#14-7: Grace in the Family (November 2011)
Posted by: virginiaknowles <virginiaknowles@...>
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The Hope Chest with Virginia Knowles
November 2011
The Hope Chest with Virginia Knowles
Dear Hope Chest friends,
I got up really early this morning, trying to take advantage of the extra hour from
Daylight Savings Time to finally finish up this edition of the Hope Chest. It's been nearly three months since I sent one! My life has been so crazy lately that I've
barely even blogged for the past month. Our
family is experiencing some significant challenges right now, so my priority
has definitely not been writing. (We would appreciate your prayers!)
Fortunately, what you will find in this issue was pretty much already
written, so it's just a matter of pulling it all together with appropriate
links and adding in a little patter.
In my
7th-8th grade English class at our home school co-op, we just finished reading
The Bronze Bow by Elizabeth George Speare.
There is a free study guide for it on my middle school blog here: Literature
Study Guide for The Bronze Bow by Elizabeth George Speare. To see how I try to bring this kind of story
alive to my students through food and historical objects, read Honey
Cakes and More (A Photo Post).
Next
up for literature, the stories and poems of "King Alfred and the Cakes"
and "King Robert Bruce and the Spider" which you can read about
here: Medieval
Legends and King Robert Bruce. Since Veterans Day is Friday, I will
also read to them the poem In Flanders Fields
by Canadian soldier-surgeon Colonel John McCrae. All of the literature we
will do this week is about the theme of perseverance in the face of extreme
challenge, which I think is a very relevant life lesson. Last week, I compiled several links to
encourage mamas who, like me, need to endure: Friday Favorites
#13: Identity and Difficulty. I think kids need to be encouraged to keep going with their school work even when it isn't fun. There is a balance and even a synthesis between duty and delight, as you will read here: Synthesizing Your Own Style - and - Duty and Delight.
At home, in addition to our co-op
assignments, I am reading two or three stories a day to my kids from Classic
Myths to Read Aloud: The Great Stories of Greek and Roman Mythology by
William F. Russell. Many of these myths
are on that same theme, as the heroes overcome seemingly insurmountable problems
-- like the Medusa. No, my kids do not consider this book to be tedious endurance for listening. They really do beg and plead for me to read them the myths -- and "Just one
more, Mom! No, two!" I've been reading some of the myths aloud in my co-op
classroom, too, with similar enthusiasm from my students. What I particularly
appreciate is that the end of each story, the author includes "A Few More
Words" section that highlights some of the Greek and Latin origins of
words we still use today. (Coincidentally, most
of the spelling and vocabulary words I
have assigned to my class this semester have been organized around Greek and
Latin word roots and prefixes.) Anyway, I highly recommend the myths book to
home school families. It is quite
suitable for both elementary and middle school, but just as interesting for
high school students and adults.
OK, on to the rest of this issue, with a theme of Grace in the Family. You always know that I am writing to remind
myself, right?
First, in honor of my daughter Julia's wedding last month…
and Gray
wedding of Alex and Julia on October 15, 2011
beginning day of your marriage,
appear in ivory and gray, not black and white.
in the nuances of life you will learn to blend in a little like this,
the differences between his way and her way a little less stark.
way you grew alone now changes into the way you will grow together.
are still designed to be distinct from one another.
forth boldly with grace and joy,
who you are each created to be in Christ:
gifts of uniqueness joined.
makes you one for one another, for his own glory,
his radiant love in your new home, your new family,
on your wedding day of ivory and gray.
I had been wanting to write a wedding poem for my daughter Julia and her husband Alex for quite a while to give to them as a wedding present. I written "Seven Blessings for One Marriage" for Mary and Ryan in 2008, and knew that just as their poem captured the Jewish flavor of their wedding, I needed to think of something that was unique to Julia and Alex's special day. This takes a lot of
thought, because I just don't like to dash off a ditty. The
wedding was rapidly approaching and I still hadn't come up with any good
ideas. Finally, just six days before the wedding, I sat down in a Subway
sandwich shop while my boys were at youth group. I carried with me pen,
paper, my leather bound journal and the book Breath for the Bones: Art,
Imagination, and Spirit: Reflections on Creativity and Faith by Luci Shaw as my inspiration. (You can read more
about that book in another blog post here: Is My Head in the Clouds? I had been
soaking in the book, jotting down my reflections, when I lady walked in and sat
down near me in one of the easy chairs, leaned her head back, and closed her
eyes. A little later, we started talking. She was waiting for her
daughter, who works there, so our conversation turned to our children. She
asked if I was a Christian, and when I told her yes, she said, "I was
praying for you while I was sitting there with my eyes closed." Wow!
That was sweet -- and timely! (And it sounds just like what I often do.) I asked her to pray that I could get the
poem written for my daughter. She said she would, and then they left.
And as I sat there and started thinking about the poem, pen in hand, I
imagined seeing Julia and Alex at the altar. What did they look like?
Ivory and gray. What did I envision for their marriage? Peace and understanding. And so I wrote: first, second, third drafts.
What you see above is probably sixth draft or something, after I removed extraneous lines about the contrasts of burlap and lace, lemonade and sweet tea, that would have clued you
in to their country wedding reception. When I finished the poem, I printed it
in gray ink on ivory paper in the pristina font you see above. Then I matted it with ivory lace in a gray-silver frame. I read it to them at their rehearsal dinner and gave it to them then.
there you have it, the story behind my "Ivory and Gray" poem. The
wedding was beautiful, just as I had pictured in my mind. You can see
more photos here:
Why Well-Meaning Parenting Falls Short
Welcome to my new series of reflections on Dr. Tim Kimmel’s book Grace Based Parenting: Set Your Family Free. I am going to do this chapter by chapter, and here’s the first installment! If you would like to see all posts in this new category, click here: Reflections on Grace Based Parenting Book.
In this first chapter, “Why Well-Meaning Parenting Falls Short,” Kimmel lays out what he feels is the trouble with much of modern Christian parenting. It is not filled with dire statistics but solid principles and observations.
Dr. Kimmel uses a very apt word picture to describe the dilemma we often find ourselves in. He says that raising children is like trying to put together a jigsaw puzzle with no edge pieces, no cover picture, and a handful of pieces from a different puzzle thrown in to confuse us. To unpack his metaphor, it is hard to parent in a culture that values no moral boundaries and that refuses to follow the parenting picture that the Bible has laid out for us, but that another huge challenge is extra man-made standards thrown into the mix by those who claim to know what is best for all children.
He acknowledges that some Christian parents have given up on standards or Scripture, preferring to feel good rather than do good. However in this chapter, it seems like his primary concern is parents who are too controlling and restrictive, who have lost sight of grace. Christians who fearfully withdraw from culture lose out on their privilege of "being porch lights in the darkness" and this affects our children's ability to sense the active presence and power of God. Ironically, we often lose our children by holding on too tight.
No wonder we lose our way when our maps are wrong. When we raise our kids based on fear, behavior modification, control, image, what others are doing, or in reaction to crises we are facing – where is the joy and peace in that? And, bottom line, where is the lasting success? Kids who grow up in these kinds of home environments are at a distinct disadvantage. Their faith and convictions will be shallow and apathetic, more concerned with outward appearances than a deep inward maturity or a passion for Christ. They will feel intimidated and confused by the world around them, unable to navigate with true wisdom and confidence. They will feel stressed by an unhealthy sense of guilt and inadequacy, always struggling to “do it right” so their parents will approve, or failing that, rebelling against these expectations and values as being unreasonable.
What is the alternative? Parents who model a vibrant, trusting, and joyful relationship with Christ. Parents who rely on the guidance of the Holy Spirit in making decisions for their own families. Parents who apply firm and sensible standards in affirming ways. Parents who see their children as incredible treasures from God, uniquely created to be uniquely loved. Parents who are quick to extend mercy and forgiveness. Parents who see life as a grand adventure. Parents who nurture rather than control. Parents who set their families free with GRACE.
In order to do this, we need to be aware of three driving needs that children have – needs that we parents have too! These are:
- a secure love
- a significant purpose
- and a strong hope
I’m looking forward to reading the chapters on each of these! In the meantime, I leave you with a quote from the last page of this chapter:
“As your children see you meeting your need for love, purpose and hope through your abiding relationship with Christ, your example will put power and authenticity behind your words.”
Amen!
When writing a persuasive essay or preparing for a debate, students are taught to examine possible objections to their premise. The purpose is so that they can effectively address them and convince their audiences that their viewpoint is still valid despite the contrary concerns. That is what this chapter does.
I know the objections that come up when Christians start talking about “living by grace” and protesting legalism. Beyond the realm of parenting, this theology of grace has been a paramount one for me in recent years. It is even what led our family to leave a church where it was a personal struggle for me to consistently experience grace where there seemed to be an over-emphasis on mortifying indwelling sin. Our explorations into the nature of grace have also led us to a lot of soul searching about how we raise and relate to our children. I wish I could say this has been an easy process, but unfortunately, there is a lot of misunderstanding about grace.
Here is the main objection to “living by grace”: If we focus on God’s grace too much, we will use it as an excuse to not pursue holy living. We will just assume that since God forgives us, we can do whatever we want and then tell him we’re sorry. Or, applying this to parenting, we can let our children do whatever they want and call it “grace” and not hold them to godly standards. That’s why we hear complaints about “greasy grace” or “cheap grace” that doesn’t require repentance or life change.
So how does Dr. Kimmel answer this objection? He acknowledges that it can be valid and then elaborates on that by taking us to the life of Jesus. “The Word became flesh and made his dwelling among us. We have seen his glory, the glory of the One and Only, who came from the Father, full of grace and truth.” He reminds us that grace and truth are inseparable, “two parts that make up a single whole.” We cannot ignore the moral claims of the Bible, the truth that confronts our hearts and draws us to repentance. He agrees that using grace as an excuse to sin is a serious problem, and describes a family where he has seen that sad dynamic. As he says, “A family without clearly defined rules and standards can never be a grace-based family. It’s too busy being a nightmare to live in.”
Real grace actually calls us to a higher standard because our hearts are changed. We have a new motivation: not performance to gain acceptance, but gratitude and love which flow from acceptance that we already have in Christ. We want to be like him because we adore who he is. We willingly embrace grace as our tutor. “It teaches us to say “No” to ungodliness and worldly passions, and to live self-controlled, upright, and godly lives in this present age, while we wait for the blessed hope – the glorious appearing of our great God and Savior, Jesus Christ, who gave himself for us to redeem us from all wickedness and to purify for himself a people who are his very own, eager to do what is good.” (Titus 2:11-14)
After addressing how true grace changes lives, Dr. Kimmel reinforces his chapter 1 caution about parenting without grace. He warns against using Scripture to pistol-whip kids into submission, citing “Fathers, do not exasperate your children; instead, bring them up in the training and instruction of the Lord” (Ephesians 6:4) and “Fathers, do not embitter your children, or they will become discouraged” (Colossians 3:21).
We need warm and strong relationships with our children that will empower them to live for Jesus, not ego-fueled power struggles that break down their spirits and beat down motivation. We need to follow the example of God, who is “a graceful Father who cherishes his children and treats them in a way that draws them to His heart and the safety and security of His everlasting arms.”
As I think about what Dr. Kimmel has said, I ponder about how often parents misrepresent the character of God. If a child is treated harshly by his parents, it’s a stumbling block toward how he views God. He might still make the mental assertion that “God is good, God is kind, God is patient, God is loving, God is forgiving,” because that has been what he's been told in words but if he sees the exact opposite in how his parents relate to him, his heart will be screaming a different message. I personally don’t want my mothering to cause this kind of cognitive dissonance in my children. I know I’ll never be a perfect representation, and they don’t expect that.
When they were babies, my little chant to them was, “Mommy loves you and Daddy loves you, but Jesus loves you so much more!” Or, “I haven’t been very patient and kind with you today, but God is always patient and kind.” On the other hand, I don’t want to represent God as a pushover either. My children need to learn to be patient and kind, too, and I am responsible for teaching them. As Dr. Kimmel notes, "Home has got to be a place where our children are safe from the traps of the world and assured that they have parents who won't surrender God's standards -- even to them." So I can also tell them:
- “No, I’m not going to back off! I want you to succeed in life, and this kind of behavior is only going to bring you down. I love you so much that I can’t let you get away with this.”
- “Let's take a look at those song lyrics. Does this kind of foul language really help you appreciate and love God's holiness more -- or not?"
- "No matter what he says or does or how you feel about it, you may not hit your brother. Be kind!”
- “Hand me the iPod and get back to your math! I don’t want you to get into a frantic crunch when it’s time to turn in your assignment.”
- “You may not yell at me to help you with your math problem when I'm working with your sister. You can be patient and wait your turn. See if you can do other problems on this page until then.”
- “You do not need to let your sister’s words control your attitude. The good news is that you have a choice and you can change. You can choose to be calm instead of angry.”
Grace or truth? Yes. Both. That is true grace. That is gracious truth. And that makes for a happier home.
I leave you with some words from Abbé de Tourville about education, which apply to parenting as well.
Set aside everything which might make you at all touchy or timid and let all your qualities of goodwill, frankness and simplicity shine forth in your dealings with every one you meet. Never mind how different their characters and way of life may be, for our Lord desires us to behave thus even to the unrighteous which would otherwise be difficult...
Encourage with discretion all that is good in your pupils; let them feel your support without being embarrassed or hampered by it. Education, as the very word shows, means helping someone to develop himself, to draw out all that is good in him. It is the greatest of all benefits. That too is the meaning of the expression to direct¸ direction. Unless interpreted in this sense, I like the word formation less; it seems to me to carry the suggestion of a preconceived form into which one is to force people whether they like it or not. But people do not lend themselves to this kind of treatment and so the form remains empty.
(More quotes here: Wisdom from Letters of Direction by Abbé de Tourville)
~*~*~
Finally, here are links to all of the blog articles (including the ones above) that I have posted since I sent out the last Hope Chest.
http://www.ComeWearyMoms.blogspot.com
- Friday Favorites #13: Identity and Difficulty
- Why Well-Meaning Parenting Falls Short (see article above)
- The Truth Behind Grace (see article above)
- “A Secure Love” from Grace Based Parenting by Dr. Tim Kimmel
- "A Significant Purpose" from Grace Based Parenting by Dr. Tim Kimmel
http://www.VirginiaKnowles.blogspot.com
- Ivory and Gray (see poem and story above)
- Just a Few Wedding Pictures
- A Country Style Wedding Reception
- Mother of the Bride and Soccer Mom
- Snapshots and Memories from My Birthday
- Is My Head in the Clouds? (And Notes on Beauty)
http://www.WatchTheShepherd.blogspot.com
http://www.StartWellHomeSchool.blogspot.com
And now that my extra Daylight Savings hour has long since slipped away, it's time to get ready for church! First, I have to corral the kids in from the back porch, where they are all watching Lydia's new black Thumper, who joined our family via the community yard sales yesterday. Never a dull moment here, I assure you.
from two poems by Gerard Manley Hopkins (1844-1889) that my 10 year old daughter is reading for her co-op English class. From "God's Grandeur": "And for all this, nature is
never spent / There lives the dearest freshness deep down things." Relating this to motherdhood, we are so often
"spent" and emptied, but need to tap into the well of "the
dearest freshest deep down things" that God can give us. If you need help with this, please read my post A Sacred Romance in the Deeper Places of Our Hearts. And from the poem "Pied Beauty", these lines: "All things counter, original, spare, strange
/ Whatever is fickle, freckled (who knows how?) / With swift, slow;
sweet, sour; adazzle, dim / He fathers-forth whose beauty is past change: Praise him." Right now, I am praising him for poetry that I read -- and for you who read what I write.
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Visit my web site at http://www.VirginiaKnowles.com