By Peggy Dimmick as told to Catherine Lawton

Even though I loved my son, at times he hurt me so much that Ifelt like disowning him.

Social acceptance meant everything to me. I took my children tothe socially-preferred church in town and encouraged them to makefriends among the kids of prominent families. When they becameteenagers, I suspected they were experimenting with drugs and sex,but none of the parents or religious leaders I knew talked aboutthese things, and I assumed it was a phase the kids would outgrow.

So the day my son, Dick, age 20 and in college, called to tell mehe was homosexual, I was shocked, but I thought, Another fad.He’ll get over it; we’ll find a solution.

“Go to someone and get cured,” I told him. Icouldn’t even say the awful word. Homosexual. Surely it would goaway. But I didn’t know the pervasiveness of it. It didn’theal like a broken arm. And it didn’t go away.

Not knowing where to turn, I began searching out books on thesubject, only to be overwhelmed by guilt. Many of what wereconsidered the classic causes of homosexuality were present in ourhome life and family relationships. Thinking back over our lifetogether, my heart filled with bitter regrets.

When Dick, my first child, was two and I was pregnant with hissister, my sailor husband died of polio, leaving me staggered bygrief.

In all my emotional turmoil (a 19-year-old widow with two babies),I didn’t think to help little Dick through his private grief,never sitting down with him to explain why his daddy was gone. Dickwas such a compliant, quiet child, and his baby sister was so cutethat he was easily overlooked.

When one of my husband’s sailor friends began visiting andproposed, I said yes. Del and I were 20 when we got married.

My daughter never knew her father, and she and Del became veryclose. But a father-son relationship never developed between Del andDick. In fact, whenever Del disciplined Dick, I cringed at his lackof sensitivity and tried to protect my son. One day, after Del hadpunished him quite severely, I ordered, “Don’t you touchhim again,” and Del answered, “OK, I’ll leave himalone.” From then on he did just that, and a wall of tensionarose between them.

Dick grew up resenting Del and never let him get close. But laterit came out that what he longed for more than anything was hisfather’s affection.

As a young teen, Dick chose to leave my respectable church andjoin the youth group of a more vital, evangelistic church. He choseto attend a Christian college, where he liked school and was electedjunior class president. But his inner struggles continued. Heexpressed that struggle in this prayer that I discovered in hispapers years later:

Dear God, It’s really very hard right now…Ifeel as though I’ve just gone too far. And yet I knowYou’re just waiting for me to quit fighting. Mostly against You.Maybe someday I’ll truly realize that You do love me, andrespond to that love with a life that is truly sold out to You. Iwant to love You, Jesus. Please help me. Please, Lord, let thesewords become real in my life.

—Love, Dick.

Dick became involved with a bad crowd. The school found out he waspracticing homosexuality, and they kicked him out of college.

He went to Hollywood and became involved in the life of thestreets. He later joined the gay scene in San Francisco, living alife of promiscuity.

Del was repulsed and, at first, I was too. But I didn’t wantto be estranged completely from my son, so I let him bring his gayfriends to visit. Thy had ambitions and ideas like anyone else, and Ifound it possible to like and accept them as people without condoningtheir lifestyle.

Occasionally, Dick would come home and set aside the trappings ofthat lifestyle, and it seemed he would come out of it. He would evenattend church with us. Then, inevitably, a family argument woulderupt and he would flee in anger back to the gay community. Eventhough I loved my son, at times he hurt me so much I felt likedisowning him.

Meanwhile, Del and I began attending an evangelical church wherewe learned what Christianity really means, we experienced Godpersonally. My attitude gradually changed from wanting to protect myson to becoming willing to let go of him and release him intoGod’s hands. At times I wondered if God heard my prayer. But Ikept asking him to stay after Dick.

We sought help in the Christian community. We found “Love InAction,” a Christian ministry in San Rafael, CA [now in Memphis,TN] that ministers to the homosexual who wants help. They teach thathomosexuality is a result of deeper sins of the heart that are instraight people as well, especially anger, rebellion, and lust. ButDick was not willing to allow those people to help him.

Finally, I prayed, “O God, do anything You have to do, but doit…even unto death.” But I didn’t really believe it wouldtake that.

Then Dick got sick and the cause was diagnosed as a rare parasiteto which he had no immunity. Then he was found to have AIDS.

Dick became too sick to care for himself, and Del and I broughthim home. He was terribly tin. At first, we were tense and Dickresisted everything Del said, putting up his wall.

Though his weight plummeted from 175 to 80 pounds and he neededconstant care, Dick would not let Del touch him. “Don’t youwant your father to rub your back?” I’d ask.“No,” he’d reply.

Then one day that wall broke down. Dick passed out from the shockof the shower and Del picked him up off the floor and carried him tobed. After this act of love, Dick began to allow Del to help him.

Dick used to demand, “When is he leaving?” But he beganto look out the window like a little child and ask, “When is hecoming home?”

Gradually, I realized the hostility was gone. The two men hadheart-to-heart talks about what they would do together when Dick gotwell. Sometimes Dick said, “Just hug me.”

Friends used to tell us, “Now don’t get too chummy orput your arm around these people. Don’t produce any emotion inthem.” But what they want more than anything is to be loved. Allthose years, Dick actually longed for Del to reach out and hug him,but at the same time he put up a wall that made this impossible. Atlong last, that wall was crumbling.

Finally, Del took over Dick’s care completely. He spent threehours in the morning and three hours at the night cleaningDick’s sores, bathing him, and giving him medicine.

Home Hospice was wonderful, the Lion’s Club sent a donation,Dick’s friends visited and helped him, the church choir came tosing for him. Best of all, God’s grace was there, giving peacein the midst of suffering and pain. And Dick found peace with God.

When Dick used to go to church he would hear the minister say,“If you have something in your heart toward someone, you mustleave it at the Cross first,” and so he would never takeCommunion. I suspected it was because of his feelings toward hisfather.

But while Dick was dying of AIDS, our pastor came to our home toserve Communion to Dick, Del, and me. Together we celebratedChrist’s death for us and His wonderful gift of forgiveness.

The minister asked Dick if he was ready to go. “I’m notafraid of death. I really believe something better is coming,”he replied. Dick threw away his rock records and gay magazines. Hewitnessed to his friends.

We could have gone on caring for him 24 hours a day just tofinally have this loving relationship between the three of us and theLord. But after months of terrible suffering, just before his 33rdbirthday, Dick died at home in Del’s arms. I believe he wentdirectly to the arms of his Heavenly Father.

This article originally appeared in Herald of Holinessmagazine (May, 1992). Used by permission of the author. Distributedby Love In Action, PO Box 753307, Memphis, TN 38175-3307:901/542-0250