You’re going tomarry her”.
Beth and I knew each other casually, but our relationship quicklydeepened after that night. We were married four months later.
I was a husband again, and my homosexual struggles subsided a lot.I said nothing to Beth. But the roots of my struggle were stillunresolved. Over the next several years, I lived with a constant fearof exposure, should the truth ever be discovered.
Then I started going through typical mid-life feelings, especiallyafter two job changes. At age 35, I saw my body getting older andbegan fantasizing about sex with younger men. I was a perfectcandidate for the enemy’s destructive plan, and my downfall wasn’tfar off.
I became strongly attracted to a business associate, and we beganspending several hours together almost every evening. Ourrelationship turned into an emotional dependency, then became sexual.Soon I was ready to leave my wife, my job and my God for this man. Iknew in my heart what I was doing was wrong, but I had no strength tostop it.
My guilt turned to depression. I lost 35 pounds. “Are you sick? Doyou have cancer?” people began asking. I felt ripped apart inside,and started drinking to ease the pain. I knew my marriage was fallingapart. The more time I spent with my friend, the less I wanted to bewith Beth. One night she received an anonymous phone call. “Yourhusband is seeing someone else”, the person said, then hung up.
Later Beth confronted me, but I denied everything. “I’m justworking late”, I lied, my stomach churning. I was consumed withfrustration. My once happy marriage was now a roadblock to my ragingdesires for the gay world.
Looking out the window that bleak spring day in 1984, I realizedthat the very thing which I had craved all those years had let medown. Finally I’m in love with another man, I told myself, and I wishI was dead!
Then came a phone call that changed my life. Julie, the wife of aformer pastor, telephoned me from Boston. Knowing I was depressed,she had prayed diligently for me. Through the Holy Spirit, Godrevealed to her specific details of my struggles. “I have two wordsfor you”, she told me. “Homosexuality and suicide.”
“Yes, you’re right.” I felt such a relief that my hidden sins werefinally coming out into the open.
“What are you going to do about it?”
“I don’t know”, I sighed. “I just don’t know.”
Julie let me know that, no matter what happened, she still lovedme. “I’ll always be here for you”, she promised.
After I hung up, Beth walked into the bedroom. “Do you want totell me what that was all about?” she asked. “Well, you know we havejust a shell of a marriage”, I began. “It’s a weak relationship, noteven a friendship…” then I uttered two simple words that had beenlocked inside me for years: “I’m gay”.
I told Beth what I’d been going through, and the next evening wehad a long talk. “Do you love me?” she asked. “Do you love him morethan me? If you want him, then go. If you don’t, I’m here to workthis through with you.”
As she spoke, I realized that my great fear of rejection wasunfounded. My deepest secret was coming out, and the people closestto me were responding in love.
Immediately God began intervening in my life. I had to face myfriend almost every day at work, but then a job offer came fromOklahoma City, 150 miles south. The timing was perfect; I knew Godwas behind it.
Because of my strong emotional dependency upon the man I’d beeninvolved with, both my wife and I felt the separation and newsurroundings would be ideal. We put our house on the market, and Imoved to Oklahoma.
After I’d been at my new job for six months, I went on vacationwith my family. At a friend’s house, I found the testimony of aformer homosexual, Sy Rogers. I locked myself in the bathroom andread the tract three times!
After vacation, I wrote to Sy. He wrote back a beautiful letter,giving me some Scriptures and encouragement. We started writing backand forth, and he told me about The First Stone, a local ex-gayministry in Oklahoma City.
Several months later, I went for a one-on-one session with acounselor, and knew immediately that this ministry was for me. I feltsuch love, acceptance and understanding, which I desperately needed.
I began learning about the vital importance of a moment by momentrelationship with Jesus, which would bring peace and joy to my life.God showed me that I needed to know Him intimately, not justintellectually.
I realized that, in the years since I’d become a Christian, I hadlearned a lot about God, but I didn’t really know Him. I knew abouthomosexual abstinence, but not about healing from my homosexuality.
As a Christian, I had to release the past, quit worrying about thefuture, and start concentrating on today, trusting in the power ofthe Holy Spirit to help me.
Whenever struggles would come, I’d go to my concordance and lookup relevant Scriptures. I learned that my trials were allowed by Godfor my growth. As I resisted temptation, I matured as a Christian.
God showed me that nothing would come upon me that I couldn’thandle; that He would provide a way out (see 1 Cor. 10:13).Homosexual temptations would come, that was certain. But, when theycame, I could learn from them. God would use even temptation for mygood.
I also learned how to control my lustful thoughts by submittingthem to Jesus through prayer. When my eyes wandered, I would stop andbegin making right choices, not allowing my emotions to go wild withlust.
I also had to start separating myself from people who would pullme back into sin. Slowly I learned the meaning of “taking up yourcross” and following Jesus, denying the old desires of my flesh.Sometimes I didn’t want to obey Christ. I fell into old habits, but Igot up and kept going.
After a year and a half, our house was still unsold. I receivedanother job offer back in Wichita, and the apartment where I wasliving in Oklahoma became unavailable.
God gave me a strong impression: “Go back to Wichita and begin aministry to homosexuals”. By the end of December, 1986 I was backhome in Kansas. Four months later our first group meeting occurredand we have been going strong ever since. My own healing continues.God had brought me to the point where I no longer see myself as”gay”. I don’t relate to any part of the homosexual lifestyle.Although I experience homosexual desires from time to time, theydon’t control me. I can’t explain the freedom that I now have inside,except by God’s grace and power.
I am no longer consumed by overwhelming depression. My marriage isbeing brought back to the place intended from the beginning.
Jesus promised that we would have tribulations in this world (John16:33). And my life still has its share of trials. But I am growingin my walk with the Father. My struggles no longer overpower me. Godis my master. After years of struggle, I’m walking in His freedom-atlast.
Michael Babb directs Freedom At Last in Wichita, Kansas. Heand his wife, Beth, have three children. Distributed by Love inAction, P.O. Box 753307, Memphis, TN 38175-3307; 901/542-0250.